My triggers and my mom

[Dinah-sore]

I first want to apologize for my weird behavior. I often come to post in my crisis, but then I think posting about it triggers me. I feel so much guilt, it makes it hard for me to respond to comments lately. But I do read them and appreciate them. I don't think I knew why I was doing that. But it really is a paralyzing feeling. I am going to do better this time.

My mom has been talking about her death a lot. When we fight she will instead of apologize for raging at me, tell me she is dying, that the dr says her labs or bad. It is always a false alarm, timed right fate a bad fight. She does have bad health.

But yesterday she threatened to use a weapon on herself, then said "happy easter" in rage and hung up on me.

I had mentioned to her that my dd has been rude to me, it wasn't that bad it just hurt my feelings (but teenagers?) and my BPDm starting saying the meanest stuff about my dd, her character, who she is as a person, I told her she went too far and I didn't feel comfortable with her talking like that.

Then she said that is my problem, that is why dd is like this, I don't "lay into" dd like she would. I need "balls" etc.

She was getting me very upset I told her, I told her I was overwhelmed, she was causing a panic attack, and I was feeling a trauma response that made me feel how I feel when I used to self harm, I said, I am not trying to manipulate you, I am not going to hurt myself, but I can't keep hearing these things because it is pushing me way beyond my emotional capacity. This is when she threatened to use a weapon on herself in a 988 way. And hung up on me.

I didn't raise my voice. I didn't insult her or be any kind of rude back. When she would make accusations I would ask questions to see if she was correct. I was trying so hard to see her side, while also knowing she is going too far and being horrible.

It hurts.

It seems more often than not our interactions are going this way, super toxic. But she acts like I am the reason. Like I have changed, gone off the deep end, wandered from God, etc. she constantly insults my intelligence and morality. But she rages so bad and I never rub her nose in it.

Is this sin? How she acts? I mean, she acts like it is justified, like she has to be this way because that is how she gets us in line, etc. she is "helping."

But if she is religious, in her way, why doesn't she see her behavior as sinful? But she sees my DD being rude yesterday as a condemnation of her entire character? That feels hypocritical.

I promise I will read your comments. Any thoughts you have will help me. Honestly I will read them several times, again and again. I promise to respond. I will make a point to overcome my feeling of guilt.

Yesterday after we got off the phone, I was alone, and I threw my phone. I was so upset. Then I hid it in my underwear drawer for the rest of the day so I could be happy with my kids and husband. She had spam texted me long novels about how i should parent more like her, then later she spam texted me that I am an amazing parent—And my dd needs to know that. It was like one tactic didn't work so she went the other way, it felt like manipulative flattery.

I didn't read it all, I just skimmed to get the gist. And I didn't respond to any of it, just texted her "I love you" before she went to bed so she wouldn't be too upset to sleep.  But dang, it has been the last three holidays my mom has raged and ruined it.

Not looking forward to Mother's Day.

She didn't even apologize.

She is acting a bit today like I am hurting her. She was sad and quiet, not remorse, it feels like she wants me to apologize.


She is also upset that I keep telling her I can't handle the anxiety when she is being like this. Like this scenario is about her walking on eggshells because I get too upset when she isn't done yelling yet. Like me not wanting to keep listening is the problem. Years ago, it was different, I didn't know to stop it and get off the phone so I would endure it. She doesn't like that I am limiting it, or saying it is causing me too much anxiety. So I. Some ways I am setting more boundaries.

[walking on broken glass]

Hi Dinah!
You have nothing to apologise for! Please don't think of us here as people you need to please or appease. We are here to support you and we get what you are going through.

I would give you the advice I have been trying to follow for myself: try not to give your mum any details about your personal life. Keep the conversation breezy and casual. If she says something that makes you upset, don't try to talk to her about that and expect her to own her behaviour and apologise. You know she won't do that but she will instead escalate. If she starts with the emotional blackmail or if she is belligerent, take a deep breath, keep your voice steady and say 'I can see you are upset but I have to go'. You did well not to read her string of messages. Take some distance, take a breath. There is no rush to get in touch with her. There is nothing to fix.

Of course your mum won't like you limiting contact but that's beside the point. She already doesn't like how you interact with her because - guess what - no matter what you do, it won't be good enough for her. Maybe this knowledge is a little bit liberating? Like, there is no way to get it right, so you might as well look after yourself instead of thinking of your mum and her anxiety?

[Rebel13]

She already doesn't like how you interact with her because - guess what - no matter what you do, it won't be good enough for her. Maybe this knowledge is a little bit liberating? Like, there is no way to get it right, so you might as well look after yourself instead of thinking of your mum and her anxiety?

[square]

Hey Dinah,

I agree with Walking on Broken Glass.

I don't think you need to spend your precious emotional energy changing how you respond here. We don't need you to reply.

WOBG makes a good point about considering reducing what you share with your mom. Unfortunately, she is not a source of support for you. She'll be viewing what you say with a distorted lens, and she will center herself. You should be able to get that support, but you can't count on it.

I had to learn to stop sharing stuff with my husband. I learned I was on my own. Sometimes I would need to let him know of something practical but I had to remember that emotional support was no longer on the table. It took me time to get used to not sharing but I did.

He did notice and sometimes picked at me to share more, but I just kept it light. "Everything's been fine." "Not much new going on, how about you?" "Oh, that problem has been fine, no big deal."

There were two or three safe subjects, none of them personal to me, such as gossip about somebody he knows, certain news topics, and maybe the weather if it was not both local and bad.

The other thing is you telling your mom how things are affecting you.

I think the fact that you have started doing that is a great sign of strength and awareness. I think it's very mature and balanced of you to recognize what is happening and calmly and straightforwardly communicating that to your mother.

The thing is, she can't hear it.

The problem is not that your mother doesn't understand how much her behavior is hurting you. The problem is that it's not a priority to her.

If she feels moved to lash out at you, she will do so at any cost to you. In fact, she may even feel validated that her behavior is "working" - feeling that if she upsets you enough she may get you "back in line."

Instead, consider telling YOURSELF "I am feeling overwhelmed," "I am feeling triggered," and then use that realization to do something you have previously decided to do in such situations.


You'll be too upset to decide what to do when you are in fight-or-flight. So come up with some options in a calmer time. Maybe even write them down.

For example, you might say "Mom, this isn't going well. I'll call you back when things calm down." And give yourself permission to end the call immediately, because she won't say "oh, okay honey, I'll talk to you later."

You can also set your phone to mute her calls and texts in those situations. On an iPhone you can make this a "focus" so you can turn it on and off easily. I'm sure Android has a similar feature.

Maybe it works to let her send all these horroble messages and you just ignore or VERY lightly skim them when you've somewhat recovered, and then you initiate whatever reapproachment works for you. If you texting "I love you" when you're ready works for you, and if she plays the "fine, it's over and we'll pretend it never happened" game, you might in time come to see it as a time out for her and not quite as emotionally devestating to you.