Question for those further along than I

[StartingHealing]

To all those brave souls on here that are further along the healing pathway than I.

This past May was 2 years since any contact with the former spouse.  I know that healing isn't lineal (insert cuss word here).  Been finding that at times, partial memories come floating up to my awareness, not in any order, nothing relating to each other emotionally either.

I am wondering if any of you have had something similar happen.

My thanks in advance. 

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Hi, Starting Healing.  I'm wondering if the memories are bothering you, or if you just feel curious.  Is it bringing nostalgia? 

I'm going on 5 yrs NC.   I found the first few years pretty hard.  I wasn't at the "I'm really done" place yet when we split,  I had hoped we could work it out.  Then came the worst blowup ever (over something small like how to squeeze toothpaste), followed by a level of vengefulness that I didn't realize he was capable of.  I forced myself to let go forever.

Memories, nostalgia, came up all the time for quite a while.  I realized after 3 ish years that I wasn't pining for him over the holidays and wasn't really thinking about him much at all.  I don't know  when I last had memories that brought up yearning.  Almost always now, they just make me glad I'm out.   I paid such a steep, steep price for any good times.  I never want to do that again.  Some years with NC has made all the difference.

[StartingHealing]

Hi, Starting Healing.  I'm wondering if the memories are bothering you, or if you just feel curious.  Is it bringing nostalgia? 

I'm going on 5 yrs NC.   I found the first few years pretty hard.  I wasn't at the "I'm really done" place yet when we split,  I had hoped we could work it out.  Then came the worst blowup ever (over something small like how to squeeze toothpaste), followed by a level of vengefulness that I didn't realize he was capable of.  I forced myself to let go forever.

Memories, nostalgia, came up all the time for quite a while.  I realized after 3 ish years that I wasn't pining for him over the holidays and wasn't really thinking about him much at all.  I don't know  when I last had memories that brought up yearning.  Almost always now, they just make me glad I'm out.   I paid such a steep, steep price for any good times.  I never want to do that again.  Some years with NC has made all the difference.

Lookin 2 B Free,
Thank you for the reply.

It's not that it's a bother when the memories arise.  It's more of a "Huh? What the F?!?!" type of thing. Don't understand the 'why' behind it. Brain reorganizing? Memory deletion script running? Sub-conscious emotional processing? or ????

I hear you about the arguments over nothing burgers.  Which way the toothpaste tube was pointing in the drawer, painting a wall, the stuffing in a pillow going flat, water spots on silverware from the dishwasher, how my wallet was riding in my back pocket, was always something.

When I pulled the trigger, I was done.  Somewhere I knew that if I stayed something was going to die in me whether it was physically, mentally, emotionally, or at a soul level.  I came to the conclusion that all the 'good times' wasn't really real.  That all they were was smoke and mirrors to manipulate me into being compliant to her increasing madness. 

I saved all the digital evidence thinking that it may have had bearing on the legal proceedings. (That's a different story for a different time)  I've revisited the audio, video, text messages, photos, and emails occasionally in the past.  Lordy I was twisted into a version of reality back then that IDK how I was even able to navigate what I needed to do.   Seeing the madness that she exhibited squashed the nostalgia aspects.

TBH, I'm searching for something that will bring me into enjoying the holidays again. 

Wishing you all the best

[NBRiverGuy]

I have a question for you. I am in an 18 year marriage and just now in the trying to leave phase. What were the biggest challenges for you after you decided to end it? After a recent four-day straight rage from PDw, I decided that I needed to get out. But, after so many years, we have a lot of money, property and pets tied up in our relationship. She is calm now and thinks that everything is back to normal, but I have made my decision. I'm just having a hard time pulling the trigger.

[SonofThunder]

To all those brave souls on here that are further along the healing pathway than I.

This past May was 2 years since any contact with the former spouse.  I know that healing isn't lineal (insert cuss word here).  Been finding that at times, partial memories come floating up to my awareness, not in any order, nothing relating to each other emotionally either.

I am wondering if any of you have had something similar happen.

My thanks in advance. 

Yes, I believe it's normal for me to have that occur (im 2+ years out also), as I have so many positive and negative memories cataloged in my brain from multiple decades with my stbx. Sometimes my brain decides to bring up a filed memory and in doing so, I just reprocess it based on truth, my growing understanding of myself and my past, my path in healing and also my PD education. 

SoT

[StartingHealing]

I have a question for you. I am in an 18 year marriage and just now in the trying to leave phase. What were the biggest challenges for you after you decided to end it?  After a recent four-day straight rage from PDw, I decided that I needed to get out. But, after so many years, we have a lot of money, property and pets tied up in our relationship. She is calm now and thinks that everything is back to normal, but I have made my decision. I'm just having a hard time pulling the trigger.

