Household

[Blurredblossom]

My PD husband is too enlighted to do any cleaning in the house. For a very long time I did not see this but believed all the made up excuses he told me (" I didn't have time yet", "I didn't see it", ...). And I have to admit, sometimes it is not that easy to see... like the thing with the toilet paper. Every time there is only very few sheets left on the toilet paper roll, he goes gets a new roll, uses this new roll but never uses the sheets on the almost empty roll up and throws the old roll away. He employs this tactic also on almost empty cookie/cheese whatsoever packages (" there's still one cookie so I left the package on the table") or after a Sunday afternoon coffee (" there's only one cupcake left on the tray so I left that tray on the table in case anyone would like to eat it").
For some time now he at least will keep his part ok but sees no reason why he should clean sth we both use. For instance, he will vacuum clean his homeoffice but will not see the need to vacuum clean the floor in the hallway or he will put the newspaper neatly on his side of the table but will not see the need to wipe the table clean after eating.
The other day he unloaded the dishwasher and reorganized the cups in the cupboard so that it fit best his needs but left  mine completely aside plus after the rearrangement only have the number of cups fit in the shelf. I asked well mannered why he rearranged the shelf and he sneered" you always have so many rules, why, what are these stupid rules good for?"
I did not reply.
This sort of starts driving me crazy. Since I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis last year and really need a hand with the house. At the same time I don't think my H will be a real help or even change because of this.
At the moment I have not enough energy for arguing with him on the other hand I have not enough energy for letting things continue unchanged.

[Rebel13]

Hi Blossom, do you have the means to get outside help? Or a friend or family member who would be willing to help you with housework and organizing? If possible, sometimes that's a helpful release valve to take some of the pressure off. Of course, sometimes it's just another thing to be criticized or complained about.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome Blossom! What you described made me feel irritated on your behalf. The behviour you described is so passive aggressive! And then the reproach that you have so many rules! So you are at fault!  Please head over to the Toolbox tab and study it. I would not attempt to discuss anything with him. Or clarify things. And I totally advise against trying to change him!  That is defintely an attempt that will set you up for failure.
You best choice will be, to accept that this is how he chooses to behave towards you. He shows you who he is. And that there probably will no help come from his side. So you will need to make your own plans and make sure that you will be ok. What is ok for him, is ok for you too. He shows you that he will arrange things according to his preference. The same rule applies to you too.
Learn from the Toolbox about boundaries, medium chill, grey rock and non JADE. And build yourself a support system of friends and trustworthy people. You will need it.

[Cascade]

He sounds a bit like my husband. My husband won't use the last few sheets on a roll of TP or use the last bit of toothpaste, or eat the last few bits of some foods. I hope you find someone to help you around the house.

[Blurredblossom]

Hello Rebel, Notrightinthehead and Cascade,
thank you so much for the warm welcome and support. I appreciate your answers very much. I have been thinking a lot these past days and started some first changes.

Recurring to family and friends for help and/or support is not an option. More than 20 years ago I went no contact with my FOO. It was - and still is - the right decision even though it implied I had to expand the NC to my extended family. Then at the beginning of December my friend moved 500 miles away, so at the moment I am somewhat isolated. So I suppose, I have to start from scratch once more. I will  try to prioritize building up a support system this time.
Last year we already had someone from outside helping me with the household for around 2,5 months, however this was a bad experience as this lady performed very non professionally. Nevertheless I will give it another try and try to find someome suitable. In the meantime I bought a cleaning roboter and made myself a new cleaning plan. My husband was not amused about the changes and told me I am not able to follow through. Well I will give it a try, stick to the working part(s) and modify whats necessary.
And in the meantime try to educate myself as much as I can.

[Rebel13]

Thank you for the update Blurredblossom! Kudos to you for taking some steps, and I'm sorry you are isolated right now. That's a tough place to be.

I recently did some research and found out that at least some counties have services for people with disabilities, to help with housework, personal care, transportation to appointments, etc. I also found some organizations that have volunteers who do some of the same things and also provide companionship. I don't know where you are, but maybe there are services like that where you live that could get you started with some help, making new connections and feeling more supported.

Don't give up! Take the best care of you that you can.