caregiving with a NPD elder parent, the torture never stops

[JR]

im caregiving an 84 year old NPD plus stroke survivor since 2015 and im pretty much having to deal with this double barrel torment of constant ailments, sore backs,diarrhea, dizziness, stomach aches which cannot be substantiated by any medical professionals and is driving anyone who will listen insane with this guessing game of what might be causing all these ailments which have been occuring off and on since 2015. i've had quite enough of trying to help put out these fires/ issues(if these issues actually are occuring at all ) medications have been changed, antacids have been prescribed to no avail. seems like this narc is trying to drag as many people into this issue as possible, my sister is now taking the helm(finally a break for me) unknowing that shes really dealing with a narcissist and might have made this all up to begin with. her primary care doctor and staff have had enough and pretty much told her to go to the emergency room hospital just to get her the heck out of their hair. personally i think these people are making themselves sick in order to garner sympathy, because nothing psychically can be found wrong and the doctors medicine cannot be associated with anything.

[xredshoesx]

gentle hugs- I went through this with my father's mother as her POA/ responsible person.  I can say I completely understand why he and his sister kept her at arm's length once they became adults.  it was ALWAYS something.  I didn't know how FLMA worked well enough at the time to know that I could have applied for it as her caregiver and ended up leaving a job bc I exhausted my sick days between the  medical incidents and follow up appointments.  it was a rough road and sadly enough, she was the link that gave me and her son/my dad any 'closeness'.  when she passed our relationship became even more limited.

glad to hear you are getting some respite with your sister's help.  maybe the one plus from the whole situation is that you may end up being closer as siblings as this journey continues????

[JR]

gentle hugs- I went through this with my father's mother as her POA/ responsible person.  I can say I completely understand why he and his sister kept her at arm's length once they became adults.  it was ALWAYS something.  I didn't know how FLMA worked well enough at the time to know that I could have applied for it as her caregiver and ended up leaving a job bc I exhausted my sick days between the  medical incidents and follow up appointments.  it was a rough road and sadly enough, she was the link that gave me and her son/my dad any 'closeness'.  when she passed our relationship became even more limited.

glad to hear you are getting some respite with your sister's help.  maybe the one plus from the whole situation is that you may end up being closer as siblings as this journey continues????

I just started to go to Caregiver support group(once) recently which basically was dealing with mostly Alzheimers disease which is a traumatic brain injury and so is stroke which i think has set off her narcissistic behaviors even worse which existed pre-stroke, as in most cases all supports systems have been cut for numerous reasons this is part of the narcissists plan to break down targeted individuals(me, since im the closest at all times that way they get their tentacles all around you) and suffocate any semblance of your individuality and you become a shell of your former self, this is done by design to keep control, and put out all the fires real or unreal for them. having recently found out about narcissism in general and educated myself to try to protect against it has helped me, but not having the support system of people around that fully realize whats really going on is terrible , thank god i've found this website at least there are people who can relate to this and have similar challenges, we can help each other.

[Sneezy]

Hi JR - Dealing with a personality disorder is rough.  Add in normal age-related cognitive decline and it gets even rougher.  Then put some dementia into the mix and it's like pouring gasoline on a fire.  The most important thing for you to remember is that you can not fix any of it.  Aging happens.  Cognitive decline happens (to all of us eventually, if we live long enough).  And dementia just sucks.  All you can do is keep your boundaries firm.  And remember the "good enough" rule.  Things will never be perfect or even good.  But they will be "good enough."  Your parent will never think you are doing enough, but that's ok.  You're doing what you're willing to do.

It's important to keep living your life.  Do what you are willing to do for your parent, but do not feel guilty when you step away and do your own thing.  It's your life - live it!  And when your parent complains and tries to manipulate you, keep your boundaries up and say goodbye until next time.

You got this!

