Have a mom with a PD - I just moved out.

[parsley]

Hi, I'm new here. My therapist recommended this site to me to learn about personality disorders - after three years of therapy, I moved to a college fourteen hours away from my family. I love them, and yes, I'm here because I've always wanted to go to this school (a prestigious music school), but I hate to say that, secretly, I just needed to move away from my mom. She has an undiagnosed personality disorder, and I've gone my whole life under emotional abuse by her. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this, so it seemed easier to post on here, and maybe get some feedback or advice from others who understand.

(BTW I talk about some things that might be triggering. SH, suicide, etc)

In therapy about a month ago, my therapist (a new one at my new school) said that she suspects my mom has a personality disorder. I asked her why - she showed me this site, and I realized that my mom exhibits nearly every sign of one. She talked me through this. She knows that a personality disorder diagnosis is no small thing, but at the very least my mom has a very severe mental illness.

As the oldest daughter, I've been the one who bears the most of the weight, along with my poor dad. My little sister is sixteen and now my mom is starting to abuse her more and more now that I'm not there. I feel horrible. I had to get away from her eventually - I knew this even before I knew that what she was doing to me was abuse. I've had two therapists in the last three years and both of them told me to move out the moment I turned eighteen; no one in that house is safe from her, but especially not me when I was living there.

It was really shocking to find out that I had been abused my whole life. I didn't know that abuse could be anything other than physical or SA. There had been signs - my friends and I telling stories about how annoying our parents were, everyone laughing, then it would get to me and people would just stare, silently - but I brushed it off because my mom had an incredibly traumatic childhood. She talks about it all the time, and anytime anyone in our house says that our feelings our hurt, she uses it as a defense mechanism. And I know for a fact that her childhood was much, much worse than mine, and it's still hard to think that I had a bad childhood. But meeting friends with kind moms - even just normal moms - has made it a lot more clear for me.

Not that I haven't had a rough go of it - I've been chronically depressed since I was seven years old. Both my parents are Christian pastors (my dad is a worship singer and my mom is the executive director of our church) so I've never felt that I could tell them anything about my mental health, and telling them I was sad meant that I didn't love Jesus enough. Due to my dad's job we move around a lot, and after moving in the middle of seventh grade I had the worst mental health crisis of my life. I didn't come out of a deep, deep depression for a year; I began SH and attempted suicide when I was fourteen. I didn't get better until I was fifteen, and then fell back into it when I was sixteen. Luckily, I got out of it in a few months that time thanks to starting therapy.

But I've realized lately that all of this is because of my mom's condition. As a child, it was very clear that we had to earn our mom's love - once she disowned us for several days because we laughed too loud in a Target. She was so embarrassed she didn't look at us the whole way back home. We had to call her "Mrs. ____" until she decided that we'd had enough. It got much worse as I got older, especially during my young teenage years.

She would scream at me over things I had never done, or scream at me because she thought I might do something when I was thirty that she didn't like. She once sat me down and screamed in my face and mocked me for two hours because I listened to a Taylor Swift song - she said that I was a slut and a hopeless wannabe who would end up in a cover band (?) and have to become a stripper to make any money. I was fourteen and hadn't even had my first boyfriend yet, much less my first kiss. My dad was trying to protect me and calm her down the whole time, but she wouldn't have it. I cried in my room after that, fuming, and she got even angrier later that night because I was too scared to talk to her.

I had a crisis of faith in my eighth grade year because I was so depressed, I didn't understand why God would let someone live this way. Instead of comforting me, my mom would enter my room and cry and shriek about how I was going to go to hell and it was all my fault, and by not being a Christian I was wasting her traumatic childhood. (I have no idea what she meant by that.) I regained my faith at sixteen and have been an avid believer ever since, going to church every week, reading my Bible, and even taking religious electives at school about Christian apologetics and things like that. She still doesn't believe I'm a Christian, and as a result she's been very clear for the last four years that she doesn't like me.

There have been other things, too - not just getting angry over meaningless things like that. I told her I attempted suicide on the first anniversary of the day it happened - she was the second person I told besides my best friend. She said, "I'm glad you didn't, that would have been a very selfish thing for you to do. Suicide is such a selfish option." I left the room a bit later, I didn't expect that answer. But a few days later I was crying, and she asked me why, and I said it was because of what I had told her the other night. She said she didn't know what I was talking about. After some further conversation and investigation, I realized that she had forgotten (or had pretended to forget) that I told her I attempted. I was so confused.

