Narcissistic/ PD mother wants contact with grandchildren

[ElementsofLife]

Hi,
First post here. Mother all traits of PD and narcissist. Only just starting to see this clearly since having my own children. Seeing how she acts with them and it triggers me.
Long story- recent interaction with Mother which was very negative and my children witnessed this. Have had no contact since.
Almost 2 months later have got a message from her stating she misses and loves the grandkids and wants to see them. With no apology to me, no comment of how she loves or misses me. It stings! But also not surprised.
Still very unsure if I should go completely no contact, if I should let her see my kids. What I should reply to her message?
Any advice welcome please

[Rebel13]

Hi ElementsofLife!  My mom has behaved in very dramatic, self-absorbed, and narcissistic ways throughout my life, also. I'm not a parent, though, so I haven't had to navigate this difficult situation you are going through. I can imagine you are torn in many directions -- wanting to protect your kids from what you went through, but also maybe wanting them to have a grandmother?

Initiating no contact is a really personal decision, and in my experience, it can take a long time to get there. I was in my early 50s when I made the final break almost two years ago now -- with the caveat that I had broken off communication for long periods a few times before, and was very low contact with her for many years before that. Others here have found their way to no contact sooner, sometimes temporarily, sometimes permanently. It really depends on your situation, your wants and needs, and that of your family.

How are you feeling about it? What would you like to do? What would work best for you, if you didn't have to consider anyone else? (Not saying that's what you ought to do, just that sometimes it's good to know the answer to that question for ourselves, and there are lots of forces in play that can keep us from even considering the question in a real way.)

If you haven't yet, check out the Toolbox tab of the site. There are lots of helpful articles there. In particular, the What To Do section explains lots of different strategies that people can use to protect themselves and their children from abuse. There's also a good article about no contact that might help you decide if that's the right path for you, and some additional considerations.

I know there are some other threads here in the forum where people have shared about protecting their children from a disordered grandparent, so check that out too when you have the time.

Best of luck to you.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Ooooof been there. How would you address this if it were anybody but your mother? You would probably first address the blowup and the issue that led to it, so you could be certain that such a performance would not be repeated in front of your children. Perhaps meet without the kids to do just that. You can test the waters on how your mother is able to repair or not, and if she can be trusted enough to manage a relationship with the grandchildren in a very measured and cautious way.

If you are just figuring out your mother and changing the rules of engagement you've had your entire life with her, you may never have set the necessary boundaries to interact as an equal adult with her. Some narcissistic parents can be managed with very good boundaries and rocking the heck out of that toolbox Rebel referred to. Others will go scorched earth at the slightest assertion of your autonomy and there's nothing for it but NC. Their responses to your changed behavior will tell you what you need to know. Having the wellbeing of my children as my guiding star through all of the fallout of addressing my own "last straw" made it possible to stay grounded and do what felt so terrifying but I knew was right.

Spoiler alert: My parents were 100% the scorched earth type. A timeout meant to be for a few weeks or so is now seven years and counting, so long as I have minor children. I do hope your mother is not that way, but whatever happens this is a great place to process all of these things. You are certainly in good company here.

[bloomie]

ElementsofLife - welcome to Out of the FOG!

Almost 2 months later have got a message from her stating she misses and loves the grandkids and wants to see them. With no apology to me, no comment of how she loves or misses me. It stings! But also not surprised.

This hurts my heart for you! I am so very sorry.

One of the things that has been said often around the forum boards is: 'not safe for me, not safe for my kids.' Your mother's attempt to have contact with your children without cleaning up her mess with you, her daughter, would not be workable for me. 

How another person responds to us removing ourselves from harm and disrespect is important to pay attention to as part of making decisions about contact going forward. Contact with you and your beautiful family is a privilege, not a right. For anyone. Even mother's and grandmothers.

Perhaps meet without the kids to do just that. You can test the waters on how your mother is able to repair or not, and if she can be trusted enough to manage a relationship with the grandchildren in a very measured and cautious way.

I agree wholeheartedly with this suggestion. 

In the meantime, keep coming back and sharing! Take time and read through the resources gathered for you all over the forum - toolbox, book recommendations, other online resources. Just soak up the support and insights from this amazing community.

There may some implied urgency in your mother's message or even in your emotional response to your mother's message, but there is no urgency. You have as much time as you need to figure out what your next best step will be. And we are here to cheer you on and support you as you find your way!