New perspective on the PD parent

mary_poppins · January 31, 2025, 01:50:57 PM

Has anyone here developed a new, more healing perspective on their PD parent? I could not help but hating my mother. Everything she does, who she is, what she has done, everything is unbearable and disgusting to me.
I had had this hate brewing in me for her since I was a teen. I cut her out when i was 35 I think but resume contact in 2020. Even in NC my hate for her remained intact. Actually, I started hating her even more because I was able to access some buried emotions I wasn't aware of-during contact you need to shut down emotionally to cope with your parents so those true, intense emotions like anger, grief, can't surface.
I remember I was so angry that I was willing to travel all the way from where I was living (hundreds of km away from her) to her house and start punching her/hurting her. The anger was out of this world.

I don't like her and never did. She is a very dark, very vulnerable, covert, hidden and vindictive narcissist who has no life and no friends. She has never been anywhere, never learned anything, never accomplished anything. The only accomplishment was for her to survive her massive childhood trauma by traumatizing me and my brothers (is not a success per se but through her eyes, it is). Her dad was the main abuser and i think he scarred her deeply, he was abusive in all ways.

Anyway, I want to hear from others if it's possible to develop a more nuanced perspective on the abuser and drop the internal hate and anger you feel for them. It's exhausting to live daily with this hate and resentment. Please don't make me find anything positive at this person because there is nothing positive out there. How did you process the hate/anger/resentment and let go of 'I hate her/him so much I wish I physically harmed them for the stuff they've put me through'?

If you have advice apart from going NC because that's already on my list. As I said, NC doesn't really help at all with the anger & hurt.

TimetoHeal · February 01, 2025, 12:08:14 PM

Hi, MaryPoppins!

I think it shows a lot of maturity and wisdom to realize that staying in a place of extreme anger and hate is not healthy for you in the long run. I think the emotion of anger is an important step in grieving the parent we have vs. the parent we wished we had. My therapist said that anger is often the last emotion to show up. She's right. In my case, I was so afraid of feeling my own anger and witnessing others' anger, that I didn't let myself feel it for a long time. But certainly, we want to eventually move past that, or it will eat us up inside.

For me, I can't say that I have completely gotten there yet, but I am better than I was. I didn't "do" anything, per se. It came with time. And getting to to a place where my well being was first, and I just didn't really care that much anymore about her or what she thinks (I am so still getting there, so I don't want you to think I have "arrived"!). I have to avoid dwelling too much on the past and how she abused me as a child. That can flare up my anger quite quickly. I find that I go back and forth as well. Sometimes I have compassion for her, that she is a deeply disturbed, stunted person (I'm not sure if she experienced abuse or not. She doesn't talk about her childhood much except to say her father was a "tyrant". She was obviously enmeshed with her own mother, from what I saw growing up, so yeah, probably). It's sad to think a person is completely incapable of being normal and having normal thoughts and relationships. But then, she'll do something in the present time that is so selfish and just makes me so mad, that yeah, I remember who she is and what she is.

I also find that, although it's healthy for me to adopt an "Eh, who cares?" attitude, it is NOT healthy for me to forget who she is and get too comfortable and let my guard down. I have made that mistake umpteen million times and got burned for it. So, I have to continually hold her at arms length, which doesn't feel natural, but these relationships are NOT natural. It sucks. "Eh, who cares? I want to be happy now" is the closest I will ever get to forgiveness. Forgive, but never forget.

I agree with you that "trying to find something good about them" never helped me. I always got mad when therapists or friends would recommend that to me. I guess a combination of compassion over their broken state and an attitude of "I really don't care, because what is important now, for what time I have left on this Earth is my health and happiness" has been the most helpful for me. This last one has come with age, because now that I am in my 50's, I realize I am in the last half or even third of my life, and time is precious.

I hope for you to find some peace and balance too!!

Liketheducks · February 03, 2025, 08:02:38 AM

This is something that I'm exploring myself. I find myself sometimes taking a step back from my guttural reaction to my PD FOO members and seeing the very sad and scared children hiding in those adult bodies. Doesn't make me want to be around them more. But, I can sometimes empathize with the life path they've found themselves on. They still have toxic traits that are hurtful to me and at this stage in my life, I have little patience for that.

Sometimes, it seems that my mom is stuck at a very specific emotional state/age. Like she has the emotional maturity of a young person trapped in an older woman's body.

TimetoHeal · February 03, 2025, 01:40:40 PM

That is very insightful. It is like they have arrested development at a very young age.

I think you can have empathy and even sympathy for them and still not want to be around them because of how they make you feel. This is a weird place to be. I don't know if it's society's programming, that if you can empathize with someone, you have to totally forgive them and give them a second chance? Or we have to make them out to be "monsters" in order to justify going NC? I haven't figured out how much is our dysfunctional programming from our FOO and how much is messages from society, but I think it's some of both. A long worded way to say, forgiveness, or even acceptance, does not necessarily mean being in relationship with someone again.

