How to be more assertive

[walking on broken glass]

I was thinking that other people too may be struggling with this:

Having been the target of abuse and manipulation techniques for many years, I find it difficult to be assertive and confrontational, when it is necessary. I have been thinking of techniques to use when people try to be controlling or overstep their boundaries or are just plainly rude. My mind tends to freeze and only after I have walked away from the situation do I think of good responses to what people have said, and I feel like an idiot for not responding properly on the spot.

Here are some ideas but I would like to see if people have any other suggestions:

– Take a short pause before you speak. You don't need to react immediately.
– Repeat the question back to the person. This will give you the time to think of an answer but also may make more obvious how ridiculous their demands are.
– Have ready to throw at them questions such as 'what do you mean?', 'why do you ask that?'

Of course every situation might be different but I would like to practise being more assertive and less of a pushover.

[LemonLime]

I love your suggestions, WOBG.   I am a freezer.  Also a fawner.

And I absolutely hate that.  I cringe when I think back over situations where I froze or fawned.  Situations where someone else was being totally ridiculous and inappropriate.   It's so conditioned, it feels like a reflex.  Sickening.

I know Jefferson Fisher says to say "Are you OK"?

Thank you for this thread.

[walking on broken glass]

Hi LemonLime!
It's so annoying isn't it? You don't have to deal only with the anger about the episode, it's also the shame and the regret because you didn't react. I have got a little bit better over the years but still not great.

So today I was at university (I am a visiting researcher where I live now) and this person who is one of the admins asked me if I have met a visiting professor that has just arrived. She said you will be sharing the office with her. The office is really spacious, with three desks, all equipped with computers. I said no, I haven't met her, and then she proceeds to ask me if I use the desk on the right. I said yes, she says but you don't use the computer, do you? I said no. And she says you might have to move so that the new professor gets it. I said but there are three desks there and they all have computers. There isn't really a shortage of computers, so what is the issue? And she says oh, it's just that she is a professor you know and we have to respect the hierarchy. I just said 'oooh I see' sarcastically, laughed and left.

I have had other run ins with this person and she always gets out of her way to be bossy, controlling and put me down. There was no need for any of that, there is plenty of room, and I am sure when this new person arrives we can discuss the situation and come to an agreement. But no, she had to tell me what to do and bring up 'the hierarchy' because 'I am not a professor'. I was just thinking of the interaction later and was so annoyed that I didn't show her that this was none of her business.

Just one of many examples...

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I so relate to both of you!  Freeze, fawn ... yes.  Mostly freeze now, because as I've been slowly healing, the fawn response doesn't usually leave my lips.  But because the stress response has kicked into action, the prefrontal cortex is shut down and I am just confused.  My brain starts groping around trying to figure out what is happening.  It really does take some time to orient for me.

Having some stock replies seems like a great idea.  I'd love to hear how your suggestions work for you!

I've excused myself to the restroom where I can take a few minutes to think.  Or said the next day "I've had thoughts about our conversation I'd like to discuss with you."  Or just look at them and leave their inappropriate comment hanging in the air with no response at all followed by moving on with some normal action on my part that is unaffected by their jab. 

The other part I'm working on is to stop piling anger and shame onto myself for reacting the way I do.  I learned the freeze/fawn as a child because it was the only thing that was safe.  It was reinforced in my marriage. Recovery from this is slow business for me. Not standing up for myself in the face of abuse does bring cringey feelings and shame!  So that gives me another aspect to work on.

 

[walking on broken glass]

Ooh going to the bathroom is a good idea! I used to do that with my sis when I needed to take some time off.

I hear you also on the anger/shame reaction...

[Catothecat]

The "freeze" response has always been mine, also learned in childhood as a means of self-protection.  Responding further in any way would only escalate things and never made a difference.

