My daughter in law is controling my son

[Juju]

My daughter in law is a beautiful professional woman who has worked very hard along with my son to achieve her goals and fulfill her and my sons dream of a home and children. I feel like I have lost my son who is so wrapped up in their lives that he has forgotten or just doesn't want to have anything to do with me (his Mom) or his older brother because his wife just doesn't like us. I am not making this up she doesnt ask me to babysit and I do think she has mental illness like her mother who has been Bi-polar since she was 19 years old. My son is a nice guy who just will not face anything negative and is sort of stuck in the middle of her and me which I believe is so wrong and I feel bad then he cannot stand up to her but what is a mother to do????

[notrightinthehead]

Not sure I understand - what makes you say your daughter in law has a mental illness? She seems to function ok, from what you write in your post. If I understand you correctly, your son seems to focus on his own family, and if that was a problem for me, I would approach my son and find out the reasons for his behaviour.

[walking on broken glass]

Have you talked with your son about this? What makes you think that your daughter in law suffers from a mental illness? Your only description of her at the beginning is at odds with the rest of the post.

[Juju]

The reason I say this about her is her behaviour, she ghosts me and my older son and his wife by not answering texts (this was awhile ago now I just directly text my son). She has alienated herself she is moody she overreacts to her children if they get a little scrap, she stares at me as if it was my fault, she doesn't discipline the children they are wild and have to be entertained constantly or they misbehave.  Her mother was in and out of mental hospitals her whole childhood. I don't think her attitude and behaviour are normal (I know people will say "are you a mental health professional)  My son can never just come over and visit or do anything without her, its like she is afraid he might say something about her.  I notice he always has to get her approval to do anything.  It is hard to watch she has also turned him against me I know this for sure I know she is very opinionated. 
It is just hard because I honestly don't know what I have done wrong, I adore my grandchildren but she never asks me to babysit, has never let them spend a night here she always wants me to go to their house if she ever has asked in the past.  She once told my older son "don't leave yourld newborn with her" this is because I babysat when my grand daughter was 5 months old and fell asleep on the couch (I wasn't feeling well) and she was crying in her crib for a few minutes (my daughter in law was monitoring her in her crib from her phone). I could go on and on ... my son and I use to be very close but now I feel so left out of their lives.  I say mentally ill because she has so many of her Mom's ways. 

[walking on broken glass]

I understand how inexplicable hostility can be very upsetting. Have you tried talking to your son about it?

[Juju]

yes he feels torn and I don't want that for him but I also want him to stand up for himself and maybe say a good word about his Mom ... me because I honestly feel like she dislikes me, she has a cold personality.

[walking on broken glass]

But what exactly did your son say? Did he give any reasons why he and his wife have been keeping their distance? Being cold is not a reason in itself.

[bloomie]

Juju - I get how hard it is to not understand what lies beneath what feels like distancing from your adult child and his family. Ouch!

I have a bit of a different take on this as a mother of an adult son. You know what it sounds like to me? It sounds like you have done your job and done it well as a mother to your son. It seems like, from what you share, that your son is honoring his chosen family, wife, children, first. And I just bet you raised him to be loyal and true to the love of his life.

You have raised a man who is standing with his wife and children and figuring out their lives as is best and right for them. Read through some of the posts over on the in law board to see how rare it is for men to be strong and do this and then take comfort in the knowledge that you have raised a rare man who doesn't sound weak at all to me. He sounds loyal.

That doesn't take away the disappointment and longing for closer connection or for some kind of acceptance and approval of you from you dil. That doesn't take away the dream of having sleepovers and cookie baking times with grand babies that you are not able to have.

Hear me now...That doesn't mean it is easy or even how your son would/did choose when it was just him, but it does mean that the most important step you can take to stay in any kind of connection with your precious son and his family is to find ways to show love and acceptance of his wife - the center of his family and the mother of his children.

Having been raised - and I use that term loosely - by a mentally ill mother, I can tell you my own mil and sil who made it abundantly clear that they were disappointed and felt I had taken their son/brother away from them, had no clue or interest in what I was experiencing as an adult daughter in ongoing issues with my mother or what I had experienced growing up.

I would've given a whole lot to have someone like you in my life to hold space for me and my children and provide emotional safety however they could. I was crushed to not be offered even friendship from my own mil and sil. Not saying that you haven't offered that, only that you hold a place in your son's family's life that may be very hard for your dil to fully understand and trust given all she has most likely experienced.

Do what you can with what you have and keep pouring on love. Mind carefully what, when, how you communicate to other family members about your son/dil/the children. You hold great influence in your family and you may shape the very atmosphere they enter into on the occasions you do get to share with them by what you have said previously.

