PD wife actively undermining son's first choice of colleges

[IsleOfSong]

So the season of university acceptances/rejections is upon us, and my 17-year-old high school senior has heard from all of the universities he applied to. After casting a somewhat wide net geographically, he's decided that he'd really prefer to stay in-state, leaving him with one very solid option and another possibility (he's on the waitlist for a second school).

Naturally, my uNPD wife is doing everything she can to sabotage our son's agency and decision making during this process. She's decided that the school he's most interested in is inferior (it isn't, of course), and she's throwing all kinds of stuff to the wall in the hopes that something will stick and he will not go to the school he's genuinely excited about.

This weekend, the school hosted a reception for new admits and their families, and we went to it. Wife had a scowl on her face the entire time. While we waited in line to get into the venue, we saw several families we knew from our town, including one family whose son is on the spectrum. "They admitted him?" my wife grumbled to us. "He's autistic." Son countered that another kid he knows is autistic and got into a good school that our son was rejected from. He is annoyed and angry, as am I at this point.

During the reception, we are standing shoulder to shoulder with the crowd while the admissions team makes a presentation on the campus and all the good things they have to offer. Wife is still clearly miserable, and my son looks to his right and catches her texting a friend, writing "I'm a terrible mom because I'm not excited about [our son] going to this school." He tells me this privately. I am fuming. He eventually leaves the reception a bit early to go to his job, but he texts me privately again a bit later to say he's crying, he can't take it, maybe he should just not go to college, etc. I give him my very best pep talk, and he pulls himself together.

But later that day, I have it out with my wife. I tell her that she needs to get her shit together and at least pretend to be supportive. I tell her how all he wants is his mother's approval. I also tell her (with my son's full permission) how he's been texting and talking to me about the negative, nasty energy he feels coming from her. I tell her that I don't want her to come on the campus tour we have scheduled later this week if she's going to piss in his pool. She is so scared and cowed, she literally turns her back to me. I also pulled her own mother in for the confrontation, who took my side over her toxic daughter's, and my MIL backed up my account of my son's abject misery at the hands of his mother. (He tells her everything, too.)

Since then, my wife has made some overtures of apology to our son, though I don't know what's been said. Maybe the dressing-down will be enough to keep her in line for a while, maybe not. I have no hopes of anything sticking short- or long-term at this point. Apparently he told her about the text he saw her write, and I'm so glad that he did. She needs her nose rubbed in this.

I did not mention the text, only because I didn't know if he wanted me to mention it. But I am likely to bring it up, as she still seems empowered to crap on the school privately to me, which I have told her I'm not interested in being a part of. She's still saying the school has an anti-semitism problem (we're Jewish) and she mentioned the school's acceptance rate of 60%, suggesting that the school isn't all that choosy. She literally cannot help herself. She is broken.

I guess I'm not really seeking advice, as I am fully aware how screwed up this all is. I am focusing my energy on building up my son and backing his choice, and I flat-out told him that he can't squander this chance to get away from our house and build himself a life of his own, breaking free of the push-pull and the conditional support he gets intermittently from his mother. I told him, "You don't want to be 50 years old, looking back on opportunities you missed out on because your mother didn't hug you enough." As he's gotten older, I've become increasingly frank with him. Probably more of that to come, too.

OK, venting done for now. As long as she's his mother, unfortunately there will likely be more of this in his future.

[notrightinthehead]

Are you convinced that all her objections are unjustified or is there some doubt? Just because someone has a PD doesn't mean they are always wrong. Are you going about this in a rational intelligent way?
 I chose my own university for convenience and because I liked it, but it defintely was not the best fit for me. In fact, I often wished later that someone would have advised me differently.
I would have a good talk with my son, weigh the reasons for his choice and try to give the best advice I can. Once this is out of the way and the decision made, he should just close his eyes and ears and go through with it. This is a good moment for him to learn that he cannot control what his mother thinks, says, feels, or  does. And he is responsible for his own choices as he will bear the consequences.

[bloomie]

IsleOfSong - the atmosphere and posture of disapproval you describe around your wife about all of this sounds like a giant wet blanket, to put it mildly.

I was thinking of what it would've meant to me to have one parent in my corner like you are for your son. It would've made all the difference to have someone champion me and offer me strategies and coping methods for my own mother. Well done.

I am looking forward to hearing an update in the coming months of how your son is doing. Getting free and having space around him is going to be such an important part of him healing and building the life he wants for himself. Time and distance are wonderful things in situations like this.

[IsleOfSong]

Are you convinced that all her objections are unjustified or is there some doubt? Just because someone has a PD doesn't mean they are always wrong. Are you going about this in a rational intelligent way?

