How to respond to promises of "getting help"

[SaintBlackSheep]

I have been holding my boundary with my nMom and enDad, and not responding to mom's texts. She has many symptoms of dementia and has said and done many demented things over the past several years. Dad is depressed and yelled at me during our last FaceTime call in January. They live a day's drive away and we've gone very low contact with them because very visit is fraught with drama. I am a mom of 2 neurodivergent kids and I work several part time jobs and have health issues of my own which are exacerbated by stress, so I just can't deal with their drama. There is SO much more, and I guess if you're really interested, you could search my previous posts. But I digress, I told my mom last week that dad needed to apologize for yelling at me, and she needed to stop making excuses for him and also to get help for her cognitive decline, before we would resume communications with them. I know she is having big feelings because this yelling episode prompted us to cancel a visit this week in which we would stop by and see them.
Today, I got a long text listing all the things they are suddenly doing to "get help." Y'all, I'm sorry to say that this list feels like a list of lies! She brought up getting a "31/30" on her dementia test, which supposedly took place 3 weeks ago? Did she get extra credit on the dementia test? And, ok, even if she doesn't actually have dementia, SOMETHING is wrong! She has said and done utterly insane things at every visit over the past 4+ years! Like, insane insane.
And why didn't she bring up this dementia test before?
Then she named a bunch of other medical appointments that have nothing to do with their behavior. Then, on the same future date as a different appointment listed, she claims to have scheduled a family therapy appointment with my dad, whom she claims is "distraught" because I'm not communicating with him?!?! I do not understand how she can have so many appointments on the same date. She named all the other doctors but not the therapist. And she has lied about going to therapy in the past when I've made therapy a condition of further communication. She weaponized things her fake therapist said that nobody who has ever actually gone to therapy would believe a therapist actually said, all of which made her out to be perfect and me, the bad guy. So I think she's trying to do that again.
And if dad is so "distraught," why hasn't he reached out to me even once since he yelled at me for asking about my mom's mental health?
Does all this sound fishy to anyone else? I laid out the terms of resuming contact, and she sent that text to appear to meet those terms, but I just don't believe it and now I don't know what to do.
I broke my NC and responded to the text saying that I'm glad things are moving forward, but due to past experiences, I would need more details about which therapist they are seeing, and what other measures are being taken to treat her concerning behaviors, which are still clearly related to some sort of of mental health problem. I also said "if dad is so distraught, why hasn't he reached out in 2 months to apologize?" She did not respond.
I just really hate this, and I feel like at this point, she's just messing with me and trying to keep me in her clutches.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I think your response is fine. Something of a BIFF response to shut down any delusions of having done an end-around on your boundaries and needs and forcing you back to business as usual. I think your last sentence is likely to be accurate. And you can go right back to NC.

As to, "Why didn't dad just apologize?" Well isn't that the million dollar question. Lots of us on the NC boards have asked that one! Your requirements on your parents really boil down to take adult responsibility for your own behavior and taking care of your own issues. That's just not going to happen with a great many of our parents, as obvious as it might seem. Mine was, "I'm taking a break because you said this particular hurtful thing." The logical response apparently wasn't, "Gosh I'm really sorry."  Deny, deny, deny and then throw in lots of lies and guilt trips.   Similar with my in-laws. They'd rather be right than have us in their lives. That's really awful but they can have it!

[walking on broken glass]

Hi BlackSheep. This sounds to me like a really sloppy and dishonest attempt at 'clean-up'. They are making up appointments and tests on the spot just to show you that they have done their part, so you can now be back into contact with them. The good news is they have realized that other than meeting your terms, there is no other way you would be back in contact with them. The bad news is that they behave like spoiled children who think can deceive you. It's like when my cat hides under the rug, and the rug bulges and her tail shows, but she things she has found the perfect hiding spot. Ehm no, mum and dad, we can still see you. Good for you for holding your ground!

[Rebel13]

Hi BlackSheep, since your dad hasn't apologized, it seems to me the conditions for resuming contact HAVEN'T been met. So continuing on with no contact despite the efforts/ploys by your mom makes perfect sense to me.

