I don't know what's going on!

[Ellie123]

Dear all,

I have been in a narcissistic relationship before, successfully left, was on my own for some years and remarried again (3 years of marriage).

My husband is great in general just very sensitive and cannot take criticism. He financially supports the family and is more if a thinker than a doer. I love him and I am grateful for everything he does for us and I make sure I tell him that often I appreciate everything.

He does not do much physically for the household apart from earning money and doing shopping once a week. I also have a full time job too so it is not all on him. But there are some behavioural patterns which I quite don't like and I am not sure if I am looking too much into it or wanting a perfect marriage.

We have been staying with my parents on and off for some months as they are hitting their 80's and need extra care. I feel the responsibility to make sure their place is tidy and they have warm dinners cooked every day, clothes washed.

We both work full time 8hrs a day remotely and I do mainly everything (cleaning, washing, walking our dog, parents care). I feel exhausted, husband chips in and cooks an odd dinner here and there but has the hands off attitude in general. He will oddly do dishes and cooking but there is no consistent help and effort. What puzzles me, quite often he will go and cook himself lunch or dinner and does not think to offer anyone else. He even leaves dirty dishes around on random occasions and my father washes it after him. I feel hurt by that, so I brought it up saying we came here to care for the parents. And he turned it on me saying I am ungrateful and I do not respect him, he is happy to cook, if they ask him or if I ask him is happy to cook for them. We as a family are used to offer to each other and not to demand. My husband felt rather upset with me. I just really don't like this attitude of he is not doing from his own initiative, only when he is asked. The same with walking the dog, I need to ask him to take the dog out otherwise the dog's bladder would pop. Also any cleaning duties. We tried to set some rota, as I was fed up, but it just went out of the window very shortly.

I have cut my thumb recently and have stitches in so he has been cooking more as I can't hold anything tight. Yesterday, dinner time, I heard my dad speaking to mum, they will have yoghurts for dinner as my dad feels bad that we work and cook for them all the time. So I stepped in and said we will cook them a meal. That did not suit my husbands plans as he wanted to go for a walk. I started to prepare the dinner with one hand, husband helped a bit and then walked off to his computer. I did the dinner on my own, strained my wound and split the stitches. Fuming inside I asked him if he could take the dog out as it was his time to go. He said he will do later as he is currently busy (not doing anything urgent). That just set me off, I told him in anger he is selfish and I took the dog out. It seems to me he just plays this power game and does everything in his own time, whereas I would do whatever he asked me to straight away, or explain nicely I will do as soon as I can after I finish whatever I have in progress.

As you can imagine, I am the bad guy now for my behaviour. That I cannot speak like an adult and ask him, that I think he is selfish in everything he does. He would not listen to me trying to explain I was targeting the current situation only, out of frustration, not his general behaviour. Now he does not speak to me, I apologised for my anger and frustration and calling him selfish, I told him I appreciate and see everything he does for the family and I was just fed up in that particular situation. He is having none of that and still wouldn't speak to me, says I don't respect him and think he is a horrible selfish person

Where do I go from here?

[bloomie]

Ellie123 - Hi there! 

I am sorry to hear you are struggling with this kind of imbalance in the everyday chores of life. This must be frustrating and disheartening to encounter.

Is this new behavior from your husband? Is there possibly some underlying issue at work here or are these consistent behaviors in the three years you have been married to him? Is this how your husband views your different roles or a cultural difference you need to work through?

In the meantime, can you focus on the things that are important to you and that involve the well being of yourself, your parents or dog and do those things? Can you food prep together with your husband or one of your parents, if they are able, for breakfast and lunch a few days at a time and make big batch dinners that can last a few evenings?

Are your parents able to get a simple breakfast and/or lunch for themselves? Run a dusting cloth over the furniture? Fold and put away clothes?

I guess what I am wondering is if you might have to adjust to thinking from the perspective of what you can and cannot control. You can control what you do or do not do in the household. What you might hire help to do or adjust to looking at how your parents may be able to still contribute in meaningful ways as well.

You don't have to over perform in the relationship with everyone and do it all and end up resentful and hurt, exhausted and disappointed. You know how I know... I have had to learn that lesson. No one was coming to rescue me from doing far more than my fair share, but me.

I had to communicate clearly, calmly and respectfully, prioritize, set healthy limits and boundaries in place, and get comfortable with being uncomfortable when I, for example, no longer did my H's laundry for him. Just one task among many I relinquished. 

What are some reasonable options to lighten your load while you figure out how to find agreement and consistency in the shared responsibilities?

[Ellie123]

Hello Bloomie, thank you for your reply!

Mum has dementia and she doesn't know what is she doing one minute to the other, and dad has high blood pressure and it keeps spiking so feeling dizzy most of the times. A carer comes in for couple of hours every morning to help.

I have respect and feel responsibility for my parents, not because they are my parents but they are vulnerable and fragile pensioners in whose house I stay and who need looking after. Shame, my husband has this respect too but only until is suits him, if he has other plans etc, he won't go out of his way.

