Never Ending Abuse

[Lemon]

I come from a family in which both of my parents and sister are narcissists. When my parents split, my father started his emotional abuse towards me, my mother did that but was also so self involved that I was not the priority. My older sister spent time with friends and when she was with me, would bully me physically and emotionally. She also made sure that the parent we were living with, our sick mother, blamed me for all. (It is literally only a decade ago that any acknowledgment was of that dynamic was made). I was therefore on my own from the age of 10.

I made many horrible choices but knew I had to make certain correct ones to get the hell out.

I am almost 50. I didn't meet my husband until 37. This was my family at 37: no communication with father as he married a woman he cheated with who wrote both my sister and I out of the story, horrible relationship with limited talking to mother (went to therapy to give her boundaries she still doesn't respect) and my sister is almost 25 years into an abusive relationship with a sociopathic, narcissist.

I thought my husband was a great guy. His sister a selfish asshole. His father was dying and he was living with him to take care of him.

We only find out after his fathers death how much both of my husbands parents hated my brother in law. This is the person married to my husbands sister. He is a sociopathic, narcissist alcoholic.


I would not have married my husband knowing all of this information however they lived in Australia. They now live 20 minutes away.

My drunk brother-in-law has put hands on me and my daughter hurting us both. My husband's sister blames me for my abuse when I put boundaries up with her family. I am completely fine with both of them.

My husband has seen me spiral, seen me in bad situations and I asked him to just end the relationship because I can't go through this again. Well, here we're are almost two years after that first physical incident with em and my kids. He is physically and emotionally abusive to his family. My SIL likes her lifestyle, that's a quote, and therefore she is a fart in a windstorm of life.

My husband wants to maintain a relationship with her. He has even walked in this house to tell me he agrees with his sister and aunt and then didn't speak to me for days.

If you think wait, someone must have seen me, that would be a no. My feelings come after my SIL. Sometimes my kids feelings come after her. We are in marital counseling but I don't see how this will work out. He took them there yesterday and I had a visceral reaction to not being able to keep them safe. Do I drug myself and go to the spa and cry the times he takes them to see abusers? Do I divorce to keep us all safe? I am spiraling. I am trying to get back to the gym to get my mind and body back for this fight I never wanted. I just want peace and the only way I see it at the moment is the day I die, in order to not bother everyone else's disfunction which is always blamed on me b cause I am the one with boundaries

[Lemon]

I am done with my in-laws. Apologies. Not fine. I speak to my sister on occasion as she now wants a relationship. It's in her because I was a good sister but I never had one. It's been almost a year and that hasn't gone anywhere. I know, not shocking. She is now deciding if she can be less selfish in order to take her blame and help us heal. Again, not shocking. Her husband is persona non grata.

The two assholes from my husbands side are also persona non grata to me.

Maybe being alone is the best option but hurting my kids sucks. I don't want to be put aside anymore. My husband has literally said to me in the past, thanks for doing that so my sister is fine. By doing that, it meant negative me. I cried the entire day. He says I am the priority and I will need to get over my physical response to my kids being in their presence without me. I don't think that is possible without becoming a partial addict to something so I don't think about it when it happens. He seems ok with that too because he still gets what he wants.

And no, I am allowed no communication with her kids. That's fine. I have 6 other nieces and nephews.

[bloomie]

Lemon - welcome to Out of the FOG. My heart goes out to you for all you have been through. The latest with the abusive behaviors toward you and your kiddos and not being supported by your H has to be weighing heavily on you.

One thing we believe here at Out of the FOG is that children's safety comes first. From what you have written, you believe that as well, but have H who does not see his sister's and bil's behaviors as toxic for you and your children.

At the root of things it seems you have to focus on the inability to find agreement around that most essential thing... your safety and the safety of the kids. Having a neutral third party, like a marriage counselor, is a good addition to the current serious issues you face. Well done!

What we can offer you here is a community of fellow travelers. People who have been through similar things and have insights and support to offer you as you share on the forum boards.

We also have great resources of online vids, books, articles, many ways to equip yourself and empower yourself that don't involve choices that could harm you further. 

Take some time and look around. We welcome you and look forward to supporting you!