NC for 5 years

[gcj07a]

Hey all--

I formally went NC with my unBPm five years ago yesterday, though I hadn't spoken to her for a few months prior to that. I have spent a lot of time reflecting these past couple of days and I find myself deeply grieving. I grieve for the fact that my kids (10, 8, and 6) have no relationship with their grandmother, but it was her treatment of them that pushed me over the edge.  I have a voice in the back of my mind saying that I made up my history of abuse, that it wasn't that bad, that I should reconcile. But an even more powerful voice calmly lists all of the crap she put me through. I grieve for the mother I never had. I grieve for the lost and scared and abused little boy who cried himself to sleep more often than not having suffered at her hands. Sometimes I ask why I have to feel all of this grief, and the answer is because I am a whole person who is compassionate, kind, and understanding. I am not like her. I don't use others for my own ends.

Other than family, only a few people in my life even know I am NC with her. I've found that most people cannot understand. They wonder how someone can just cut his mother out of his life! But what they fail to grasp is how I have to make the decision to be NC over and over and over again. I think about it everyday. And, everyday, I have to decide again to remain NC. It was not a one-and-done decision--it is a burden I choose to bear for my wellbeing and the wellbeing of my children. With the holidays finally past, the acuteness of my grief will recede (that is the historic pattern), but I will continue to mourn this necessary amputation, like a phantom limb.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

GCJ, I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling, understandably worsened by the holiday season.  You have done something which has been very hard for you day-by-day for 5 whole years so you could protect your children from PD abuse.  That's an incredible accomplishment!  As for the "it wasn't that bad" voice, I think many of us had that instilled early on.  I'm glad you answer it with facts.

In "Stop Caretaking the BP/NP," she lists as part of the stages of healing Kubler Ross' 5 stages of grief (which end with acceptance).  I think grief is a powerful part of healing.  I hope you're finding it so.

Not sharing the NC with people who don't understand PD relationships sounds wise to me.  We need support, not judgement or uninformed opinions.  There are plenty of people here who understand.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi gcj07a,

You are in a tough spot when you have people in your life, who don't understand your decision to go NC. IMHO the average person does not yet understand this.

My guess is that one of the problems you face, is that, without disclosing how bad our abusers were with us behind closed doors, most people don't know what we've actually endured and survived.

Most abusers are awful behind closed doors and have a public facing facade for the community (and other family members). So most people have no idea what happened when they were not there, and when you were small. They have no clue what you are protecting your children from. But you know.

I found that it really depends on your relationship with each person in your life and what they already understand about the world. Some people, I might be able to say "if you knew what she's capable of when no one is looking, you'd never let her be alone with your child either". But not everyone is going to want to think about that. Parental abuse scares most people. They want to believe it doesn't happen. Even some therapists recoil when I've disclosed reality to them.

I told myself that if the people in my life knew what my PD parents were capable of, they would not put their children in harms way either. And people here on this forum get it. Many of us know what happens behind closed doors or on phone calls when an abusive parent is in their full abusive state. Most people think their grandparent is like everyone else's grandparent. They don't bother to think about the rest of us, who had these awful childhoods. And who are now protecting the next generation from that abuse.

Talk with us, we get it. You are giving your kids the childhood you didn't get.

Trees

[Call Me Cordelia]

Howdy, fellow traveler. I hear you, as I'm traveling a similar path. I'm NC seven years or so with both my FOO and my in-laws too. In my case setting a single boundary with each set of parents blew down the whole house of cards that was each uPD family system. There's no putting it back together. We have kids too and we're just done. It's clearly better for our children this way.

I don't discuss this situation much outside of this forum. When it does come up, and yeah the holidays are stinkers, I definitely avoid giving unnecessary details. It's just more than most casual acquaintances bargained for when making small talk, so it's a kindness not to whack them over the head with it or force a response, but I have definitely sometimes said something like, "Both my husband and I come from severely abusive families," and followed up with something positive about our holiday plans or whatever. I do find it empowering to tell the truth but also that truth does not define me and is certainly not even the most important part of my story. I'm not dumping my story. Just acknowledging it's there as background information. Important, so thank you so much for not asking about my folks as small talk in the future, but the fact I went NC is not something I need to protect everyone else from or hide in shame. I spent most of my life covering up my parents' abuse and to be honest it feels good that I'm just not doing it anymore.

But oh yeah I still have grief. It really has gotten less. For me something shifted right around that five year mark, and I've heard others on this forum say similar. The, "Oh it wasn't that bad," voice has been pretty well squelched by now. I bet you did try to heal things with your mom for a long time before going NC as a last resort. We tried for a long time, and left a very clear path to reconciliation that honestly I still believe is a stupidly low bar, but still no effort was ever made to understand our perspective or take responsibility for their part in the relationship. We left the ball in their court, so to speak, and they couldn't be bothered to pick it up since we would no longer play by the old rules that hurt us so much. That really says it all. Or as you simply put it, the reality voice is stronger than the FOG voice. And if they couldn't be bothered after five years, the hope that they ever would was gone then.

But grief still comes up. The holidays still are a bit rough. I don't grieve though that my children don't have a relationship with their grandparents so much as I grieve they don't have decent grandparents or indeed any extended family at all. I can't give them that. I can only fix my own generation in their family tree, and try to set up the next ones for better relationships. That keeps us pretty busy. And that is healing work.

Happy New Year to you and your family.

[gcj07a]

Thanks everyone! I appreciate the feedback and support. I love this community so much because I don't have to explain myself. You all get it. Happy New Year to each of you as well!