Will it help?

[Deby64]

I have been struggling with depression as I realize the reality about my marriage and the fact that my UPDH will never change. Evidently, he has noticed the change in my mood and behavior and keeps asking me what is wrong. I want to tell him I am depressed because of this relationship and the way he treats me, but he won't see it nor will he understand so will it do any good or will it just cause an argument and add to his inner struggles? Has anyone experienced this? I have to keep my peace, so not responding and being my happy self around him is gone.

[square]

If he is a narcissist or has narcissistic traits, he will not be able to hear you on this.

I know how tempting it is to share our needs and hurts and hopes and insights with our partners. I know it's hard to carry this burden alone, when you are married so that burdens can be shared.

Trying to share this burden will backfire on you. He will never forget it and will go to lengths to flip it around on you.

It will take some time to lose the urge to share these thoughts with him, but you can get used to refraining.

You can share here.

[MaxedOut]

I did share being depressed, anxious, struggling. For me that was a good call as my SO was able to access care and understanding a fair amount of the time. That would bave not been the case with any "because of..." part related to SO or us. I did share other stuff that was stressful and I was experiencing the body/chemical aspects of depression, so I shared truths about that. Given my stbxupbpdw struggles with depression, there was room for relatability there, at least for a good while. Narcissists often are different in that respect, as square alludes to. I turned to therapists for working through the depression about reality, future, treatment, etc. (and what and how to share stuff that was more creating and enforcing boundaries, communicating in ways that work with PDs, etc.).

[Deby64]

Square, thank you soooo much for your truth and understanding. "Trying to share this burden will backfire on you. He will never forget it and will go to lengths to flip it around on you."
This part rings so true for so many past conversations we've attempted to have. Once I read those words. The light began to shine on the reality once again. It's hard to love him as deeply as I do, yet can't share all of me with him. The backfire isn't worth it. I'm moved that he even sees the change in me. I'm sure it's triggering his insecurities, which is why he said something to begin with. I focus on my peace and knowing my truth regardless of the negative things he says attempting to bait me into supplying him. The battle is not mine, I have to remain steadfast in not reacting and taking things personal. This too shall pass and like you stated. I'll growing in my peace and understanding of not being able to get my emotional needs met by him. Thanks for being here.

[Deby64]

Maxed, It's good to hear you had a some what positive outcome when you shared. My UNPDH, would never go to counseling. He will say from time to time he has ptsd or some other mental disorder, but says another person can't tell him anything about himself and he'd never pay just for someone to listen to him, "That's what a wife is for". I've told him several times it's more than I can handle, but he doesn't seem to get that and continues to dump and vent his issues to me. I've learned to sit quietly as I can without responding until I'm about to blow. Then I excuse myself from the room.

[MaxedOut]

Oh, I meant I got my own therapist and went to them. I didn't raise therapy as a thing with SO in that time period. The times I had before were met with disdain typically. And I suspect had we gone that would have backfired spectacularly or ended very quickly. I needed support and to be able to talk about stuff so I accessed help for me.

The emotion dumping is hard. My SO was rarely in any sort of a positive headspace during the last few years and did a lot of emotion dumping on me in addition to all the directed negative attacks and such. I don't think it's possible not to have that significanly affect your own health and happiness. I also sought to counteract that oppressive cloud by choosing to do stuff and connect with people and use limited downtime for specifically stuff that was much more positive. And developed a few tactics to cut off the streams of dumping rather than just sitting there until I was at my limit. Because that is not actually what spouses are for. Sharing and being there, yes, but not getting dumped and vented at. A good therapist can help talk through responses/options for situations such as that.