Yes, I am sure. The school he's interested in is a very good one — in fact, it's part of a university system I've proudly worked for for nearly two decades. I mean, a stopped clock is right twice a day, so my wife's reasons could have a shred of merit — but they are selective reasons. If she's concerned about anti-semitism, that would mean that a lot of other (more prestigious) universities would have been off the table for her, and yet they weren't. Her nastiness is clearly about power and control over our son, not so much his best interests. A better approach would be something that's measured — and one that ultimately respects his agency to make a choice that feels right for HIM. We know narcs can't cede that power very comfortably.

I am looking forward to hearing an update in the coming months of how your son is doing. Getting free and having space around him is going to be such an important part of him healing and building the life he wants for himself. Time and distance are wonderful things in situations like this.

Thanks, bloomie. Yes, I keep saying how in a few months' time, his world will be completely different. The commitments he made when he was younger — piano lessons he's now lost interest in, Sunday school activities that have become rote and meaningless to him — will be gone, replaced by all sorts of ways to build his own life. I'm so excited for him, and I tell him that every chance I get. :-)

[square]

Your son is stronger than I am. I don't think I could have held up against that at all.

Is he aware that whatever is driving his mother has nothing to do with what she is saying? That it's not logic but weaponry for whatever motivation she has, which is about her best interests and not his? I realize I am phrasing it more strongly than I would express it to him, but just saying it straight out to you.

[IsleOfSong]

Your son is stronger than I am. I don't think I could have held up against that at all.

It's a mighty struggle at times, with a strong undercurrent of hopelessness. The Zoloft helps. So does therapy. As does his group of friends, who know what he's dealing with at home. I can only hope that my increasing frankness with him is doing good. I keep checking with him on that, and he seems to respond well when I confirm his feelings and push back on his mother's behavior. I feel strongly that I'm not throwing her under the bus — through her behavior and choices, she's put herself down there voluntarily.

Is he aware that whatever is driving his mother has nothing to do with what she is saying? That it's not logic but weaponry for whatever motivation she has, which is about her best interests and not his? I realize I am phrasing it more strongly than I would express it to him, but just saying it straight out to you.

Yes, I'm doing my best in communicating that it's basically about her need for control. As we all know here, it's disorienting to have someone who "loves" you pulling this kind of power stuff on you — and intermittently, keeping you off-balance so that the "good times" feel that much happier and the trauma bond only strengthens. Hard stuff for anyone to endure, let alone a kid with a developing brain and sense of self.

I'll keep doing everything I can to support him and love him unconditionally, and I'll be praying for the day he gets dropped off at his dorm and can start building and healing (fingers crossed). I'll miss him too, of course. :-)

[square]

I'm glad to hear he has peer support as well as yours. My DD has given and received support regarding difficult family situations and I know it's invaluable. She and her friends seem to have a good grasp on what's not normal and they can add perspectives that balance what they hear from parents.

I think of when I was a teen, I don't know if my experience was typical or not, but I didn't hear a lot of talk about family stuff. My parents were reasonably functional but I knew some kuds were having a hard time, but there wasn't a lot of talk.

Smartphones are a big difference. A kid can get yelled at by a parent and then text their friends in private while still upset and get support. In my time, no way was anybody going to use the house phone to call their friends to share an upsetting situation. And when they saw their friends later? They didn't want to bring it up by then, they'd calmed down and didn't want to unpack it, unless there was a need to solve a big problem like maybe getting kicked out.

Anyway, it's good that your son has friends who probably get it at least somewhat.

[blunk]

The school he's interested in is a very good one — in fact, it's part of a university system I've proudly worked for for nearly two decades.

I had a thought when I read this. I may be way off base, and if I am, please disregard. But considering the PD tendency towards black or white thinking...Is it possible that your wife sees your son's potential choice to attend this university (to which you have a personal connection) as him aligning himself with you, and therefore against her?

I am not at all saying this is true, just hypothesizing that she may see it that way.

[IsleOfSong]

Is it possible that your wife sees your son's potential choice to attend this university (to which you have a personal connection) as him aligning himself with you, and therefore against her?

I am not at all saying this is true, just hypothesizing that she may see it that way.

A very reasonable assumption, but in this case, not really. He is waitlisted at another school in the university system I work for, and that school would be preferable to her (it's somewhat more prestigious and has a lower admission rate). You know how it is. 

[IsleOfSong]

Smartphones are a big difference. A kid can get yelled at by a parent and then text their friends in private while still upset and get support.

Agreed. One of the pluses of our kids always being on them! Support is never far away!