Over time I learned to lean into the freeze response as something actually very effective.  You don't give the other person more attention or ammunition, which is often what they want.  They have something to prove, to you and more importantly, to themselves, so denying them that pleasure can make an impact.  It doesn't really matter what they think of you--they're going to think it regardless.  They have their minds made up which is why they chose you as a target.  By not responding, by refusing to recognize what they're doing, they don't achieve their goal.  They want a reaction and didn't get it. 

It's a game to them, and not playing is sometimes the only option.  To me, freezing IS an assertive response. 

[walking on broken glass]

I really like the idea of freezing as an assertive response, Cato the cat 🐈�⬛ I had never thought of it this way. I just wish it was more of a deliberate decision instead of panicked reaction. I do feel jealous sometimes of people who have good comebacks on the spot. But you are right that with some people you can never win so it's best to not give them anything.

[Adria]

I just saw this thread and am with everyone on the freeze and fawn reaction.  However, I've been thinking lately that maybe the freeze thing isn't so bad after all.  I think most of the people are looking for a fight, a reaction or a way to upset us or show power.  My new stance on this is thinking that maybe freezing is a good thing.  I'm learning that when I just stand there and look at people like this, with a stupid look on my face, it throws them into a state of confusion. Then I walk away in silence.  I'm finding that silence seems to have more power. They don't expect that and it throws their manipulations and power into disarray.

As I get older, I'm getting tired of spending my energy on people who don't deserve it.  Coming up with answers that are thought of too late takes too much of my time and energy anymore.  I'm finding that silence puts them on the defensive instead of me.  They don't know what to do with that. So, I'm using freezing, now, as a super power.  Sometimes, I think we just need to change the way we look at things rather than fault ourselves for the way we are.  Just because someone has a smart conniving mouth, doesn't mean that makes them the winner. You could even add a smile to your silence before walking away for an added touch.  This way, we don't have to go home and wonder if we said something wrong and ruminate about that all night.  Let them wonder what your smile and silence means. I'm learning, sometimes, less is more.

[walking on broken glass]

Thanks Adria for this perspective! I will try to own silence too

[NarcKiddo]

I'm a great fan of silence. It can be very hard just to be utterly silent, but in the cases where you feel compelled to say something, then a comment along the lines of "that's an interesting question/comment/idea" with nothing further added bats the conversation ball back into their court. And if you think they will then demand to know what you actually think of it you have at least bought a bit more time to process. Or then tell them it merits a great deal of consideration that you just don't have time for right now.

[NBRiverGuy]

I'm a great fan of silence. It can be very hard just to be utterly silent, but in the cases where you feel compelled to say something, then a comment along the lines of "that's an interesting question/comment/idea" with nothing further added bats the conversation ball back into their court. And if you think they will then demand to know what you actually think of it you have at least bought a bit more time to process. Or then tell them it merits a great deal of consideration that you just don't have time for right now.

It's funny. When I first started using some of the tips from the toolbox, I started using silence and I don't think BPDw even noticed. Uninterrupted, she can have a one-sided conversation that lasts for hours.

[walking on broken glass]

This made me chuckle because it's so real!
I guess it depends on the circumstances. If someone is being malicious towards you and you just stare in silence it can be very powerful. Not so much, if they are on a monologue!

[NBRiverGuy]

This made me chuckle because it's so real!
I guess it depends on the circumstances. If someone is being malicious towards you and you just stare in silence it can be very powerful. Not so much, if they are on a monologue!

Yeah. Not so much the attacks. I've learned not to stick around for those anymore. I'm just talking about a typical day. I realized that she does not give a rat's behind what I have to say. I come home from work, say, "Hello. How was your day?" And those are the last words I say until, "Goodnight."

[escapingman]

Uninterrupted, she can have a one-sided conversation that lasts for hours.

That makes me laugh, not because it's fun but it's sad. uNPDxw used to have long monologues where I was shouted at if I tried to but in anything before she was finished. I was also expected to sit in silence giving her full attention until she completed what she was about to say. Towards the end I just walked off which infuriated her.

