Circular Conversations - So Frustrating!

[true2me]

I just need to vent. My uPDh who I am convinced is a covert narcissist frustrates me to no end! I have lived with decades of being seconded guessed on everything I do and say. Greyrocking and not engaging is constant. He often asks questions prefacing "I just want to know/understand". Today, while taking down the Christmas decorations, he asked about a piece of the material the couch was made out of. Honestly, at the time, I was a bit irritated because I was just trying to get the work done. I answered rather short explaining it was interfacing to reinforce the upholstery.

After completing the task, husband was sulking in the kitchen. I already know where this is going. I return to the living room and husband follows. He stated he thinks I am conditioned to him second guessing him but that he asks questions to understand. I replied that I HAVE been conditioned to respond in a defensive manner as this has been going on for decades. He responded I am living in the past. I stated that while I appreciate him acknowledging his behavior I cannot be expected to NOT initially react but I will be mindful as long as he understands how we got here.

Oh my word. You would have that I had asked for a kidney. He reiterated I am living in the past, he cannot ask questions, and he should keep his mouth shut. I said OK and stopped responding. He sulks.

I just believe there is certain amount of self awareness with these personality types but they don't want to change. It's easier to be a victim while victimizing others. 

[Rebel13]

What happens if you say "I don't know" in a very neutral, nondefensive way when he asks these kinds of questions? I mean, we have Google for a reason. 

[true2me]

My response has been that I would have to Google it so he might as well do it himself. His father acts like this with his mother and she obliges him.  I just can't..

Several years ago I decided to lose weight due to health issues. I was very disciplined and lost a noticeable amount of weight. Husband is upset I didn't lose weight for him. I have kept it off. From time to time he mentioned that him not being my motivater hurts him. I explained that I did it for me but he reaps the benefits of a healthy wife. He still tries to badger me to say its for him.

I'm just having a hard day. The more independent I become the worse he gets. I feel like a have to keep my thoughts and actions secret to survive. Living like this is exhausting!!

[SonofThunder]

The more independent I become the worse he gets. I feel like a have to keep my thoughts and actions secret to survive. Living like this is exhausting!!

Hi true2me,

First, a heartfelt congratulations on your weight loss for health goals and keeping it off!    Thats huge on its own but doubly so with a self-focused, sulking uPDh dragging you down! 

That certainly is three pieces of truth in the quote above. Agree that the PD senses our independence growing and becomes progressively desperate in their quest for victimhood, while we become more isolated by our necessary self-protection. 100% exhausting as you stated. 

SoT