Silent treatment from PD mother

[JLS]

I felt like I had moved on, made a lot of progress, about a year ago I called my mother out and offered counselling and said how I really felt.  This didn't get anywhere, she invalidated my feelings, said it was all my problem, didn't want to talk and after that I gave up.  She went back to some of her old tricks, like telling everyone else about stuff going on in her life but only sending me a meme, so it became a very superficial relationship even more so than it had been previously.  I accepted this as it was. I sent a rare text when I felt like it and she will respond with one message and if I reply she then doesn't reply any further.  She has sent one meme in the past 3 months, so essentially, she is either giving me the silent treatment, ghosting me or I thought she is busy with someone else.  I mean her texts aren't even anything personal just a gif or meme.  She had something big happen in her life and she told everyone but me.  I did not bring this up with her as I finally realised that if she wanted me to be a part of her life she would include me, I am not going to force myself upon her.  So although I heard about this thing, I left it alone.  If she wanted me to know or talk about it, it really was up to her to be open about it. It was regarding a death of someone close to her, so I didn't want to force something on her that she may not want to deal with emotionally with me, but this did give me some clarity into how she really feels about our relationship.  I wasn't even a consideration to share this with. This is one of the ways I just feel totally ignored by her, that I am simply not part of her life.  She is a closed book, superficial, a brick wall, cold.

So this is new in our dynamic.  I had almost gone NC however after re-connecting with a sibling I was unsure so have left the door open however now I am wondering to what.

Through this sibling I have recently found out that my mother is involved with some drama with one of her friends.  It seems my mother has found a new target to put down and diminish. To be fair after having so much distance from my parents I was a little shocked at the cruelty of what my parents were saying. I do not normally talk to this sibling about her but from time to time something will come up.

I feel like I have been discarded. My sibling mentioned that all my mother can say is that she doesn't know what has happened with me.  I laughed at that, I mean if she was really concerned, she could pick up the phone. That's aside from the fact that I have been extremely blunt about what has happened and offered counselling to talk.

I know it's just games however it does feel like a gut punch to see her so easily throw the relationship away.  It just doesn't seem to mean anything to her.  The ease of her erasing me from her life is a little unsettling. I know this can be a manipulative tactic and that while she has another source to play with she doesn't need me.  But I think that may be the most unsettling part of all.  While she is content and busy, I am simply forgotten, put on the shelf.  I do know that at some point if needed she will re-emerge but so much damage has been done. And seeing how she is diminishing this other friend is scary to hear about. I just know the pattern, my mother has insulted this friend, diminishing this friends strengths, friend has said she is hurt, my mother is invalidating her feelings. Same pattern.  Insults aimed at taking away self esteem and self worth, scary stuff.

So I guess I feel myself walking further and further away.  It can feel hard as I watch my sibling have lunches and dinners and even though my sibling also gets frustrated at them the relationship seems much easier than mine with my parents.  I try not to compare however after hearing they are all getting together for a family Christmas lunch which I am not invited to, I just feel a little tired by it all. Although I am not sure about NC, I am happier with a couple of texts a year, not much of a relationship especially when I feel like both of us feel its just an obligation.

I just feel a little disorientated.  Anyone else felt discarded?

[Tribe16]

So I guess I feel myself walking further and further away.  It can feel hard as I watch my sibling have lunches and dinners and even though my sibling also gets frustrated at them the relationship seems much easier than mine with my parents.  I try not to compare however after hearing they are all getting together for a family Christmas lunch which I am not invited to, I just feel a little tired by it all. Although I am not sure about NC, I am happier with a couple of texts a year, not much of a relationship especially when I feel like both of us feel its just an obligation.

I just feel a little disorientated.  Anyone else felt discarded?

Hi JLS,

You and I aren't long lost twins are we?

You sound like you're describing my mother.

The ice coldness, the minimal response to texts, the discard, the moving on.

It hurts me everyday to think that mothers that are supposed to love us and be our biggest cheerleaders (only because that's how I am with my kids) are incapable. Like really, really incapable. Like they are missing the compassion and empathy gene. It's a shocker when you realize you were way more attached to them then they ever were to you.

Dear JLS, what do you need to feel supported right now?

I remind myself that my mother is mentally ill and emotionally challenged. I don't know why or what caused it, because she is so private she will not share, only that she has had a reasonable amount of loss in her life, but not as much as some who have handled it way better than she has. She has no self-awareness that her behavior has caused great harm to people who she claimed to love. That she has no remorse for her behavior and in fact doubles down on the "You're wrong, I never am" attitude. And because it is too much work to actually put any effort into repair, it is much simpler for her to do the silent treatment. Why not? She's been using the silent treatment as a method of punishment since I was 4 years old. It works for her, it's what comes naturally to her.

