Boundary being ignored.

[Kaz1956]

Can I ask for advice please. I have an uNPD in my life, a cousin of my husband's and someone I've also known for many years. They are bereaved about 16months ago after their spouse passed suddenly.

We have been subjected to endless phone calls, visits, anger and toxic venting from this person while trying our best to support them in their grief. Most of the venting has not been about the spouses passing. It's mostly gossiping, complaining and being nasty about other people and all manner of rubbish. It became too much for us both so in April this year I had a careful boundary setting conversation with him. Essentially asking him to dial down the venting and to understand how our mental health was buckling. I'm abbreviating here and it was a very careful and well planned discussion. It seemed to go well, they said they understood and agreed to the boundary.

Since April things have gone from weird to bizarre. The cousin initially stopped all contact with us but would accept phone calls. He started triangulating me against my husband and started a scapegoating campaign that I was cruel to him.

He asked to come to see us in July saying he wanted to make things better, but on arrival staged a two hour rant that was unstoppable. The theme was that we don't understand his grief, that I am cruel and so on. All utter nonsense.

He then sent an email saying he wanted time out from the relationship until November which is when we'd both be back from overseas trips. As his birthday is in November we respected his request for NC but called him on his birthday as we've always done.

He took the call but launched into another toxic vent about all manner of grievances, including that we hadn't contacted him for 5 months. The triangulation and scapegoating against me started again and we called him out on it and told him it was manipulative and to stop. He rewrote history, took kind and well meant words from the past year or so and twisted them into malicious acts. When we said that all we'd ever done was to ask for some moderation of the way he'd take up 95% of the time we saw him with angry venting, he denied ever saying he understood and agreed to that boundary in April. He has violated that boundary on every occasion we've seen him or spoken to him since.

He was trying to bully and shame us into giving him unrestricted access to our lives. We stood our ground. He seems to feel that his grief gives him entitlement to anything he wants. Despite my getting sick from stress this year from all of this, he doesn't care or accept that we must have limits on how much we are exposed to.

In the end he said there would be repercussions for us, which we think means he's complaining to mutual family members. It looks like the relationship is over. I'm fine with this but it's all still upsetting.

It's been a complicated situation as we'd been sick of the cousin's presence in our life for some years due to his narcissistic behaviours. Then the spouse passed and all hell's broken loose.

I'm concerned that there's a propaganda campaign running and we are in a difficult situation as we can't rebut really as there's so much sympathy for his bereaved situation. No one in the family knows him as we do. I also still pity him as he's very unstable and I'd say mentally not particularly well.

I think I'm too close and very much over  this bizarre situation. I'd value another point of view. Thank you.

[NarcKiddo]

I think I remember you posting about this before. I'm sorry he is still kicking off.

Bottom line, in my opinion, is that you cannot control what he says to others and you cannot control what they do or do not believe. You say you cannot rebut, and I assume you mean that you cannot contact other family members to find out what he has been saying and then rebut. If they contact you with concerns then you absolutely can rebut. I know there is no timeline on grief but it sounds like you have bent over backwards for him and 16 months on he is being just as bad to you. There is only so much anyone can take and it sounds like you have gone above and beyond. Everyone has a limit and if yours has been reached, then it has. You need to look after yourselves. If he does not like it, hard luck. Of course it makes it harder when you know someone is unstable and may not be all that well - but it still does not mean you should make yourself ill trying to deal with him.

It is quite possible that other family members might have their own agenda if they should happen to ask why you are being mean to him. If he isn't dumping you, after all, he is probably dumping on them.

Ultimately, a boundary is yours and it is up to you to enforce it. He has shown he has no respect for your boundary. That does not mean you should relent. It is there for your protection. Equally there is probably no point in trying to discuss it with him any further and telling him what he did or did not agree to. He will clearly argue about it and still not honour the boundary. If you want to remain in any sort of contact I think all you can do now is use the approach that actions have consequences. If he does x then you will do y. All the time. Without fail. You also don't have to tell him that is what will happen. It just does. 

[walking on broken glass]

When I read the relationship is over, I thought 'thank god!'. There is nothing more you can do for him, especially since he refuses to abide by the reasonable boundaries you have set for yourselves and is constantly lashing out. He needs professional help. It is really unfortunate he is grieving, but grief does not excuse his behaviour. You should protect yourselves. If other family members believe his lies, that's their problem and they can get a taste of what it's like, if they attempt a closer contact. If you are approached by anyone with concerns, you can share your point of view, and if they still don't get it, then, again, it's their problem. You cannot control what other people think and that's ok. Stand firm in your boundaries and your beliefs and don't succumb to terrorism!

[JR]

dear Kaz im pretty much in the same position with different family members, these people see you as the cause of their problems and can prove it, so theres no sense for them to adjust their behaviors because they've done nothing wrong. Like you said this behavior really messes with your sense of reality, because your basic instincts and reality dont match up to what these people espouse to/at you. Whats makes this so infuriating there maybe family members who are enablers or flying monkeys who believe in what these wretched individuals are dishing out(victmization) and this will embolden them even the more to push the gas pedal of toxic abuse. I havent quite figured out my escape plan from my family members who are enmeshed with a few NPD members, I must unfortunately have to come the conclusion that a complete cutting off of these people is the only way out. I cannot see it any other way unfortunately.

[Kaz1956]

Hi NarcKiddo, yes , well remembered, I have come to the forum about this before. Thanks so much for your considered thoughts. To JR and walking on broken glass, I genuinely appreciate the validation and support you've expressed. I'm feeling much more at peace after reading everyone's insights. My dominant feeling now is relief.Amen to being done with this person. I can deal with any fallout I'm sure. I think he grossly overestimate's his importance and influence with the family anyway. T
Heartfelt thanks .

[Rebel13]

I'm feeling much more at peace after reading everyone's insights. My dominant feeling now is relief. Amen to being done with this person. I can deal with any fallout I'm sure. I think he grossly overestimates his importance and influence with the family anyway.

Hooray! I'm so glad you are feeling peace and relief with the ending of the relationship. It can be so hard to internalize that we deserve mutuality and reciprocity in relationships, and that if someone isn't treating us well, we don't have to stick around for it. Those are the relationships that "I'm sorry you feel that way" and gently putting down the phone were made for. 

It's sad that this kind of person can destroy relationships with their smear campaigns. However, we are lucky there are lots of people in the world and we don't have to hang out with those that believe someone else's lies, exaggerations, etc. Smart folks will make their own decisions based on their own interactions with us, not the narratives of a third party.