I read this yesterday in a comment on another blog and it kind of blew my mind a little bit.

"From a psychiatric POV, the idea that a person is all good or all bad is 'splitting' ... there is no gray ... can't disagree on subtleties, if you do ANYTHING wrong, you become a villain. This is one reason they can't cop to even small mistakes ... because they believe this about themselves too ... admitting ANY fault or mistake makes THEM all bad, so they will die before admitting a single wrong doing."

Sounds like a good reason for refusing to apologize though, doesn't it??!?!?

[SaintBlackSheep]

since your dad hasn't apologized, it seems to me the conditions for resuming contact HAVEN'T been met. So continuing on with no contact despite the efforts/ploys by your mom makes perfect sense to me.

This is so straightforward and true, Rebel! Thank you! This FOG is so pervasive. My parents have never been able to apologize unless in dire straits, and it's never a true apology, it's all the typical "sorry you feel that way, but..." and then arguing. And honestly I;m so used to it, and I've lived this long with no emotional safety from my parents that I don't personally even need their apologies (too little too late) BUT I REAY DO NEED not to deal with their crap anymore, so requiring an authentic apology was perhaps a subconscious effort on my part to distance myself emotionally by requiring the one thing I know they are unable to give. Thanks for the reminder that I did set that boundary, and now the ball is in their court.

 

The good news is they have realized that other than meeting your terms, there is no other way you would be back in contact with them.

YESSS!! I haven't heard from them all week! Maybe this is how NC will start. (that would be too easy though. Nothing comes easily with them.)

Your requirements on your parents really boil down to take adult responsibility for your own behavior and taking care of your own issues. That's just not going to happen with a great many of our parents, as obvious as it might seem. Mine was, "I'm taking a break because you said this particular hurtful thing." The logical response apparently wasn't, "Gosh I'm really sorry."  Deny, deny, deny and then throw in lots of lies and guilt trips.   Similar with my in-laws. They'd rather be right than have us in their lives. That's really awful but they can have it!

I do feel like that could be the outcome that they'd rather be right than have us in their lives. I am their only child and my family is their only family. Our absence from their lives will be noticeable. I blocked my mom on social media so she's getting no grandkid updates or pics to use as her own now. I think THAT is what will get her the most is her inability to pretend to know us.

[Call Me Cordelia]

  "Our absence from their lives will be noticeable. I blocked my mom on social media so she's getting no grandkid updates or pics to use as her own now. I think THAT is what will get her the most is her inability to pretend to know us."

Wow. Another, "I thought only my parents did that" moment. They would print out photos I had posted to Facebook as if they had been present and taken those photos of my kids and were part of our life.  If all our parents want is the appearance of relationship, forget that.

[Tribe16]

Wow. Another, "I thought only my parents did that" moment. They would print out photos I had posted to Facebook as if they had been present and taken those photos of my kids and were part of our life.  If all our parents want is the appearance of relationship, forget that.

My mother prints out facebook photos on copy paper and has basically wallpapered her laundry room with them. It's kind of weird, no photos on walls in frames, but a wallpapered laundry room.

[SaintBlackSheep]

So Monday was the day she had said she and my dad were going to family therapy because my dad is "distraught." I haven't talked to them in over 2 months, and nobody called after this alleged therapy session. Still radio silence. I am mad at myself for being sad. I know Easter is coming up and they always visit then, but I haven't heard a thing and it's making me anxious to anticipate a call close to Easter telling me they will be visiting. I am starting to realize how much anxiety anticipating contact with them has been for me. I would love to just be done with them and never have the threat of talking to them hanging over my head, but I'd have to reach out in order to communicate that to them and I don't want to do that either. So I'm stuck in this loop of wanting them to call me and tell me "we went to therapy and we're working on our issues now!" and knowing how unrealistic that is, thus feeling terrorized by the possibility of them calling me. I don't know if that makes sense or not. I'm so sad, angry, and confused.