Anyways, this lumped with a billion trillion other incidents like those (those are some that pop into my head) have led to my therapist helping me realize this. But now that I'm moved out, my mom doesn't act like this anymore, and it's almost worse than when she was doing it. I'm terrified of her, but I feel so much guiltier now. She really has had a horrible life, and in turn she's a horrible person, but I love her so much and I would do anything for her. Now that she isn't actively doing anything to me, I feel like I'm faking everything. I'm still absolutely terrified of her, and I never talk to her anymore, and I'm so happy about it. Does anyone else experience this? I know it's because she's taking everything out on my little sister and dad, and thats the only reason she's acting like she likes me now. Because I'm not there for her to see anymore. But she hates that I'm away at college because I don't "need" her anymore. I don't know. If anyone can relate, or have any words of wisdom about how to help her (My whole family has tried getting her into therapy, she won't budge) or how to help the other members of my family like my sister and dad. Or if I need to clarify anything, I will. Thanks so much for just letting me vent.

[Rebel13]

Hi parsley! I'm so, so sorry that you have suffered so much in your life so far. I'm very glad to hear that you have gotten yourself to a place of relative safety! I'm also glad your therapist helped you find this site. I have gotten so much out of reading the stories of other people, as well as the articles in the Toolbox section. I'd encourage you to read and take in as much as you can! The folks here are super helpful and supportive and have great ideas.

I grew up with a mom who's a lot like what you describe -- she'd be embarrassed by me doing really normal kid things and punish me for them. She had no compassion for my problems or difficulties. I never felt good enough, I got screamed at, shamed and slapped for ridiculous reasons, and everything I did, said, or thought was wrong and bad. It really hurts! I've had depression and especially anxiety also. When I left home, I had thoughts and feelings like, "Did that really happen?" and wondered if I was making things up, or exaggerating how bad things were at home. I'm much older now, and I've come to realize that my struggles in the world are the evidence of what happened to me and how much it affected me. Maybe you'll start to see that for yourself, as you recognize the difficulties you have to overcome in your life and identify some of the skills people with loving parents have, that you didn't get the chance to develop because you were busy surviving.

You wrote:

I know it's because she's taking everything out on my little sister and dad, and that's the only reason she's acting like she likes me now. Because I'm not there for her to see anymore. But she hates that I'm away at college because I don't "need" her anymore.

You are spot on about this! This is kind of a classic move -- someone gets or creates some distance, and the PD person realizes they might have to change their ways in order to keep you on the hook. Sometimes it's called "love bombing" especially if she's paying you tons of compliments trying to keep the connection to you.

As far as helping her, I don't think you'll have too much success with that, especially as you say she's already refused therapy. Maybe you can put that idea on the back burner for now, and focus on starting to build your own life. You get to do that! You're not responsible for her, even though I'm sure she's done everything she can to convince you that you are. She's a grownup and she's made and continues making her own choices. Now you are a grownup and you get to make yours.

Same for your dad. He's a grownup, and he has choices. You're not responsible for him either. You can read on this forum some stories of people who are trying to work on and/or leave relationships with people like your mom, and that might help you understand his situation better. You can always listen if he wants to talk, but it's not up to you to rescue him. In fact, it's kind of the other way around -- he should be worrying about YOU and trying to figure out how to support YOU in the face of everything you've had to cope with.

Regarding your sister, I bet you feel some "survivor's guilt" for having gotten out of the situation and had to leave her behind. Again, this is not your fault. You didn't create the situation or your parents' behavior, and you can't fix it. I felt some guilt that my sibling stayed behind when I went to college, but he was my parents' "golden child." That's not an easy road either, but he did escape some of the more overt abuse that I got subjected to, and that made it a little easier for me. But if your mom is abusing your sister more now that you are gone, that's hard to take! I hope your therapist has some ideas for you of how to cope with it and let go of some of your feelings of guilt and responsibility. As you both get older, I hope you and your sister can support each other and develop a good relationship, but that doesn't always happen. Abusive families break relationships and they can't always be rebuilt, or not in the way or to the degree that we might like. It's a hard thing to accept, and I still go back and forth on it with my sibling, even all these years later.

parsley, I'm so sorry you had to grow up this way, but I'm very glad you are recognizing the problem and seeking help and solutions! Even though it's a lot to cope with, you are starting out on your big adventure of life, and I hope it will be full of interesting experiences and realizations, love and beauty and wonderfulness despite its struggles and difficulties, and that someday you'll look back with pride and satisfaction at having overcome a difficult start.  All the best to you!!

