sexless marriage

[jumpin]

My wife has bpd but vehemently denies having it. (She was diagnosed years ago.) Since then she went to see an ED therapist who was horrible. Hasnt been in therapy in years. I tried marriage counseling, but wife has been abusive in the past both physical and verbal. When one is abusive, marriage counseling is never advised. That's another topic for another day, but suffice to say Im never doing marriage counseling again because this isnt about a marriage problem. At any rate, shes actually been pretty "normal" (with maybe 2-4 strong rages per year). During this time that shes been "normal" sex never happens. Hasnt happened in months. A few years ago we had a discussion about it. She gave me the "it's not you, its me" and said she'd work at it. I'm sick of asking and trying, and being the only person giving or acting like he wants it. I want her to want me. But Im just done trying. Every so often shell touch me, or grab me, and act like she wants sex. But it never happens.

Anyone ever experienced this?

[SonofThunder]

Hi jumpin,

So sorry you are experiencing a sexless marriage.  One of our leader-members past provided a very meaningful reply in another person's thread on a similar subject, and after consideration, I have taken those comments to heart. 

Since this sensitive, yet very important subject can be influenced by a wide variety of emotional, physical, medical and other factors, it can be very difficult to figure out solutions for ourselves that will potentially resolve the difficulties.

Regarding PD's, I know I can only control myself and in a marital union, connection through true intimacy is such an important part, yet so much is relying on my disordered partner, which can be daunting.  Even when I was personally aware of all the knowns and/or unknowable factors claiming to be involved with periods of denial or lack of desire in my experiences with my spouse (or even the reverse for periods), I was always desiring to know the truth; the motives. I had my personal ways of figuring that truth for myself, but it was unique to me and my situation/relationship. 

To answer your question though, yes I have experiences both denial and lack of desire, lack of my spouses initiation and also her claims that it was her, not me.  I have also experienced intimacy baiting, only to be denied, which is very frustrating and imo, quite sinister in its intent. 

Wishing you the best in your quest for satisfaction in that emotionally difficult and complex area of a relationship. 

SoT