Her BPD and my anxiety

[JacqueE21]

Hi everybody. I'm new to this community and out of my comfort zone speaking about any of these issues but I need some support or at least an empathetic ear.

My wife was diagnosed with BPD and CPTSD last year. She suffered awful physical and mental abuse from her mother who has been no contact for five years. Her mental health has always been a struggle for us, only exacerbated by having kids and really ramped up dealing with isolation during covid.

I have my own issues with depression and severe anxiety (hence being mildly terrified about posting here). Our disorders line up in a way that leads to her being exasperated with me because I'm unable to communicate effectively. Dealing with her heightened emotions sends me into a spiral and I usually have a panic attack when we argue. I've been on meds for anxiety for years and they have helped me in other aspects of my life (social anxiety used to be crippling).
When she was diagnosed, I did not properly do my research in how to live with and support someone with BPD. I took for granted how this was affecting her. She is resentful of that, and I think rightfully so. I've begun reading about BPD and how to repair our relationship, but there's a long way to go. 

Im feeling paralyzed about how to move forward. Our latest blowup was the worst one yet and she has shut herself off from me because there is nothing I can do. Does anyone have experience with balancing their own mental issues with their partner's BPD?

[Rebel13]

Hi JacqueE,

My experience with disordered behavior isn't with a partner, rather a parent. However, from what you write, I'm wondering if there isn't a bit much focus for you on what you can do to support your wife, and what focus, if any, there is on what your wife can do to support you, with the depression and severe anxiety you acknowledge you have?

Here are a few resources your post made me think of. I hope they are helpful to you, and I look forward to hearing more about your journey as things unfold for you.

The 51% Rule
The 50% Rule
My Stuff/Your Stuff

[JacqueE21]

Thank you for the resources. I'll dive into them when I can.

Her mental illness is much more severe and acute than mine, especially given my gradual progress and her recent diagnoses, which at times seem worse since she has had to dive into so much pain from her past.

A lifetime of depression and anxiety (coupled with past substance abuse) left me very good at masking my issues. It's taken a long time of sobriety and therapy to either not mask and be honest or to incorporate those old masks into my personality so it's not "faking" any more. Anxieties still persist but I'm better about confronting them and expressing how I'm feeling.
It's especially been difficult with my wife since she is the closest person to me. It's not easy to hide parts of yourself when you're around them all the time. I've made progress over the years as I've gotten over some of my anxiety issues. Unfortunately in the middle of her raging episodes (justified or not), there's no hiding. I'm back in my worst anxiety. It's the only time I have panic attacks anymore.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Welcome, Jacques.  Thanks for finding the courage to post this; it helps all of us when people post.  As Rebel mentioned, reading through the toolbox and beginning to implement it has been very helpful for so many of us!

I have a BPD ex.  I was committed to healing our relationship, and him, by being a fountain of love, understanding, patience, validation, forgiveness, support - anything he needed.  (As I was increasingly losing sight of my own needs.) 

It's been some years ago so I've forgotten a lot of specifics.  I remember hearing about validating their feelings even if they're coming from a distortion (something they think happened that never did). That never seemed to help him at all.  I went to more than one couple's counselor with him and did pretty much everything they suggested (though I was the only one doing that and he'd get angry and quit). 

Couple's counselors said he needed very intensive personal therapy which he wasn't interested in at all. (Though that's not the case with all BPD's.) Actually intensive therapy for the BPD by someone who's familiar working with PD's, which the BPD must be fully engaged in, is the only thing I've heard of that can make any difference at all.  Certainly knocking myself out as a partner for years on end did not make a dent.  Maybe someone else has a different experience.

I had already discovered in a previous relationship that I didn't need to stand and listen to someone rage at me.  So I would always leave or hang up the phone as soon as that would start.  Removing myself when he started raging helped me.  I don't believe a BPD, or any PD, benefits from having someone available to use as an emotional punching bag, though they surely think so.

Paradoxically, learning how to help ourselves and our relationship usually means learning how to detach, set boundaries, unhook from the PD's attempts to make us feel responsible for their problems and feel obligated to fix them, and begin focusing on and healing ourselves.  A book I, and many others here, have found helpful is "Stop Caretaking the BPD/NPD."   It gives a lot of information about BPD and also how we get trapped into making things worse by enabling.   Good luck and keep us posted!

[notrightinthehead]

 

[zad7242]

Welcome, JacqueE21,

I can relate to a lot of what you said. My anxiety, especially while I am experiencing one my uBPDw's rages, is very visible to her and I get called on it, but she won't look at her contribution to my anxiety. I got into a bad habit of lying to avoid her triggers and my wife carries enormous resentment towards me. Goes to show these skills in our toolbox actually benefit our partners in the long run not just us. They may not change because of it, but I'm trying to actually relate to her with more consideration for what she is experiencing. NoJADE has been especially helpful for me in de-escalating conflicts.

Not sure if you experience the same thing, but my wife uses my anxiety and mild ADHD to assert that our problems are due to my mental illness- she sees her BPD as minor compared to my anxiety. She wants me to work more on my own issues, which I understand, but doesn't see how I can't really work on ADHD skills while in the chaos of coping with her BPD. Bottom line is I relate and have found this forum very helpful over the last few months. I'm hope you do too!

[square]

Welcome, Jacque.

I think a lot of us can relate to your desire to help your wife with her BPD and CPTSD. I have no doubt things are not easy for your wife, with her background and trauma.

In a good marriage, we want to support each other with such difficulties. But it sounds like you are facing an extreme inbalance, where you not only are expected to do the only supporting, but that you are expected to take on the burdens of being treated poorly. And it sounds like your tank is running dry as you try to soothe your wife and also soothe yourself of the wounds inflicted by your wife.

You are deserving of being treated with kindness and consideration by your wife, just as you try to do the same for her.

Her terrible childhood does not give her license to unload on you.

Her mental illness does not give her a free pass to treat you poorly any more than your anxiety would give you such a pass.

I would be curious to know if she would say that she would like to make any changes of her own in an attempt to work on the marriage, or if she would say outright that she needs to make no changes at all, only you.

Many, many people have tried to be unlimited repositories of patience and understanding and kindness and support to people with BPD, but have found it to be a case of a black hole.

We are a group of people who strongly value empathy and kindness and support. For some people we learn to balance our empathy and support for them with empathy and support for ourselves. We do not advocate fighting fire with fire but making balanced and mature choices.

You can treat your wife kindly without cutting off your own fingers, hands, limbs, or setting yourself on fire. You can't change her, but you can make choices about how you will behave and what you will accept.

You can't make her stop being angry with you, but you can stop engaging with it.