The fact that I don't come crawling back anymore is probably annoying to her more than anything, but she isn't getting supply for me, so my expiration date has come and gone - oh well.

JLS, I hope you will be kind to yourself. If it bothers you to hear about the holiday celebrations, can you try and remove yourself from accessing that news? Can you block social media content (texts and posts) from her? (One of the best decisions I made, and should have done 3 years earlier than I did) You said yourself that she is victimizing somebody else now in place of you - a whole new level of excitement in her sad life, I'm sure. Not fun to hear but further validation that it's got nothing to do with you and everything to do with her disordered mind.,

It feels icky, I wish I could tell you that it won't. This is hard stuff, estrangement. But it takes two people to work on a relationship and if one can't be bothered - well, you are allowed to match her effort.

I'm glad you're here and I totally get this. We read a lot about moms who keep crossing boundaries or reappearing in inappropriate ways, but not a lot about the ones who just walk away. I get it, and I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. {{{{Hugs this holiday season}}}}.

[moglow]

JLS, my heart goes out to you. It can be very disorienting, being the child of such a distant, absent person. It's not what we see, what we're told, what others have experienced.

I had some very hard talks with myself particularly the past few years, about the crap treatment I tolerated for far too long. I don't know at what point she really pulled back [even from her limited efforts as far back as I can remember] but I know for me when I started seeing a true predictable pattern I just couldn't ignore the senselessness of it all anymore. I also realized that it was never about me, the person, her daughter - none of it was truly personal because she has no clue who I am. She sees *no one*, not just me. The whole world and everything in it revolves around her.

Mother is hard into all or nothing thinking - you're the very best [for limited periods of time!] or you're the horrible awful. There's no gray area, no in between, no wiggle room. And you're there until she decides otherwise, until the next time. When she blows up/melts down, she retreats for weeks or even months then jumps on the most innocuous contact all giddy like a child. She gets comfortable in a very short time, goes overboard with calls and texts, then an edge sets in. The complaints multiply. The sniping and insults and "jokes" take a harder turn and cover more territory. She "confides" about this or that person, and you realize you've heard those same things about others. Then I realized - I bet she says those same things about ME to THEM [and I found this to be true as well]. 

But say one cross word, take one step too far [and you never know where that is], call into question or object to something she's said or done and it's ON. OR I was somehow too accommodating, too calm, too easy, and she'd poke and prod and pick a fight over something someone supposedly told her, no context, no explanation, no basis in reality whatsoever and completely indefensible. Over and over and over, all my life.

So - I'm still learning to accept the distance. The lack of care, interest or concern. I'm finding somewhat similar distance within myself, where I recognize that I also don't know her. I don't wish her ill or hope she gets hers but rather I pray for her peace and put it down. Until the next time. Because somehow there has always so far been a next time.

Homework for you: Read "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. It's not a long read and bears repeating all along. That whole Don't Take Things Personally has been a game changer for my heart. However painful it is to admit that it's -I'M- not at all personal to my mother, it was harder to hold on to some faint hope that she'd see me.

Wishing you peace - know that we're here with you.

[Rebel13]

Isn't this an interesting dynamic? So, so different from how mothers are "supposed" to behave. Honestly, after many, many years of this, I feel almost entirely relieved that I've been discarded. Once in a while I feel a little sadness, but not very often. It's just been going on so long! My brother has always been her golden child, and when she has him, why would she need me? Again, I'm mostly relieved, only a little bit jealous once in a while. I've seen them together and I know it's not fun for him either. He does a lot of "managing" and placating of her and her drama.

A while back someone on this forum (maybe Cordelia?) described herself as a "broken coffee maker" and it made me chuckle. Of course, if an appliance or object is broken -- if it doesn't make coffee, keep the groceries cold, or it produces some noxious result, like maybe an electrical short -- why on earth would someone dig through the closet or basement to find it? I don't produce supply for my mom, and in fact my bluntness and truth-speaking are unpleasant for her -- so of course I've been discarded.

There's a reason some people call receiving the silent treatment "the silent treat"! My best advice is, consider yourself lucky to have freed yourself of their nonsense, figure out what you want for your life completely separate from the family, and throw yourself into it. Enjoy your "one wild and precious life" as Mary Oliver says. When the sad-bad feels start, that's a signal to immerse yourself again in what YOU want and need -- make a new acquaintance, find a new hobby, read a book, go to a movie, take a class or a walk, pet kittens down at the animal shelter, eat your favorite thing. If nothing else, have a good cry, then pick yourself up and start again. Try to think about them and what they're doing as little as possible. I hope you make a life you're happy with and proud of!

