My ex won't move out, and other problems.

[SonofThunder]

I was listening to some more of the audiobook today, and came to the section on merging.

This is something I always noticed with her, that she tends to get very upset with any disagreement or unwillingness to join her with anything - whether an activity or a drama.

She moans constantly about other people's incompetence, poor management, the way society works, life etc. but if I try to reframe anything or look for any positive, she takes it as a personal attack or dismissal of her feelings.

When we were together, hints of me having my own thoughts often triggered enormous meltdowns. It's like, she would get an idea, plan whatever it was in her head, and then get incredibly distraught if I wasn't thinking the same thoughts or enthusiastic about the same thing.

She won't see it like this, but me not wanting to do the same things as her is partly why she blames me for her poor mental health and meltdowns - in spite of her having a track record long before she met me. 

Hi P,

If you woke up tomorrow and discovered you had miraculously become the worlds leading Phd on all things psychology, and that you could accurately diagnose both her and yourself tomorrow, as well as fully understood all the dynamics of the past, what would you tell us you were going to do as a next move. 

SoT

[Lookin 2 B Free]

P, I also found it took some time to rid myself of the idea that, by virtue of the person having become dependent on me, I could not stop caretaking until a suitable substitute arrived.  It's a giant leap for some of us, especially if we were groomed to do this in a PD FOO.  You're taking steps, the book, therapy, CoDA, this forum.  Keep doing what you need to in order to heal the codependency / enabling compulsion.  Healing can happen.  I no longer have any vampires living with me.

So much good advice here.  I found what Maxed Out spoke of.  Getting sicker, financially poorer, and more needy is a hook a BPD used to keep me caretaking.  I had to go NC for a few reasons after he moved out.  And that's one reason.  He kept upping the ante and I'm sure he'd have gotten himself in such dire straights, so close to death, it would have been near impossible to say "no."  The changed locks and blocked communication helped save me.

This woman living with you, with all her problems, managed to live before she met you.  Your caretaking is a very good incentive for her to keep getting worse to keep you hooked.

The other thing I found with another PD who lived with me and I tried to save is that the social service agencies were quite happy for him to have a frazzled, burned out enabler available to caretake him so they were less saddled.  In my experience, as long as I was still on tap at all, even after saying "He can't be here; it's not safe!!!" they would still drop him at my doorstep and leave.  I had to get totally out of the picture and go NC before they'd really provide help.

And guess what?  Both of those pwPDs, whose very lives completely depended on my help, are still living years after we've had no contact.

[P]

I'm feeling huge amounts of resistance to the ideas presented here.

Fow whatever reason, I've got a strong "everyone else is wrong" feeling, even though I know this very unlikely to be true.

TBH, it feels like I'm being asked (suggested) to walk through a brick wall. 

[Poison Ivy]

I understand why you're feeling this way. But I'd like to offer a different analogy. To me, you saving your ex is the equivalent of you doing something impossible (such as walking through a brick wall). When I decided to divorce my spouse, I had to deal with not only my feelings of guilt -- I was leaving a guy who has said that he can barely take care of himself -- but also my realization that I was less "powerful" than I had thought I was: I could not save him.

[square]

P, you have very good insight and I admire that.

I've got a question for you. You could have read our posts and said "these people clearly don't get it" or "that sounds good in theory but it's not realistic for me" and never came back.

What keeps you posting here? There is clearly some part of you looking to change something. What is that part saying to you?

[MaxedOut]

P, I relate to what you are feeling. Before seeking knowledge and support here, I followed/sometimes posted to Reddit boards for loved ones of folks with bipolar, then later r/ forums for those close to someone with BPD. Which was a credit t online support-someone in a bipolar forum  mentioned "borderpolar" in a post, and I thought "what is that?" I had dismissed borderline as my spouse has stuff only found in bipolar and my understanding of borderline was hinged on the notion they are chameleons, often changing style, persona, etc. I read an article on bipolar+borderline and i could have written the description myself about my spouse (also found out about 30% of people with bipolar have cooccuring borderline!) 

Anyway... I did not like Eggshells or Stop Caretaking the first time I read them a few years ago. They seemed, well, mean. I found a couple of other books that were also well done but from the position more of helping the pwBPD as a priority. I was pretty dismissive and often miffed at the replies in Reddit advocating to leave the person.

It took me trying the BPD-forward approaches, working on myself, then when still bad implementing some of the Eggshells and Stop Caretaking approaches, and having that not really help, and trying increasingly to stop abusive behaviors and recognize them as such, to really be able to hear it.

It took that time to really be able to recognize the advice was not (usually) coming from people out of malintent towards those with disorders. And that my situation wasn't different, in fact often worse. Now I see a few things - mostly people want others not to have to go through what they did or at least have a clearer and quicker path towards understanding and devoting tools to care for their well-being better. And it's sometimes the stark stuff that sticks. Looping back in our awareness for its truth.

For me, one of those tidbits was from a close friend who was increasingly good about just offering support and love without stating any judgement about my wife or what to do. But she did say one thing: marriage is not a suicide pact. That one would continue to pop into my head until I saw the truth of it and until I got unstuck.

The idea I may need to end the marriage (or be suddenly abandoned by her) became something i couldn't imagine still but I knew it was what might happen and I needed to start imagining it.