My husband was like this shortly since we started living together - not doing house chores, I got used to it but being only 2 of us it did not have impact on anyone else, so now only it started bothering me. If I did't work I wouldn't mind.

I try to have no expectations and just deal with the duties myself but I am just getting the resentment and bitterness built inside. I'm not sure if I am a caretaker or caregiver but it upsets me that my husband does not reciprocate the same, that boils down to my expectations of a fulfilling relationship I suppose! Which is okay, we are not all the same, but if he at least sincerely and kindly could say something like - "sweetheart I am busy right now but as soon as I finish I will be on it" etc. All I get is a cold and blunt "I'm busy right now I will do it later".

[Rebel13]

Hi Ellie! Bloomie has given you some great suggestions to think about. I will add a little bit about my experience, because there have been conflicts about household work/chores etc. in my relationship before. The way that I improved the situation, by a lot, was to accept that I don't have a right to my partner's time and energy or to have everything in the house meet my standards. (I think I got the idea that I did, by being raised by a critical entitled drama queen mom.) I'm not at all saying this is your situation, just that this was part of the problem for me. (Another part of the problem was that my partner took any request to do anything specific, or to do a task differently in general, as a criticism.) I realized that our household would be more peaceful if I did two things:
1.  If I wanted something done, or done a certain way, I did it.
2.  If I wasn't willing to do something, I left it alone.

Over time, this has helped a lot. I think my partner felt less criticized and picked on. It also helped me see what she DOES do, which is a lot, and I didn't always notice it because I was focused on what mattered to me. She also sometimes noticed things that were undone and did them -- just not on my schedule! And since she felt less defensive, it became easier for me to ask for certain things -- "Would you mind putting away your ____?" I could ask more calmly and in a kinder way, and she didn't take the request as a criticism.

I don't know if this fits your situation at all. I know for male-female couples there's often a much bigger imbalance of effort around household chores, which can be really resistant to change. Someone here mentioned recently the "tolerable level of permanent unhappiness" which made the rounds on social media for a while and which I thought was super interesting.  You can read more about that for starters at these two links:

https://www.reddit.com/r/AbuseInterrupted/comments/189wy69/the_tolerable_level_of_permanent_unhappiness_my/?rdt=58751
https://old.reddit.com/r/AskWomenOver30/comments/1573b1m/ladies_lets_cuss_and_discuss_this_one_thing/?share_id=NtU3YbqQ1j2MtghQ8XleC

Like bloomie alluded to, you might have to pare down the list of things you would like to get done -- especially anything you are doing for your husband and/or because he asks or expects you to do it. It's easy to put too much pressure on oneself or have really high expectations, especially if you tend toward perfectionism like I do. Reading the article in the Toolbox section on Boundaries might help with this. You can decide what's important to you and what you are capable of accomplishing, and let some of the other things go. If your husband notices or mentions this, you can say, "I just didn't have the time/energy to do that." I think noticing his responses over a little bit of time will give you important information about him and your relationship.

Wishing you the best! Let us know how things go for you.

[MaxedOut]

I agree with most of what Rebel13 mentions. I had a generally uneven but OK chore situation for the first few years cohabitation with my spouse. But her mental health and physical health got a lot work and I was working fulltime, taking care of most errands/finances/admin stuff, and doing nearly all of the cleaning and cooking while also navigating heavy emotional loads and negative behaviors. It was prime caretaker burnout land. I am a good cook and enjoyed that most of my life but realized I didn't have the bandwidth or desire. We/I figured out alternatives (weekdays being things between yogurt and homemade meals). As Rebel found, it just wasn't a situation where I could/should expect more from my spouse or at least that wasn't the best solution. That may not be the case for you, Ellie, but it does sound like running through expectations and creatively thinking about options that meet needs while reducing your load is needed. I found reading a specific book helpful in thinking more critically about what is good enough/most important: How to Keep House While Drowning: A Gentle Approach to Cleaning and Organizing. Some of the techniques worked well and I stuck with, others just helped my mentality and approach. It's not so much about who does what, but about what really needs to get done when our circumstances change - like  caretaking parents, children, spouses.

[Ellie123]

Thank you guys, I'm gonna look at the resources you mentioned to see how can improve the situation.

Yesterday I asked him what duties/areas of help he could commit to just so I know not to worry about it and he said he will not commit to anything and will help depending on the situation on the day. 

[bloomie]

Thank you guys, I'm gonna look at the resources you mentioned to see how can improve the situation.

Yesterday I asked him what duties/areas of help he could commit to just so I know not to worry about it and he said he will not commit to anything and will help depending on the situation on the day. 

Well... shoot! For your sake, I wish that answer had read differently. 

So, now you know where he is coming from. Does this help shed light on how to adjust and go forward on your side of things?

[Poison Ivy]

Ellie123, I'm wondering whether your husband's behaviors are his way of expressing that he doesn't want to live with your parents and doesn't want to take care of your parents. I think it can be good for people to take care of their parents, but I know that the caregiving often is a big source of stress to the rest of the caregiver's family.