New here, not new problems BPD mom

[DonutsForFishFood65]

Hi,

My mom is in her 70's and has unsurprisingly been difficult as far back as I can remember. For years she presented as the waif type but the older she's become, the meaner and more vengeful she's become. Now that I'm in the throes of menopause and exhausted from insomnia she seems to be ramping up her efforts. A few years back she bought a house not far from ours (maybe a 20 min drive) and has probably assumed we're her eventual long term care plan.

What complicates matters is a niece (30's) diagnosed wBPD with NPD and ASPD traits who is a lot like my mom. Relevant to my post my niece with age has become dangerous and we had to go NC with her about five years ago. Niece has also done things to my mom, her grandma (who also went NC), but the severity of things done to us by my niece was jail level dangerous and we did have to have her arrested. My mom is well aware of the situation and well aware her granddaughter is not a safe person.

Anyway, I'm LC with my mom because of recent verbal abuse, embarrassing behavior in public (her alcoholic bf), and after 50+ years of her behavior, I'm tired of it all and mostly tired of her. I'll go weeks without talking to her, which works great for me, until eventually receiving a text that I'm sure is bait, sent only to garner a reaction.

Recently it had been a couple weeks since hearing from my mom and she decided to send me screenshots of a conversation that took place between she and my niece but with missing pieces. My mom knows my niece causes me extreme anxiety as she's proven herself to be dangerous. My mom claims my niece reached out to her but it's clear from the wording of my niece's texts that my mom initiated the interaction. When my mom gets involved with my niece, my niece ultimately takes it out on me. Smear campaigns, harassment, etc.

My mom is very good at twisting things to paint herself blameless and I'm too exhausted most days to even have a conversation about such drama and negativity. If my mom and niece were to both ride off into the sunset never to return, I'd be forever grateful.

But that's my problem, I am super conflict avoidant (hence wishing both of them would ride off) and just an avoider in general, and I'm sure part of that is who I am and part of it is living my life around high conflict relatives.

Whenever I don't cater to my mom, such as not making any contact with her, she pulls a stunt like she has with my niece. She can't just start a conversation like a regular person, she has to have some stunt or drama attached to it. The time before this thing with my niece my mom was literally considering harassing a local cop who didn't bend to her will over a neighbor.  The situation before that was my mom and her bf going out to restaurants and bars and bf gets too drunk to drive and they try to drag us into it.

My niece and mom make me feel backed into a corner. Expressing my anger tends to increase their negative behavior and lends its hand to JADEing on my side, leaving them alone (LC and NC) certainly riles them up, grey rocking works well enough but they never get bored enough to go away long term. My niece recently stayed away for about a year but the holidays prompted another round of email verbal abuse toward me.

I dislike both of these people with every fiber of my being and I'm also in some ways afraid of my niece, given her diagnoses and her history. I would love to be direct with both of them and tell them where to go permanently but their vengeful ways always come back to haunt me.

I feel bullied into silence to avoid their wrath.

[bloomie]

DonutsForFishFood65 - welcome to Out of the FOG. Thank you for giving us a bit of background of the relationships that bring you here. It seems like things have been seriously hard, and threatening even with your niece, for a long time. I am so sorry.

This is a community that gets and who is for YOU! There is a toolbox and other help at the dropdown menus above and resources all over the forum that are gathered here for you.

I dislike both of these people with every fiber of my being and I'm also in some ways afraid of my niece, given her diagnoses and her history. I would love to be direct with both of them and tell them where to go permanently but their vengeful ways always come back to haunt me.

I feel bullied into silence to avoid their wrath.

One of the things I have learned in my own high conflict relationships is that consistency is the most loving and kind thing I can do for myself and others. Consistency in how/if/when I communicate and then consistency in what I do and don't allow into my life via physical interactions and texts/email/social
media, etc.

That is part of the boundary work that we often find we need to do when we get to the point where we simply cannot and do not want to engage with people who are bringing stress and harm to our otherwise lovely life.

We come here to learn how to live out our boundaries and limits and to learn how let go and disengage from the drama and trauma of others.

The thing about your mother's hoovering texts and drunken SOS for rides, is you get to choose how you want to handle those things... if you want to handle those things. 

There is something about sharing in a community of people who get it and who are focused on empowering and supporting us as we find a healthy way forward that is unique and reassuring. You are not alone and we will support you!

Keep coming back! It helps to lighten a heavy load!

[walking on broken glass]

Hi donuts!
I am sorry you are here but hope you will find support.

You are already NC with your niece, so I'd suggest you keep to that, and refuse to have any conversations about anything that concerns her. If she is dangerous, make sure to keep proof of things she has said and done (for instance, redirect her abusive email to a special folder, so that you have everything together but you are not forced to read it), in case you need it later for a court case. Otherwise, act as if she didn't exist.

I understand that you don't want to go NC with your mum, right? In that case, would it help to be VLC and, if she brings up the niece (or anything that you think should not be a topic for discussion), write "I am not going to engage in this conversation", and mute/archive the chat for a while? I am also very non confrontational but I find that it's easier for me to express myself and be assertive in writing. If your mum insists, write something like 'sorry, mum, I won't discuss this and if you insist I will have to block you'. Then block her. Don't take the bait, don't engage in conversation. Remember that they can't make you do anything that you don't want to do anymore. You are an adult and you get to decide.

[TimetoHeal]

Hi donuts!
I am sorry you are here but hope you will find support.

You are already NC with your niece, so I'd suggest you keep to that, and refuse to have any conversations about anything that concerns her. If she is dangerous, make sure to keep proof of things she has said and done (for instance, redirect her abusive email to a special folder, so that you have everything together but you are not forced to read it), in case you need it later for a court case. Otherwise, act as if she didn't exist.

I understand that you don't want to go NC with your mum, right? In that case, would it help to be VLC and, if she brings up the niece (or anything that you think should not be a topic for discussion), write "I am not going to engage in this conversation", and mute/archive the chat for a while? I am also very non confrontational but I find that it's easier for me to express myself and be assertive in writing. If your mum insists, write something like 'sorry, mum, I won't discuss this and if you insist I will have to block you'. Then block her. Don't take the bait, don't engage in conversation. Remember that they can't make you do anything that you don't want to do anymore. You are an adult and you get to decide.

Great advice from WOBG and Bloomie!

Welcome to the "perimenopausal/menopausal women tired of putting up with their uPD moms club"!  The insomnia and anxiety and everything make it so fun, don't they?  I think a combination of what we're going through mentally/physically/emotionally, our parents aging (and we all know the PD does NOT age gracefully) and putting up with this for a lifetime just makes us want to be "done".  I'm like you in that while I would love my uPD mom to ride off into the sunset, that is never going to happen because I am literally all she has left since she has chased off all of her friends, my father passed a long time ago, and my brother has lived a long way away for a long time.  The only way I can have a relationship with my mother is VERY strong boundaries.  And that is far from perfect.  She hates it, and ramps up the passive agressive stuff constantly.  But I just haven't gotten to the point that I can say I am ready to go NC with her.  That may change at some point.  Anyway, the list of "off-limits" topics for our conversations is long.  Definitely your niece belongs on such a list for you. 

You've got this!

P.S,  Love your user name!