[SaintBlackSheep]

How Ironic that I posted just a few hours ago and then I hear from my parents just now...We are facing terrible wild fires right by my house and have packed our bags in case we get evacuated. My parents are suddenly filled with concern, in the form of performative fb posts gushing their love and prayers and all the nauseating emojis. I am on my last nerve after several sleepless nights due to startling awake right after I fall asleep because I smell smoke. So I responded publicly to my mom's asinine posts. I said "since family is so important to you, you might want to talk to your grandkids. It's been several months. PrAyInG for you tooooooo!" And then, she called me! She was embarrassed that I responded like that and doesn't know how to delete her own post, so she broke her 2 monthlong silent treatment to call me. And my dad actually got on the phone too for just a minute, and gave me a very robotic "I just want you to know we are concerned for you and we love you all." Am I evil for being pissed that it took this freaking wild fire to get them to reach out? Like, they couldn't just apologize 2 months ago and make amends, it takes this catastrophe to get them to get over themselves?! And am I evil for being pissed that they are making this calamity all about them? Like, for real, I was loading my vehicle with my family's few irreplaceable treasures and had to stop to take their call, because THEY are worried! I feel like it was all about making themselves feel better, and I, again being at the end of my rope, blurted "you are only calling to make yourselves feel better, because you know your friends will see these fires on the news and ask about us, and you'd look bad not having an answer. Why did it take this fire to reach out? How sad that you chose not to make things right months ago, for no other reason than that you miss and love us? I gotta go finish packing up." and hung up. I feel so rotten inside. And I have a huge problem (that Ive worked a lot on) about my fantasy parents who love me vs. the reality of MY actual parents. So when I do reach the end of my rope and snap, I feel bad about it, as if I have normal loving parents who wouldn't deserve my anger. So I shame myself and stuff my feelings down until I am crippled with physical health ailments, and then I lay in bed and get pissed all over again that I was so hard on myself for getting mad at my actual selfish narc parents. UGH!!   

[FromTheSwamp]

I think what you said to them was awesome.  Good job not smoothing things over for them.

[Call Me Cordelia]

The part of you that thinks you're evil for being angry? You know who put that there. Angry is soooo justified.

I'm praying for your safety and peace through this wildfire. Sometimes it takes an actual crisis to put the PD drama in perspective for us and we realize... I just don't have time for this anymore. I have run out of energy to manage their emotions for them. So you said some true things and got back to YOU.

[walking on broken glass]

Well done for calling them out twice! It is exactly as you said: what matters to them is appearances. They hate looking as the bad guys so they called when it was no longer possible to avoid it. Their egos come ahead of any worry about yours and your family's health. It is truly sickening and you have every right to feel mad and disgusted.
I hope you and your family are safe and well. Keep us posted!

[blunk]

Am I evil for being pissed that it took this freaking wild fire to get them to reach out?   

Realistically, they didn't even reach out to you due to the fire. Like you said, that was just performative "oooh, look how much we care" FB post...they reached out only after they were publicly and rightfully shamed for their poor behavior.

[TimetoHeal]

Hi, SBS,

I'm so sorry I am late to the conversation.  I hope you are okay now, and the fires did not reach your house!!  I just wanted to chime in with my support for you.  You are doing much better than I am sure it feels like you are doing, with all you've got going on.  Just wanted to also give empathy as someone who suffers with chronic illness including anxiety, a grown child with neurodiversity who will be my "forever child", and working 2 part time jobs to try and make ends meet.  We only have so much energy and so much bandwidth.  At some point, our immature parents are going to have to suck it up and take care of themselves. 

I'm super proud of you.

[SaintBlackSheep]

Thankfully it is raining today so hopefully that will help with the fires.
[/quote]

Realistically, they didn't even reach out to you due to the fire. Like you said, that was just performative "oooh, look how much we care" FB post...they reached out only after they were publicly and rightfully shamed for their poor behavior.
[/quote]

OMG this is so true! And I noticed later that my mom has started using my dad's unused fb account just to comment to me! I had to block him too.