Health Care Proxy

[InvisibleDaughter]

My NPD Mom is just shy of 71. She let me know that she put my aunt, who is 74, as her health care proxy. I know you can have more than one, since I had an uncle who had 2. I'm her only child so I asked if she was going to add me.

I could tell by the look on her face that wasn't what she wanted. A week ago she lets me know that she going for some tests and biopsies, my response was a simple yes. She then started explaining all the tests to me in detail.

I told her, you don't want me as your healthcare proxy so I'm staying out of your healthcare stuff, like you want. She just got quiet.

I've already made my mind up, if anything happens to my aunt, I don't want to be her proxy, and she'll never be mine either.

Has anyone else dealt with this? Like I said I'm her only child, so it's not like she has ppl to take care of her besides myself.

[Poison Ivy]

Hi. Are you concerned that your mother will ask you to be her health care proxy if something happens to your aunt? If this is your concern, and you don't want to be the proxy, then prepare yourself to say "no" if your mom makes this request.

Given that you don't want your mom to be your health care proxy, I suggest that you prepare a health care power of attorney now and designate someone else.

[Sneezy]

I am pretty sure that no one can force you to agree to be their healthcare proxy.  But, as an only child, if and when the time comes, you will likely be the one asked to make decisions for your mom.  Unless of course your aunt is still around and still competent.  Then she can make the decisions.  But doctors and hospitals really like to have adult children weigh in and help make decisions whenever possible.  So regardless of who is listed on the proxy form, you could get a call in the future if your mom needs someone to make medical decisions for her.

For now, though, why worry about it?  There is a chance that your mom will never need the services of a health care proxy.  She may stay competent to make her own decisions right up until the end.  She may go so suddenly that there are no decisions to be made.  Who knows?  Maybe you can just wait and see what happens in the future and make a decision about how to handle it if the need ever arises.

And if you do end up making medical decisions for your mom, being an only child means no other siblings to second guess you or to argue with.  That can be good and bad, I know. 

[bloomie]

InvisibleDaughter - are you sure your mother has changed her health care proxy? Or is this potentially meant to be punitive and/or a hoover maneuver because your mom didn't get the big bang she may have been looking for when sharing her upcoming medical procedures?

I ask, because this was a common behavior of my uPDmil for years. And, she would get DH or others all worked up and threaten stupid stuff like this and never one single time followed through with it, but sat and enjoyed the chaos she created.

You are gray rocking it like a Rock Star and deserve high praise for  your neutral response. Bravo!