Sister has cut out alcohol

[LemonLime]

Hi!
I don't for a moment believe this will change anything in a major way, but I wanted to share what I will frame as a "win" in this depressing world of PD personalities.

A quick summary:  I have an uPD sister who was Black Sheep growing up, had a very contentious relationship with my mom, saw my dad as her savior.  She resented me the Golden Child, she rebelled majorly, and eventually in her 20's came back to the family fold and "made up" with mom.  She's middle aged now, lives abroad and is married.  She and I trauma bonded over mom's micromanaging in our 30s.  So sib and I were friends for about 20 years.  She has always reserved the right to rage at people and about 5 years ago raged at me in front of my young kids and something inside me snapped.  I couldn't look the other way anymore and we've been LC ever since.   Sib went through all the stages....lovebombing, unexpected gifts, etc.   It didn't work with me.
Dad died a year ago and she tried bonding with me over a new-to-me story of sexual abuse in her teens that she implied mom was complicit with (?mom looked the other way).  This was while my dad literally was dying in our living room.  I think the timing of the story was meant to imply that I was in her "inner circle" and also to imply that the reason she rages is because she's traumatized.  But she never connected those dots for me.

I've always noted that she and her hubby drink a LOT.  And in the past 6 months, since my dad's death, the drinking has almost stopped.  They told my mom that they have quit.  And I was forced to spend time with them over the holidays, and while the tension remains, it's LESS.  The meltdowns are LESS.  Things are better.

Who knows if it will last.  My narrative is that she hit bottom....maybe when she saw she had lost relationships, including a relationship with me.  It's arrogant of me to think I have any role in this.  But I'm gonna hold onto the idea that my actions may have had some effect.  I'm the ONLY one who will not indulge her ridiculous rages.  Maybe consequences finally had some effect.  Or maybe not....but I'm putting this out there just as a possible ray of hope.

It won't change my level of contact with her.

[Liketheducks]

LemonLime, I am the former GC.  My sib is also the scapegoat and a former alcoholic, who would most definitely rage when drunk.   We both likely have C-PTSD.   After one rage that prompted me to call the police, I went NC with sib for a long time.   I'm grateful to say he stuck with the sobriety.  I still drink in moderation, but he and his family have fond a new happiness in being sober.  His rages, at least with me, are gone.   I'm sure he gets triggered by things from time to time, but he does take steps (as we all should) to prioritize his feelings of safety.   I know that he had hit a rock bottom.   

I recently discovered in a therapy session that my mom and sib would use trauma as something to bond over.  It is really difficult for me to take.  But, is definitely how my mom tries to get close to me.   My brother passed recently.  If nothing else, grieving a close family member brings out all the ick.   I have noticed that since he's been long term sober, he has a new band width for me.  We still approach things cautiously with each other, but things have definitely improved.

I agree, keeping mindful of your level of contact and safety with regard to her is the best bet.  Time will tell.   And, NC. VLC, some contact, full contact, can be as fluid as it needs to be to suit your needs. 

[walking on broken glass]

Hi lemon lime!

I am glad that your sister quit alcohol. Addiction is often paired with the disorder and has disastrous effects. My sister also drinks, a lot! She claims it calms her down but I seriously doubt it. It doesn't really matter what exactly brought about the difference, it's just good that it happened and your sister has calmed down a bit. Every little helps! In my case, sister is GC and I am the scapegoat, and her behaviour has deteriorated dramatically after the death of our dad. I don't hold any hope that she will mellow! But it's a different person and different circumstances. I am really glad for you 

[Sheppane]

Hi lemon lime.
I could have written the first part of your post - really relate. Especially what you said about trauma bonding with a sibling.
About the alcohol thing I think you are right she must have had a moment or some cause to make her question the damage alcohol is causing her. And I don't think you are wrong to think that you putting down strong boundaries may have actually had a role here. If you were the only one putting in boundaries around her raging , who knows , that may have at some even subconscious level had a effect on her. I am glad to hear the tension is less and also the note of caution from you that this does not necessarily change anything in terms of your level of contact.
We all know what it feels like to think " it has changed" only to realize it is just where things are right now. I can get very excited at the prospect of a change and a happy ending ...I'm not saying necessarily that that's what you mean , but I think it can happen in dysfunctional FOO dynamics, and then we get stung again.
I can hear from a healthy distance that you can see that your sister removing alcohol is having a positive effect on her. When I can access my inner compassion to those whom I have a turbulent relationship with it does help me to, from afar, wish them well on their journey. If there is one thing that will keep a person drinking when they probably should quit, it is lack of boundaries and enabling from others ( as well as their own lack of desire for change ). So I think yes your own healing is possibly having a ripple effect. My therapist once said to me in a similar situation ( not alcohol ) where I was reflecting on how things seemed to have improved but was equally trying to protect myself from stepping back in " if there is love and a healthy relationship there for you, and you keep doing the work yourself, it will find it's way back to you ". I like that idea as it shows how little control we have over others or how others behave towards us and in the end all we can do is keep our side of the street clean. I hope that helps.

[LemonLime]

Hey Liketheducks, WOBG, and Sheppane,
Thank you so much for your kind replies.  As usual, I feel seen and heard, and that makes a tremendous difference to me.  I know I can write here and be seen in a way that nobody else in my life makes me feel seen.  So thank you. 
It's so interesting that many of you also have PDs in your life that drink too much alcohol. I know it can go with the territory.  And of course drinking makes things worse. So, with cautious optimism we carry on.....