Food Hoarder

[Danie]

When my widowed mother went into the hospital in March of 2023 we cleaned her house and found a lot of hoarded food! They were groceries, not fresh rotting food. Although her 2 refrigerators and chest freezer were also full. She had a bedroom stacked with cans, packaged dry foods and anything else that was shelf stable. Her kitchen cupboards were full and a pantry downstairs was also well stocked and had other things like paper products - I'm talking 17 rolls of aluminum foil. I know there are a lot of hoarders, but she also had an inventory system going where she wrote on the packages: when she purchased it, how much, where she got it and the expiration date. She used a black marker and inventoried every little thing in her cupboard and pantry. To her credit she is a good cook and now that she is back home (in a wheelchair) she is able to cook and feed herself and clean up!

I cleaned out all the hoarded food over the year she was in assisted living and I think she is starting to hoard again. I purchase her groceries online and her in-home help (12 hours a week) helps her put them away. She orders way more food then she needs. 3 half gallons of milk yesterday for example plus other stuff. My sister and I don't really question her because it also keeps her busy and at home so that's cheaper and makes her happy. As you can imagine she has a lot of other eccentric behaviors I was unaware of since I didn't spend my whole childhood with her. I've learned about them because I'm forced to be her caregiver with my sister.

A woman comes in 3X a week for 4 hours. My mom treats her like shit. I know, because she has a camera and I've seen it! The woman is an immigrant from Africa and young. Mom accuses her of not doing what she's asked and she also speaks to her in a very demanding way. Helen does stand up for herself as best as she can, but it is really triggering, for me to watch, so I try not to. I check the camera if I'm going to call in case mom is in the bathroom changing her own diaper.

My mom is obsessed with the locks on the door. She has 2 deadbolts and even though she cannot reach them she keeps her eye on them and has a panic attack if she thinks they are not locked appropriately. She accuses Helen of doing it wrong and not admitting that it was locking hard. She did a beat-down on Helen for denying the lock wasn't working smoothly and then had a locksmith replace it. She also has attacked Helen several times of not putting all the grocery bags away appropriately.

She has had panic attacks over her phones (just replaced one again) her TV (can't operate a smart TV) her furnace (replaces filter every 2 months) water softener (constantly checking and filling the salt). On and on.......  Every thing in her house is worrisome to her. She cannot walk so she calls us, my sister and 2 other people from her church to come over and help her!! She is NOT grateful at all - she is rude and abusive, but people do it because somehow she knows exactly how to act like a victim and get people to feel sorry for her. I am not so concerned about her using people, but I highly suspect other serious debilitating disorders.

She is always consumed with problems and doesn't do anything fun or joyful. She is also very paranoid and covers her windows with heavy shades only to peek out once in a while. When her caregiver is there she has her adjust her shades which is a very specific and back and forth "move it an inch this way, no back that way" it's almost humorous. I've heard her accusing Helen of adjusting it without her consent and it wasn't where it was supposed to be. The environment is a house of horrors...just like my childhood. If Helen quits it's gonna be back to the Assisted Living - which she fought and checked herself out of.

People have tried to get her some help and medication, but she is paranoid of pills. I am trying to save myself and my sanity by going to therapy and other means. I was left with her (and my 2 sisters} when we were little after my dad couldn't take it and left. It was torture for 7 years. I am not going to let her torture me again and am working on all kinds of boundaries with her. I am so surprised I never really knew this stuff about her! She has slipped through the cracks, but is getting close to burning ALL her bridges.

[bloomie]

Danie - I'm sorry this sat for a bit and am just catching up with this. Yikes! What a load of revelations you are having with your mom's hoarding and abusive treatment of caregivers!

It is pretty shocking when the mask slips on an elderly parent and we cannot unsee their toxic behaviors and attitudes toward their belongings and those who are trying to help them.

Your mother brings to mind my own uPDmil who was a tyrant to those she considered less than her or who she believed owed her some unreasonable level of effort - caregivers, those serving the public, and certain family members. And at the same time was an expert at shape shifting into a waify little old lady. Very compelling to people for some strange reason. Not to me! 

I really love how you are staying focused on saving your sanity and continue support for yourself. This is a tough, uphill battle and I do not envy you. My own mil passed a bit ago and by the time she did she had worn everyone to a complete nub! Don't let that be you!!!

Sending strength to you!

[Sneezy]

My mom hoarded food and it caused many arguments.  She was constantly wanting me to take her to the grocery store or bring her more food.  It must be part of the insecurity that goes along with a personality disorder.  Even now that mom has dementia, and is in a memory care facility, she keeps wanting me to bring her food.  At Thanksgiving, I brought her over to my house for dinner, and she took the roll off her plate, put it in a baggie, and took it back to her facility with her.  I just hope it's not squirrelled away and moldy in some corner of her room. 

Food hoarding is just one of those many warning signs that something is not quite right.  I currently have another elderly relative who has been hoarding large amounts of food for years.  And now she is showing additional signs of covert-NPD and dementia.  It is worrisome.

Keep working on your boundaries and stay strong, Danie!  It sounds like you have gained a lot of clarity into what is going on with your mom.

[NarcKiddo]

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. And poor Helen. It is very sad when people need help but won't allow themselves to be helped. Or will only accept help if it is 100% on their terms and won't see the benefit of help that is "good enough", or goes at least some way towards helping them because that is all the helper can actually do.

My mother is prone to hoarding (and I see similar tendencies in myself, which I try to curb). She has done this for as long as I can remember with random things like empty boxes or bags.

She does not constantly hoard food but takes any excuse of "the end of the world is nigh" to build up stocks. She also catalogues it - but then does not use it up in order. So I will sometimes find loads of cans and jars with expiry dates long passed. That in itself does not bother me as these things last way longer than their dates. What does bother me is that she just goes to the shop to buy new, and then uses the new rather than the old. She is also very bad about throwing perishable food away. She used to stay in my house to look after our pets when we were on holiday. She would tell me what groceries she wanted and I would make online orders to come while we were away. There was always more on the list than necessary but she liked to use my house to entertain her friends while we were away. And some of the packets of salad, or similar, are too big for one person. That was fine. What was not fine was that she would never throw anything away. I would come back to a fridge stuffed full of uneaten food literally rotting. She is a bit better about managing perishables in her own home but one still needs to watch out for prehistoric packets of ham lurking in the fridge.