[JR]

Hi JR - Dealing with a personality disorder is rough.  Add in normal age-related cognitive decline and it gets even rougher.  Then put some dementia into the mix and it's like pouring gasoline on a fire.  The most important thing for you to remember is that you can not fix any of it.  Aging happens.  Cognitive decline happens (to all of us eventually, if we live long enough).  And dementia just sucks.  All you can do is keep your boundaries firm.  And remember the "good enough" rule.  Things will never be perfect or even good.  But they will be "good enough."  Your parent will never think you are doing enough, but that's ok.  You're doing what you're willing to do.

It's important to keep living your life.  Do what you are willing to do for your parent, but do not feel guilty when you step away and do your own thing.  It's your life - live it!  And when your parent complains and tries to manipulate you, keep your boundaries up and say goodbye until next time.

You got this!

solid advice thanx sneezy, its tough because they seem not to be able to do menial things and i have to take over in order to get anything accomplished, if i put my foot down and set a boundary a fight ensues and the blame game starts,name calling,gaslighting. but your right i need to find more support FOR MYSELF from outside of this family structure, there's no daylight within a narcissistic family structure only endless arguments and no respect for others wishes or prerogative.

[Sneezy]

its tough because they seem not to be able to do menial things and i have to take over in order to get anything accomplished

This could be weaponized incompetence.  What better way to get attention than to be a helpless old person?  It could also be manipulation.  Because you will feel guilty for not helping a helpless old person, right?  Whatever is going on here, take care of yourself and do not let yourself get guilted into doing too much.  Ask yourself - what would your parent do if you got run over by a truck tomorrow?  They would find a way.  Things would still get done. 

It took me a long time to learn this, but nowadays when I help somebody, the help is given in the way that is least stressful on me.  So if my elderly mom wanted groceries (back before she moved to memory care), I would either order them and have them delivered to her, or I would pick things up for her when I did my grocery shopping and take these items to her the next time I had planned a visit.  What mom really wanted was for me to drop everything, drive over, take her to the grocery store, push the cart around behind her, lug all the heavy stuff up to her second-floor apartment, put it all away for her, and then take her out for a treat on top of it all.  Nope!  I finally stopped doing that and, while I did help her, I did it in a way that was easy for me.  Someone who truly needs your help will accept the help you can give, in the way you can give it, and will be thankful.  Someone who is using their incompetence to manipulate you will gripe and moan and never be truly thankful.

[JR]

its tough because they seem not to be able to do menial things and i have to take over in order to get anything accomplished

This could be weaponized incompetence.  What better way to get attention than to be a helpless old person?  It could also be manipulation.  Because you will feel guilty for not helping a helpless old person, right?  Whatever is going on here, take care of yourself and do not let yourself get guilted into doing too much.  Ask yourself - what would your parent do if you got run over by a truck tomorrow?  They would find a way.  Things would still get done. 

It took me a long time to learn this, but nowadays when I help somebody, the help is given in the way that is least stressful on me.  So if my elderly mom wanted groceries (back before she moved to memory care), I would either order them and have them delivered to her, or I would pick things up for her when I did my grocery shopping and take these items to her the next time I had planned a visit.  What mom really wanted was for me to drop everything, drive over, take her to the grocery store, push the cart around behind her, lug all the heavy stuff up to her second-floor apartment, put it all away for her, and then take her out for a treat on top of it all.  Nope!  I finally stopped doing that and, while I did help her, I did it in a way that was easy for me.  Someone who truly needs your help will accept the help you can give, in the way you can give it, and will be thankful.  Someone who is using their incompetence to manipulate you will gripe and moan and never be truly thankful.

every word is spot on this is exactly whats going on, at this very moment im being screamed at for being useless because a prescribed medication was not sent by a doctor and i told her to call the pharmacy to find out why, desperately trying to draw me into a fight to blow up my peace, these people are insideous and most people outside that don't see this behavior have no idea about narcissism and what it does to the victims, because the narcs do most of their work behind closed doors or in the car no one else see's it.

[Rebel13]

Nope!  I finally stopped doing that and, while I did help her, I did it in a way that was easy for me.  Someone who truly needs your help will accept the help you can give, in the way you can give it, and will be thankful.  Someone who is using their incompetence to manipulate you will gripe and moan and never be truly thankful.

Brilliant, thanks for this!