[JLS]

See this is why everyone here is so amazing; you get it on a level that others simply miss.  The discard seemed to come after I spoke up and said the behaviour was unhealthy in a relationship and I wasn't going to tolerate it any more - did she want to do counselling to resolve any issues?  Uh no, she would do counselling for me as it was my problem, nothing to do with her but she wasn't overly interested. After that I dropped the rope and from there she has been almost non-existent in my life expect for one or two gifs.  I guess this has surprised me, the way she can just give up on the whole relationship, not even wanting to try to repair it.  She has always been indifferent to me but this came on a whole new level. Her lack of effort has gone next level.

Tribal - oh yes, my mother is completely unaware, or pretends to be of any harm she causes, blames everyone else for having an emotion and is totally not interested in any repair work.  It has been a shock as you say to fully understand that I am way more attached than she is.  I'm sorry you have also gone through this.

Moglow - yes I am at the point of noticing how much crap there is and is it worth it.  As you say the senselessness of it.  I agree that there is no seeing other people, she has her way of doing things and her opinions and they are right, I don't think I'm seen at all.  She would rather be right than have a loving kind relationship.  I have known for some time I can't change her. I'm sorry you also experience this.

Rebel - I am glad you have found some level of acceptance. That is beautiful. I do feel relieved I didn't do the counselling, I now see it would have just been supply for her or given her ideas on how to get under my skin further.  My sister puts up with a lot of judgements and put downs so although they have the dinners they do come at a cost. The broken coffee machine is an interesting idea only because I stopped reacting as much to my mother, we don't see each other or speak on the phone, there was very little supply getting through. My latest round of truth telling seemed to be particularly unpleasant for her as I told her that if she found me difficult that was her problem to solve, nothing to do with me, if she had an actual problem we can talk about it but otherwise that difficulty SHE feels is her emotion to sort through, nothing to do with me.  She didn't like having it put back on her.

I do like the thought of seeing it as being free from their nonsense. I love that saying from Mary Oliver and I do know deep down its time to simply throw myself into my own life and move on.

I guess hearing from my sister about some of the things that are being said about other people has really surprised me at the cruelty of it.  I was in that cruelty for a long time, lost and confused.  The distance has given me a lot of clarity though.  I was unsure of NC or how to proceed and I think as you say Rebel its time to completely drop that rope and go and just enjoy my life.  Funnily enough my family have always put me on the outside, like I am the rejected black sheep and yet now I am seeing this as a blessing.  On the outside I am outside that cruelty.

I have not known how to proceed for a long time, NC hasn't felt quite right, contact isn't great either.  I think for me one visit a year and maybe a couple of texts will be enough.  In getting on with my own life and dropping that rope I feel like this is my way forward.  The stumbling block has been that feeling of rejection, the feeling of being on the outside but writing here has helped me process that more so thank you.  I now see that being on the outside is a better place to be, I can step in very occasionally something that is for me but what is the point of engrossing myself in that cruel space.  It's not worth it. I have had so many issues with taking on their criticism and making it personal to me so Moglow, yes I have that book to read and I'm beginning to see how I really don't need to take on their cruelty.

Thank you so much everyone.

[Rebel13]

My latest round of truth telling seemed to be particularly unpleasant for her as I told her that if she found me difficult that was her problem to solve, nothing to do with me, if she had an actual problem we can talk about it but otherwise that difficulty SHE feels is her emotion to sort through, nothing to do with me.  She didn't like having it put back on her.

Awesome!!!

I think for me one visit a year and maybe a couple of texts will be enough. 

It's weird how clear things are when you get Out of the FOG, isn't it? When you start thinking about what you need and want? You can set this boundary and if later you feel like changing it, you can! I'm so happy for you.

[JLS]

Thanks Rebel, I mean yes at the moment I feel sad about it and that's ok. I think I am always trying to push the sadness away but maybe I'll have this moment, not letting it drag on for too long, but feel it for now, let it pass and then focus on things which bring joy to me.

Things are clearer with distance. I feel like this boundary is ok for now and as you say it can be changed later on if needed.  There would need to be sustained change for things to be different and that's not likely so it is what it is I guess.  Thanks for everyone's support.

[Rebel13]

My therapist claims that emotions -- the regular kind, that we don't feed by dwelling on and ruminating about and then having meta-emotions about ("I feel so guilty for feeling angry! I must be a terrible person!") -- last like 30 seconds. Then they pass and our emotional state goes on to something else. I don't know if it's exactly 30 seconds, but I'm finding it's true that if I just acknowledge/name a feeling, it does pass a lot quicker than I'm afraid it will! You might look into the RAIN meditation for more information and support on this.