Keep coming back and sharing as you work through the understandable emotions and disappointments you are feeling.

[Juju]

thank you Bloomie that was wonderful advise, I just want a closer relationship with my son I want to be with my grandchildren more and be more a part of their lives but it is complicated.  Everything you said was comforting and true.

[blacksheep7]

Juju,

I can understand your sadness and pain of not having a relationship that you would like with your son.

I have had and still have somewhat some disappointment with my son and the mother of his daughter. They seperated after twenty years, his high school sweetheart.  They have different wants in life, lifestyles.

Dil let me babysit but when it was at my house, I would invite her to stay for supper with us when she would come to pick up grandd after work.  She always refused. When my family would get together for the holidays or some other gathering, she would show up at the last minute. I realized early on that she didn't have any interest with us. She would never invite us for coffee or supper apart for the yearly bday party of my gdaughter. She remained polite.

I'm sure, like myself that you didn't have that kind of relationship with your parents or in-laws.  We would make sure we had a relationship with them x times a year attending gatherings and special milestones along the way. Yes, things have changed. I have to invite them for a meal, then they are available.

Today my ds has joint custody. I have to call my son if I want to see my 13 yr old granddaughter when she is at her mother's house. I can not communicate with the M even though I have her telephone number and we wish each other happy bday every year. I see her when my gd has competions of her praticed sport.
She also does not want us (the gparents) give her a lift home, which is on our way from where ever gathering we were at without the parents. I has to me my daughter and it's out of her way.

My son still celebrates her bday every year. That is the only time I go to his house. Busy busy busy.  He pays a price for peace which I do know.  I have no choice but to accept it. He has let me know in the past that he will not change the arrangements with the mother. Period.

There are certainly things that bug me, leave me confused but there is nothing that I can do. He is a grown man, his life which he controls and I have come to realize that I can only accept this situation. There is no use for me to be angry and/or give him a cold shoulder. I still give him my love.

 

[Juju]

yes very frustrating the thing is it really depends on the wife I have another dil that is wonderful I never feel out of place or told what to do or feel unimportant with my grandsons but my younger son well this is where the problem is as this dil only wants me to come to their house to babysit they have never dropped the kids off ( 5 and 8) here, it is so much more convenient their way, she has been so disrespectful and nasty on some occasions and it is hard for me to forget this behaviour.  I have to call him as he never calls me to see how I am, so I can see the kids, I don't communicate with my dil but we have cordial enough encounters now.  Miss my son we use to be close but he is devoted to his wife and family now and I'm just not important in his life anymore, sad but this is our relationship now.  When my boys were little we use to visit and always be in my Mom and Dad's life but its just not like that anymore.

[walking on broken glass]

Hi juju,
I find your last sentences rather problematic. You seem to be in competition with your DIL about your son's attention. Your son is not a little boy anymore, he is a grown man with his own family. What families used to do in the past is not exactly an example to follow: the generation of my parents demanded respect from their adult children because they thought it was owed to them, simply on account of being their parents. It was a relationship of ownership, not of equal partners. I can detect traces of that in your post. I am not sure what the problem with your DIL is, as you haven't clarified, but adult children form and belong to their own families, not their families of origin. Many of us actually are here because of parents who had this problematic mentality. I think you should reexamine your position.

[Juju]

oh I didn't realize I might be in competion with my dil, I've never felt that way I guess I haven't articulated the issues which would take too long.  I'll just stay out of their lives (like I do anyway) and be here if they need me.

[bloomie]

oh I didn't realize I might be in competion with my dil, I've never felt that way I guess I haven't articulated the issues which would take too long.  I'll just stay out of their lives (like I do anyway) and be here if they need me.

Juju - you don't owe us more context and we are only seeing a snap shot of any of the circumstances that bring us all here.

Losing close connection with an adult child is painful and not being able to find a way to establish a healthy and loving relationship with a dil has to be something you are searching for help or insights in because you desire that - and that is loving. As you have already said, it is complicated.

Unless you have been asked to not be a part of their lives, I would adjust and initiate a 'how are you' text now and then with my son/dil and I would happily go to theirs to be with the kiddos if it means having time with them. If you feel that would work for you.

If the goal is connection, and that seems to be what you are understandably longing for, then when you find opportunity, connect. If you are able, do what you need to to let the past harshness go as it seems you and your dil have found your way to a polite in person experience - which is progress! Something to be grateful for!

[xredshoesx]

@Juju in some of your other posts you mentioned some issues with your partner- is it possible the DIL here in this post is uncomfortable with the relationship between you and him and that is causing some of the coldness/ distance or a possible reason she doesn't want the grandkids at your place?