NBRiverGuy, All I can provide is my own experiences. 25 years was my tour so I savvy.  My biggest hurtle was the emotional overwhelm. If she goes off again like that you can call local law enforcement. Imperative to get a plan together to follow.  If you can, start looping in your family, the brother from another mother, etc.  Even there be selective because things can 'travel' if you know what I mean. This needs to be a "for select eyes only".

Realize that what will happen with the dissolution is a breaking apart a business relationship.  Emotions, what's fair and reasonable, etc, don't have much bearing on it. Accept that however it turns out, at the end you will be free.  Hard to put a price on that. 

 Find a good lawyer that has a successful track record against "high conflict" people. Due diligence is called for here ok?  Get a lawdog that will push back against the foolishness and that you can work with.  Speaking of due diligence, get a list of all assets, liabilities, any items and/or $ from an inheritance etc.  Complete financial picture.  Who contributes to what and in what percentage?  In which name(s) are the liabilities in?  Insurance(s), 401K's, investments, real estate, everything.  Including if anything is in only 1 name.  Don't forget vehicles.  And depending on the location, pets could be considered to be property. Which could be a good thing depending if you want to keep them or not.  Income also has to be included. Talk with your lawyer about mitigation actions that are available to you.  (I didn't  )

 Expect that the courts will be weaponized against you.  Family court IS NOT your friend and usually the bias is shown towards the gal. I repeat Family Court is NOT your friend, nor will they give you a fair shake.  Unless you have a in with the judge. 

Do not share anything you are doing with her at this time.  OK?    I would start moving your keepsakes out of the house very slowly.  Grab a couple of items, stash in your car, store at work or at the brother from another mother's place.    No new bill for a storage unit.  Or if they were gifts from YOUR family, they make a show about wanting them back.

Are you safe?  That is going to impact the plan your developing.  Do you have a place to go if needed? 

Some actions in your plan will be hard, like some of the hardest fecal matter you have ever done, emotionally.  I know there were times where it felt like I was this or that or some other crappy person.  Just realize and accept that your emotions have been hijacked via manipulation and are temporarily under outside influence.  The outside influence wanes with distance and time.

I know it is tempting to just do stuff to get away from that walking black hole that only spews chaos and discord.  However, once you get some folks to support, and they can help with your planning, it will become easier to answer the basic stuff of planning. Small example:

Am I leaving the residence?  If she's leaving how will that be done?

If I'm leaving what am I taking with me?  Leaving behind?  Am I taking food? etc.
 
I'm taking all pets, I'm only taking a select few, I'm taking none.

Do I have personal bank accounts set up and rocking? Can personal accounts be up and operational in a timely manner?

Do I have a list of all insurances, investments, online accounts, credit cards, utilities, snail mail, cell service providers, contact info to inform them of change in billing, delivery addresses, service address, ?
 
Do I have a list of___________to call / email to get my name removed / account put on hold / etc.

If you are working for someone, have you read in HR and the boss? (unfounded accusations via phone call are a thing) How long does it take for direct deposit to switch to a new account?

Then once you have things in place, pull the trigger.  Follow the plan. 

Wishing you all the best.

It's sooooooooooooooo worth it on the other side!
 
 


 

[StartingHealing]

To all those brave souls on here that are further along the healing pathway than I.

This past May was 2 years since any contact with the former spouse.  I know that healing isn't lineal (insert cuss word here).  Been finding that at times, partial memories come floating up to my awareness, not in any order, nothing relating to each other emotionally either.

I am wondering if any of you have had something similar happen.

My thanks in advance. 

Yes, I believe it's normal for me to have that occur (im 2+ years out also), as I have so many positive and negative memories cataloged in my brain from multiple decades with my stbx. Sometimes my brain decides to bring up a filed memory and in doing so, I just reprocess it based on truth, my growing understanding of myself and my past, my path in healing and also my PD education. 

SoT

Very wise and reasoned approach SoT.  My thanks 

[NBRiverGuy]

Talk with your lawyer about mitigation actions that are available to you. 

Thanks for all the the advice! I understand everything except "mitigation actions." What exactly does that mean?

[escapingman]

I was recommended to report the abuse to both the police and family doctors. I really hesitated but I did, although nothing came out of the actual reporting I had it on logs and could produce in the divorce proceedings. As SH says, cover your back and get as much evidence as possible about the abuse. Remember what SH wrote, family court IS NOT your friend. I had tons of evidence of the abuse, XW reported that I did similar abuse to her but obviously without any evidence, the court just made the assumption that we were both guilty. I am glad I had the evidence because if not they would have bought her story and I would have been toast.

Good luck NB.

[StartingHealing]

Good point em. 
have to fight the bias towards a certain gender.