[bloomie]

parsley - adding another warm welcome to you. I am so grateful your counselor is supporting you building a support system around yourself and pointed to this wonderful community.

My heart just breaks at the thought of all you have endured and that your sister is potentially experiencing. You are so wise to get help for yourself and to begin to build a life for yourself where you are empowered to protect your safety.

There is so much in your intro post, but what I want to suggest is to start here by reading through the resources and glossary, checking out the other online resources - some great free vids, books, etc., that will start to break through the possible gaslighting you are doing to yourself..."it wasn't really that bad..." and level out the false guilt you describe experiencing for having broken free and gotten away from a mother who is harming everyone in her family.

Something that is foundational to grasp as you commit to coming out of the fear, obligation, and guilt that is a result of having been immersed in a family system where the adults refuse to do what needs to be done to put children first and protect them.. You didn't cause this, you can't cure this, and you can't change this. The only thing you can cure and change and have control over is always going to be you and you alone. (see the 3 C's Rule)

Sadly, I am another who had a mother who also had a horrible childhood and was never healthy enough (or interested in becoming healthy enough) to create safety in our relationship. You are not alone. Your experiences are yours and are unique and important and we are here to listen and, hopefully, provide a bit of light for the path ahead of you!

Keep coming back and sharing! It helps to lighten a heavy load!

[timothyhayes]

Hi Parsley,

You're one of my favorite herbs.

First, I want to say how sorry I am for everything you've had to endure. From an outsider's perspective, I'm immediately shocked and appalled by your mother's behavior. However, I understand how difficult it can be to label her tantrums as abusive.

Let me share a bit about my own situation: I'm living with my parents in my thirties, and it's far from glamorous. My mother has had frequent outbursts throughout my life, leaving me with many traumatic childhood memories. Both of my parents had challenging upbringings filled with abuse and trauma, which have resulted in a toxic family environment. My father is an enabler who often finds himself verbally assaulted by my mother, while my codependent mother relies on me to fill the emotional void in her marriage.

I've endured countless explosions from my mother. When I started reading about FOG, emotional abuse, and related topics, it was hard for me to agree that her behavior was abuse. Just typing the word "abuse" makes me physically react. The thought of saying anything negative about my mom makes me want to defend her. It's insane, and I wouldn't be surprised if you can relate. From reading your posts, I see a lot of myself in your situation.

I wish I had something that could instantly change your circumstances. But here's something I've been thinking about a lot: you aren't responsible for how other people react.

edit:

Do you find it difficult to label your mother as being abusive because you also see the side of her that isn't insane? This has been something I've struggled with immensely. Guilt washes over me as I feel like I'm hurting that "good" side. I came back to add this because I couldn't get it out of my head.

[parsley]

Hi again! Thanks so much for the feedback:) It's really helpful even just to hear that others have gone through the same things that I have.

And yes - I would defend my mom from anything anyone outside of my family said. She's very popular and well-known in her workplace, so yeah - it can feel really strange when others talk to me about her, or when she just acts normal.

More posts to come I suppose:)

[TimetoHeal]

Hi, parsley! Welcome here!

You've taken a big step in joining the forums and sharing here.  How awesome that your therapist is even aware of this site and recommended it to you!  In my experience, it's not easy to find a therapist that even knows much about PD's, but maybe this is finally changing.

You describe such a painful childhood that you had.  My heart hurts for little parsley, and I know yours does too.  Something that has helped me in my journey is seeing myself as a 2 or 3 year old child and having deep, loving compassion on that little girl and all she went through.

I agree with what all the others have said that now is the time for you to heal and take care of yourself, not to try and rescue anyone else.  I'm sure your sister knows she can reach out to you for support if she ever needs to.  But the old saying of putting your own oxygen mask on first really applies here.

The great news in all of this is that YOU GOT OUT!!!  And while you are still really young, so you have your whole life ahead of you!  How wonderful!  If I could go back and tell my younger self anything, it would be to get out and never look back.  Fly and be free and give yourself all the love that you deserved as a child and didn't get.  I'm telling you that now, parsley.