My First Post - Looking for answers

[flyer152]

Hello,

This is my first post. My ex-wife was diagnosed with BPD during our marriage and was probably one of the main reasons for our divorce - obviously I need to take responsibility for my own actions too. That was back in 2018 and lately I have been suffering from terrible social anxiety and it's made me look back into my past, before marriage when I use to be an outgoing and social person with a lot of friends.

One of the things that has popped up is the progressive social isolation that I felt inclined towards the more time I spent in my marriage - the guilt about being out and the fear of what was waiting for me at home. Do I need to elaborate or is this something others can relate to? I repeated the same pattern in my subsequent relationship - although she had no problem with me going out and being with friends, I always felt I needed to get home. Being out with friends = bad and I needed to be home to avoid any conflict. Unfortunately that relationship ended as well and this time I was the problem.

I've gone from social butterfly to someone who needs to pop a Xanax when I leave the house. What happened and could it really be the issues from a marriage six years ago that are making me behave this way?

I look forward to learning more from this group.

[bloomie]

flyer152 - welcome to Out of the FOG. I apologize for it taking a minute for you to be welcomed! Thank you for sharing a bit of what brings you here. This first post is always the hardest and we appreciate you for introducing yourself!

I've gone from social butterfly to someone who needs to pop a Xanax when I leave the house. What happened and could it really be the issues from a marriage six years ago that are making me behave this way?

You have taken a big step in being willing to look at why this drastic change in your social confidence and enjoyment of others. Living in an atmosphere or risk, always anticipating the next shoe to drop and for your very nature of openness and being outgoing to be a 'problem' in what is the most important relationship in your life is traumatizing!

Dreading coming home from an innocent time out, never knowing what to expect can get into our heads and begin to permeate our being. My heart hurts thinking of you experiencing that and now dealing with the aftermath.

That you may be carrying some hyper vigilance that has spilled over into new relationships makes perfect sense to me. You are doing the hard thing of reaching out and searching for self understanding, healing, and good forward movement to reclaim yourself.

I am really glad you are here.

Settle in, read, absorb, check out the resources and conversations taking place on the sub forums and when you are ready, join the conversations. It helps lighten a heavy load!