My journey with my name

Associate of Daniel · May 20, 2024, 04:52:00 AM

I have an interesting and nice maiden name. I never really liked my married name. Before I was married I toyed briefly with the idea of keeping my maiden name but my uNPD (now ex) H stated that if I didn't change my name we wouldn't get married. (Red flag, anyone?)

Anyway, when uNPD exH left, our ds was not quite 6 years old. I decided straight away that I was not going to change my surname until ds was 18, or maybe 19, since he would still be in school for a year while was 18. Ironically, uNPD exH was FURIOUS that I was keeping his name!

My reasons were: 1. It was confusing enough for ds to explain that his mum and dad didn't live together, let alone that his mum had a different name from him, and 2. I knew that administratively it was sometimes difficult when a child had a different surname from their parent.

As it turned out, it was just as well I kept the married name. Ds's uNPD smother over the years often essentially tried to make out that she was his biological mother. My having the same surname as ds made it easier to prove that I was actually his mum.

I didn't want to hyphenate the two names as they don't go well together and I also knew I was eventually going to change from the married name anyway.

All this to say, ds will be 18 in just over 6 months. Time flies. I have been thinking a lot about changing the name and have come up against an unexpected hurdle.

I suddenly felt like I would be "divorcing", even "abandoning" my beautiful ds if I decided to no longer have the same surname as him.This completely took me by surprise.

I've had a couple of heartfelt conversations with him in recent months about it and he thinks I'm being crazy. He says I should get rid of the name and get away from the horribleness of his dad. (He's not a big fan of his dad these days.)

It's hard to know if I'm just overthinking the whole name change thing and being overly sentimental, or if ds is just being a "typical" male, and a teenager at that, and not really understanding the significance and importance of it. Perhaps it's a bit of both. I'd be interested in people's thoughts.

Anyway, I finally looked up the process for changing back to one's maiden name and it appears there is no application needed for the BDM register. It's just a massive pain in the You-Know-What to change it at all of the relevant organisations. Certified copies of birth and divorce certificates etc. I think I'd need about 20 copies of each! Imagine turning up to a police station asking for them to stamp and sign 40 documents in one sitting!

So with my Ds's blessing and with one less step in the process, I now feel a little more at ease with changing back to my maiden name. I want to do it before my dad dies, as I greatly want to honour him for being such a wonderful dad. (Mum died last year.)

I still have to work through the whole idea I have of it being a "divorce and abandonment" of my ds. That might take a while.

One thing that this name quandary has stopped me from doing (although it wasn't the only contributing factor) is applying for further study. I don't want my married name to be on the certificate. The fact that I can apply for it without documentation means that I can apply now rather than wait for an official name change.

In fact, I applied last night! Next month I'll be studying a Certificate in Counselling. Just a taste which may lead to a Diploma later.

But there is one more thing: My title. Currently I'm Mrs. If I change to my maiden name I'd feel I should become Miss, as I am no longer married and would no longer be carrying my uNPD exH's surname. But I have a ds, and going by Miss might imply to people that I had ds out of wedlock. It's important to me that that impression is not given. But I really do not like the title Ms. In my day, Ms implied divorce and divorce was scandalous. I know times have changed dramatically since then but these things are important to me.

Men have it very easy in the area of title and surname!

Anyway, I'd appreciate others' thought s and opinions, and any extra information that I may not have thought of, if anyone would like to chime in.

AOD

SonofThunder · May 20, 2024, 09:11:20 AM

Hi AOD,

I enjoyed reading your thoughts. First, congrats on moving forward in your further studies and second for having such a wonderful relationship with your DS.

I suggest you take the advice of your DS and also use Miss Maiden. Imo what other people think about Miss is not important. I believe the timing of this is excellent, as DS becoming 18 is possibly a milestone age for DS in his own adult independence. Therefore, for you to change your name back to Miss-Maiden, will not only set-apart the beneficial independence enjoyed by your DS but align with his mother's new independence milestone of her own.

Your DS's "He says I should get rid of the name and get away from the horribleness of his dad. (He's not a big fan of his dad these days.)" is a strong statement about your son that conveys that DS's last name is for him, not an indicator of his personality or decisions for himself. Your son will have his adult life ahead, to turn his last name into a name of respect and kindness, while his loving and balanced mother moves forward with her new miss-maiden name, writing her own next chapter in adulthood.

I personally believe changing your name to Miss Maiden and allowing your son to be Mr. Surname will further enhance the growing adult relationship between you and your son; two independent adults who are bonded by friendship, similar personalities and that tight son & mother relationship as a foundation.

SoT

bloomie · May 21, 2024, 08:00:48 AM

Quote from: SonofThunder on May 20, 2024, 09:11:20 AMI personally believe changing your name to Miss Maiden and allowing your son to be Mr. Surname will further enhance the growing adult relationship between you and your son; two independent adults who are bonded by friendship, similar personalities and that tight son & mother relationship as a foundation.

These are powerful insights from SOT!

Agree wholeheartedly that choosing to free yourself and restore your own name to yourself would be powerful and something that is just for you!

blacksheep7 · May 28, 2024, 07:38:08 AM

This is a good move.good for you. Why carry that name.
I whole heartily believe that when one divorces, they should go back to their maiden name.

When I married very young the first time, I was happy to take on DH name because I was embarassed by mine, a foreign one. Not anymore!

Where I live the law changed in 1979-80, letting women keep their maiden name as well as giving them an option of adding the married name if desired. Once divorced, I got my maiden name back.

I remarried later in life still keeping it.

My children still have their father's name, that doesn't change.

Associate of Daniel · May 29, 2024, 04:20:11 AM

Thank-you, folks. SoT, you made me cry!

AOD

JustKeepTrying · June 16, 2024, 11:28:23 PM

I too worried about changing my name in the divorce. My son also encouraged me and as he was graduating soon that admin piece was no longer relevant.

There was an unexpected benefit to the change.
I felt as if I was touching my self from before the marriage. Reconnecting in a way and that gave me a strength I needed.

It is beautiful you want to honor your father! And your son sounds amazing! Congrats on pursing your certificate!

Associate of Daniel · November 26, 2024, 03:16:58 AM

Revisiting this - I'm in the process of changing my surname back to my maiden name at work. I now have a new email address and the id tags are on their way. I will be Miss Maiden Name.

I feel almost liberated! The married name has been a bit of a psychological burden lately. After all, I've been single for 41 years more than I was married. I am more of my maiden name in personality and values than I am of my married name.

I also have arranged less hours at work for next year so that I can start studying my diploma of counselling. Things are a happening!

AOD

SonofThunder · November 26, 2024, 06:29:11 PM

Well done AOD! Congratulations on all the forward progress!

SoT

bloomie · November 27, 2024, 10:05:37 AM

AOD -

what good news! Love your update!

Marianne · November 28, 2024, 02:41:27 PM

Sounds good! Congrat with all of that.

Ex and I were never married. I gave my kid my lastname. I am superhappy I did. So I can see why it feels a bit weird for you to have different surname than your son. But he thinks it is good. So I think it is only freeing and good. Well done. Next step.