Want to get photos of myself as a kid from my abusive family after NC but afraid

[BrightMoon]

I want to get photos of myself as a kid from my abusive family-I've none & am trying to connect with my lost youth to process abuse. But needing these from them after VLC puts me at risk of more emotional abuse.   

I post here as I could use any advice, virtual hugs, thoughts, or good luck messages

Some detail: A different relative passed a few years back and the speed with which those vultures went and took all his possessions before they even told me meant I couldnt even get one single keepsake or photo, making me realise I need to get these photos, of myself, while I can. Further, one of my two abusive parents has recently developed dementia, and I don't know how hard it's going to be to process this emotionally when seeing them, or to deal with them. Both my parents, and both my siblings, severely emotionally abused and manipulated me, and phsycially abused me, gaslit me, and more, from the day I was born, until I cut them off as an adult, after I had tried countless things to try to build bridges and put boundaries in place.   


Nothing worked. All I got was more abuse. And as I grew older I gradually realised I deserved better, and that the level of abuse was far worse than I at first realised. So I had to eventually go no/very, very low contact.   

As a result of all this: 
I'm scared of what I'll find regarding the dementia deteriation when I contact them soon.   
I'm scared of what I'll be faced with regarding seeing them having aged more. 
I'm scared (terrified) to be in same room with them, but for practical reasons will have to be. 
I'm petrified to be in the 'home' they live in and deal with the once familiar senses, eg smells, etc. 

I'm scared at the thought of even making the phone call to arrange this. 
I'm scared they will try to manipulate me using my need so instead of getting this done in one day, quick and easy, they try to string me along, manipulate me, tell me they will sort it out over weeks or something. 
 
I've been rehearsing what I might say, but I'm scared I will forget or be too scared to think clearly-I have felt very groggy and my mind has felt foggy lately, maybe due to the stress at the thought of it. 

Lastly, I'm scared of after I attempt this and a delayed emotional impact, as I've noticed I tend to get hit by big emotions after events have happened. 
 
Sorry to go on so long-but I could really use any support, or encouraging words, or just virtual hugs or good luck messages. I'm also interested in any advice, or any thoughts on the matter too. 
 
Thanks.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hi, BrightMoon. I'm happy to offer you virtual hugs. That sounds all so incredibly overwhelming and stressful to face going back into the dragon's den.

I have to ask: Do you have to do it? How necessary is it to get these photos? For me, I decided that the cost in emotional impact was just too high to try to get things that would just make me sad anyway. I wouldn't want to display anything from my childhood, like ever. My inner child is with me whether I have photos of her or not.

[Adria]

BrightMoon,

I am wondering the same questions as Cordelia.  Is it an emotional decision to get the pictures? If you step back and look at it from a distance, do you still think it is necessary enough to put yourself through all the grief and trauma they will enjoy putting you through? 

My parents are both deceased now, and I never get one picture or trinket.  At first, it stung a little bit, but I got over it. I realize who I am and am happy with that. Nothing from the past with my family can change the person I have become despite them.  Yes, the pictures would have been nice, but not having them won't make or break my life.  It wouldn't have been worth it for me to ask them for anything. They would have enjoyed it too much.

Even if you put yourself out there and ask, they may not give you anything and you could feel even worse. The reason we don't get offered pictures, memorabilia, etc., is because they have decided it would be hurtful to us if we didn't receive anything.  The decision is already probably made. So, if you ask for something, it might possibly be a trap to further your pain by denying you. 

Is it possible that it might be better to find a friend and go out and celebrate you, for who you are and who you are becoming, to try to turn this on its head?  I'd hate to see you hand over your dignity for them to play around with any further. What if it would set you back? Just some thoughts.  Hugs, Adria

[Fiasco]

Schools often keep a collection of old yearbooks in their library or archives. You may be able to see your school pics that way, call them and ask.

[Tribe16]

Do you have to do it? How necessary is it to get these photos?

Bright Moon, this might not get you little kid photos, but if you do a search for yourself on ancestry dot com, very often they have junior high and high school yearbooks (if you are Stateside). Those are usually indexed by name. Might be worth a look to at least find some teenager pics of yourself!

[Catothecat]

I agree with the above comments, BrightMoon.  In the end, is it really worth it for you to go through what you'll have to go through? 

That aside, I had an ancestry account for a number of years and through the DNA feature was able to find relatives I didn't know I had.  Several of them had photos and documents I'd never seen that they shared with me.  They didn't judge my "worthiness" to have them, nor were they participants in my family dysfunction.  They were neutral parties and didn't care.

Another thing I did was wait to ask for stuff until after my father died.  After that, my mom was more willing to part with some things like photos and other objects.  Since she lived alone I was able to visit her without interference from my sister, who seemed to feel she should be the gatekeeper for all family "heirlooms."  I went through the box of pictures and took those that involved me but left the rest.  As I knew would happen, after my mom died my sister claimed all the photos and other documents and they've been in her house ever since.  She claimed she would share photos, make copies etc. but has never done it and likely never will.  So, I was glad to get what I could when I had the chance but first I had to make that chance otherwise I'd have nothing.