[NBRiverGuy]

. I was also expected to sit in silence giving her full attention until she completed what she was about to say. Towards the end I just walked off which infuriated her.

Sometimes, if I just get a look on my face like I'm about to say something she says, "Can I please finish before you correct me?" Meanwhile, I haven't given more that an affirmative "uh huh" in over an hour.
Yes. The walking away she does not like. Now I say, "You have already covered this and now you are going in circles. I have things that I need to go do." She doesn't like that either, but she doesn't follow me when I do that.

[MaxedOut]

Yes, NB, the mind reading and anticipatory reactivity is off the charts. I have had whatever facial expression (often neutral or based on a completely different emotion) cause immediate reactivity while not saying anything.

SO wanted to talk after a blowup and separation of a couple of hours to calm down. I think it was about me not liking her throwing spoiled food on the kitchen floor (saying "come on"). She laid into me about how awful it was for me to say/do anything and then it was my turn. I said "So,-" and she cut me off, filling in all sorts of things she thinks I think and how terrible I am for feeling that way.

Later that day or a couple of days later she brought up "your criticisms again to guilt me. "I literally only said 'so' - that is the only word I said..."

[NBRiverGuy]

Yes, NB, the mind reading and anticipatory reactivity is off the charts. I have had whatever facial expression (often neutral or based on a completely different emotion) cause immediate reactivity while not saying anything.

SO wanted to talk after a blowup and separation of a couple of hours to calm down. I think it was about me not liking her throwing spoiled food on the kitchen floor (saying "come on"). She laid into me about how awful it was for me to say/do anything and then it was my turn. I said "So,-" and she cut me off, filling in all sorts of things she thinks I think and how terrible I am for feeling that way.

Later that day or a couple of days later she brought up "your criticisms again to guilt me. "I literally only said 'so' - that is the only word I said..."

You want to hear something telling? Since the middle of October, I have basically stopped saying anything other than "How was your day? Good morning. Good night. That sure was a funny thing that happened on TV. etc." Just trying to be medium chill and not saying anything about myself to keep from setting her off. She had a therapist appointment yesterday and when I got home she said, "I told my therapist that we are communicating better now than we have in our entire marriage."

[Marianne]

I naturally fawn. But my parents always tried hard to arouse a fight response. They use it as proof I am evil and crazy. Which even I believe now. And they use in court. Because I did start to respond in angry ways. Like yelling to please stop. Even if they purposefully sought that response.

Fawn is also used against me: see, one moment she agrees she is the problem and the other moments she yells we beat and threaten her. When she is not in one of her crazy moods, she understands we are great parents and she is the problem.

Freezing is useful. I think you need to be able to pick the adequate response to the adequate moment.

Which just needs a shitload of practice. And going against your reflexes.

With my dad I am just learning it. But I have now with all other people learned an assertive response. Where I stay present and choose what is best.

As an example.

My customer in the coffee bar terrace smoked weed. I asked him calmly to put it out (assertive). He threatened to crash the table on my head and an ambulance would be needed. I got out of the situation (flee). Got my boss. We went back together. She talked with him (Get help).

He was subtly intimidating. But denied all unlawful offenses. He was bullying by keeping on drinking his coffee and talking. After she send him away (I let another person fight).

I said nothing, picked up his half full coffee and left. I was silent when he protested (flee/freeze).

I then called the police and reported (get help).

I don't know if this was perfect.

But I think after trauma we often forget the assertive responses.

Of calmly setting a boundary or calmly asking why. And calmly getting help.

I also think we often cannot switch from one instinct to the other. Or choose the adequate instinct. Because we respond to the past. Not the present.

Key is bringing yourself back to the present situation.

I started with the area were it was most needed. I kissed or had sex against my will because I fawned/froze when someone tried something. Csa thing.

I asked Gods help. And managed to get over my terror response once. I forced myself to feel the terror and go against it. Step over it.

After that I knew I could do it. And it got easier and easier with every successful try. My body learned it did not get molested if it said no.

You can learn.