It's super good that you are engaging even though part of you is feeling everyone else is wrong. It's incredibly insightful and open to post that this is how you are feeling and to share that with us.

Anyway, that is a long-winded way to say I feel you, you don't need to believe anyone has got it right, you are taking in a lot of information right now. I found it super powerful just to be in the company of people who understand. And people who I could share with comfortably. I really did very little confiding in friends and loved ones about what I was going through, what the relationship could be like, and how impactful my wife's disabilities had become. Part of why was not wanting to worry people, part was not wanting them to think poorly of my wife, part was knowing my wife might sense something "off" if someone did know and have that result in conflict and possible loss of a relationship, part was not wanting it to be out there with loved ones because I would feel pressured to take action and wasn't ready.

And, this one took me a while to really come to terms with: I didn't open up about it because I was ashamed. I was embarrassed and ashamed to have let myself stay in an abusive relationship. I was ashamed for how weak and acquiescing I had become, subservient really. For fear of her reactions and abuse I just differed and defaulted to her, in matters big and small-when i din't want to, when it didn't make sense, when it inconvenienced me, when it ran counter to other goals like financial security, when it isolated me, when it hurt, when it was deeply unfair, when it was scary. And I was ashamed for not having left already. And I was ashamed for even thinking about leaving.

It's all a lot. And realizing just how much "a lot" it all is important. And seeing how much congnitive dissonance we experience is important. I'll hazard a guess that feeling about what we're saying is not the only part of life where part of you k was something and part of you thinks differently (petty sure that is part of the package).

We often have coped in ways that help us not see how much, and how conflicted, it all really is. Seeing. Really seeing, is hard. You'll start to be able to see more clearly. Probably faster than you'd guess. As your own specific situation comes into focus, and your self, and your ex you'll likely be able to consider things in without feeling as activated. I know that was the case for me. I could see what resonated more or less. What seemed to fit better or worse. But it didn't arouse resistance or feelings of conflict/discomfort anymore.

It's very charged when part of us feels things suddenly make a lot more sense and there are others who understand. It's like having all the lights thrown on in a house when we have been sitting in the dark. It can feel disorienting, exposed, like it reveals things you didn't know were there. If that happens our protective instincts are going to on alert-a little wary of new or different stuff coming into our system.

But our eyes adjust and our system calms down. We learn which sights to pay attention to and which to ignore.

[SonofThunder]

I'm feeling huge amounts of resistance to the ideas presented here.

Fow whatever reason, I've got a strong "everyone else is wrong" feeling, even though I know this very unlikely to be true.

TBH, it feels like I'm being asked (suggested) to walk through a brick wall. 

That's a good thing P. 

First, the "brick wall" is there because it's a purposeful creation of the PDex, designed to keep you from overcoming the obstacle you fear. You were chosen to host her emotions because of your traits P; it's a parasite/host relationship,  It's ok to be afraid while you press forward. Great military warriors still fear, but they know that victory lies on the other side of the wall, so they press forward.

Second, you are now aware of the wall, which is very different than not seeing the wall because of F.O.G. Don't lose sight of the wall and press forward by utilizing the energy of the awareness, coupled with the resources available to you in your area to have her removed from your flat and then go NC and change the locks.

There's a popular book title in which the author utilizes the stoic mindset to encourage the reader. It's titled 'The Obstacle is the Way'.  You have much of the work already done, because you recognize the obstacle and are able to mindfully consider it from end-to-end.  It's mostly logistics from here as you accept that fear is riding along as a sidekick as you move boldly forward.

SoT

[MaxedOut]

And some of us realize we also helped build parts of the wall.

The toolbox's 100 behaviors describes abuse amnesia. That's just one way non-PDs can block ourselves from seeing as a self-protective or coping measure. I did not think I did that until I started making a note when stuff happened.

I don't advise taking the long route like I did. I advise getting her out of your flat and changing the locks and going no contact. You aren't married to her or even with her. You two don't have kids. And she's an ongoing threat to your emotional, financial, and mental health and clearly has no intent/ability for mutuality or respect. The sooner you do, the sooner you are free, and her reaction and situation will be the same or worse the more time goes on. But I get feeling unprepared to take decisive action.

[notrightinthehead]

And, this one took me a while to really come to terms with: I didn't open up about it because I was ashamed. I was embarrassed and ashamed to have let myself stay in an abusive relationship. I was ashamed for how weak and acquiescing I had become, subservient really. For fear of her reactions and abuse I just differed and defaulted to her, in matters big and small-when i din't want to, when it didn't make sense, when it inconvenienced me, when it ran counter to other goals like financial security, when it isolated me, when it hurt, when it was deeply unfair, when it was scary. And I was ashamed for not having left already. And I was ashamed for even thinking about leaving.

I can relate to this so much. This is what kept me stuck in my abusive relationship for years. Together with abuse amnesia it is part of the brick wall.

So I wish you strength for what you will realize.

[MaxedOut]

Yeah, as a generally assertive and confident person, that was a real Stuck Factor, not just an issue in reaching for support. I feel like I mostly only saw stuff similar to what P has described in posts as what was keeping me stuck, that and love.

But as the fog clears, and you keep seeing that wall, you start to ask more about "what else is keeping my stuck?" (or your therapist does!). Then you get curious and ask questions about the answers that come up.