SpiritedChange · February 03, 2025, 09:42:37 PM

NC is just a self-protective measure that can allow you to begin the healing journey -- it's not healing in and of itself.

For me, what was key was understanding that I am a separate person from my mother and am not an extension of her. When I started internalizing that my anger at her began to diminish. Now I just look at her toxic behavior as pathetic.

According the book, Children of the Self-Absorbed, having a narcissistic parent results in incomplete separation and individuation. Working on developing psychological boundaries is required in order to complete this process, which can be done via self-help or with the help of a competent therapist.

Liketheducks · February 04, 2025, 08:18:48 AM

Spirited change....you're so right. I don't think I would be able to see my toxic FOO members or interact at all, except that I had a period of NC. That time away gave me the insight to know that I don't HAVE to choose to be around people who harm me - intentional or not. It took obligation out of the narrative. It also turned me from GC to SG overnight, with the entire family. The vitriol spread over the family also gave me the space to realize my part in our relationships...not in a self-condemning way, but I was able to come to the realization that the condemnation of me was more to do with the fact that I didn't succumb to the manipulation. I didn't do what was wanted or expected of me.
My interactions with FOO have become much more strategic. I still feel the "ick" in my body, but have become much more direct, and I'd like to think emotionally mature, in the way I communicate with them. It is a weird and strange place to be.

mary_poppins · February 10, 2025, 04:27:34 AM

Quote from: SpiritedChange on February 03, 2025, 09:42:37 PMNC is just a self-protective measure that can allow you to begin the healing journey -- it's not healing in and of itself.

For me, what was key was understanding that I am a separate person from my mother and am not an extension of her. When I started internalizing that my anger at her began to diminish. Now I just look at her toxic behavior as pathetic.

According the book, Children of the Self-Absorbed, having a narcissistic parent results in incomplete separation and individuation. Working on developing psychological boundaries is required in order to complete this process, which can be done via self-help or with the help of a competent therapist.

I'm glad that your anger started to diminish. I guess it takes time for these feelings to dissipate..

mary_poppins · February 10, 2025, 04:29:02 AM

Quote from: TimetoHeal on February 01, 2025, 12:08:14 PMHi, MaryPoppins!

I think it shows a lot of maturity and wisdom to realize that staying in a place of extreme anger and hate is not healthy for you in the long run. I think the emotion of anger is an important step in grieving the parent we have vs. the parent we wished we had. My therapist said that anger is often the last emotion to show up. She's right. In my case, I was so afraid of feeling my own anger and witnessing others' anger, that I didn't let myself feel it for a long time. But certainly, we want to eventually move past that, or it will eat us up inside.

For me, I can't say that I have completely gotten there yet, but I am better than I was. I didn't "do" anything, per se. It came with time. And getting to to a place where my well being was first, and I just didn't really care that much anymore about her or what she thinks (I am so still getting there, so I don't want you to think I have "arrived"!). I have to avoid dwelling too much on the past and how she abused me as a child. That can flare up my anger quite quickly. I find that I go back and forth as well. Sometimes I have compassion for her, that she is a deeply disturbed, stunted person (I'm not sure if she experienced abuse or not. She doesn't talk about her childhood much except to say her father was a "tyrant". She was obviously enmeshed with her own mother, from what I saw growing up, so yeah, probably). It's sad to think a person is completely incapable of being normal and having normal thoughts and relationships. But then, she'll do something in the present time that is so selfish and just makes me so mad, that yeah, I remember who she is and what she is.

I also find that, although it's healthy for me to adopt an "Eh, who cares?" attitude, it is NOT healthy for me to forget who she is and get too comfortable and let my guard down. I have made that mistake umpteen million times and got burned for it. So, I have to continually hold her at arms length, which doesn't feel natural, but these relationships are NOT natural. It sucks. "Eh, who cares? I want to be happy now" is the closest I will ever get to forgiveness. Forgive, but never forget.

I agree with you that "trying to find something good about them" never helped me. I always got mad when therapists or friends would recommend that to me. I guess a combination of compassion over their broken state and an attitude of "I really don't care, because what is important now, for what time I have left on this Earth is my health and happiness" has been the most helpful for me. This last one has come with age, because now that I am in my 50's, I realize I am in the last half or even third of my life, and time is precious.

I hope for you to find some peace and balance too!!

I love your insight, I wanna get to that feeling of 'Eh, who cares' as well. Thank you.

mary_poppins · February 10, 2025, 04:32:53 AM

Thanks, everyone for your replies. This topic is a lot for me, I will need to process your answers. Anger is such a strong and sometimes scary emotion that I often avoid feeling it. Grief is less scary-although a strong emotion, as well. So I'm good at grieving but at processing anger-not so much.