NPD parent

[cepnahu]

It's my first time posting here so im not sure if im doing it right.

I just wanted to ask something, cause I'm dealing with this all my life.

My mom has NPD, not diagnosed but the signs and how she's treating everyone in the family is obvious. I've always been her favourite target, maybe cause I'm her daughter and i dont know what. Is it typical for NPD parents to always target holidays and special events to have breakdowns and argue? She always starts some kind of arguments, the causes not always as necessary, small things that tip her off the edge and makes it seem big, something that could be fixed easily but she always uses the excuse "but why didn't you do this or that, why don't you value me or care about my feelings?". Whenever we argue, she always gaslights me (or i think so, I'm confused at this point) that I'm the one starting them and causing her to spiral. I'm 20 now, still living with her cause I'm in collage and our classes were online till now for xxx reasons. Soon I'm starting classes with physical attendance (thank god).

But, till now, she's always targeting days before my exams/finals to argue, make the atmosphere miserable and stress me more than my university.

Why does she always do it at times like these? And I'm not talking normal arguments, it's like.. over the top arguments, where she breaks stuff, talks about it till 5am not letting me sleep, blames me for not getting enough rest for her work the other day, says i ruin everything for her, rages for a week straight and then tries to make it up by saying "I'm always the one making it up to u even if you're at fault, u never try to calm me first and apologise".

It's true, many times it's my fault too but she always extands it and makes it worse.
There's more to the story, but i can't really fit everything here and my brother and dad are excluded cause, well she doesn't do stuff with them like that as she does with me and even if it's something with them only, she finds her way to involve me too and pour the whole situation baggage on me.

We're in an argument this week too, i have 2 more exams tomorrow and the day after. She's mostly ignoring me and throwing petty comments but I'm really not sure how to react anymore and need some advice before i finally move away for collage in March/April.

This is mostly a rant post (or i hope it's posted, still new). I guess i just need to know I'm not going crazy and she's really targeting me and making me feel as if I'm always the one to blame.

If anyone gets to read it and comments, thanks.

[Rebel13]

cepnahu, it sure sounds like you are having a tough time with your mom! In my experience, disordered behavior does often tend to trend upwards around "special" occasions. I'm not sure of the reasons for this but I have experienced it! My mom used to do the same kind of thing on holidays, and then accuse us of "ruining" it for her. It's a real drag.

For sure check out some of the resources in the Toolbox -- you have mentioned some very specific tactics like sleep deprivation and projection, and there are articles there that help understand those behaviors and provide strategies you can use to start to protect yourself.

Good luck to you with your schoolwork and exams. Keep prioritizing your work and self care -- those will be the tickets to your own, independent life very soon!

[walking on broken glass]

I am so sorry you are experiencing this. I hope the knowledge that you will soon be moving out to college will provide some safety and reassurance while you are still home.

I think PDs exhibit the worst traits of the disorder and lash out in special occasions like holidays, because those involve a lot of socialisation and perhaps stress that the PDs cannot manage in healthy ways. They get overstimulated and need to lash out. Think of them as children with no social skills and no self awareness. You also mentioned that your mum particularly targets you during your exams. I think she senses your stress around the exams and she is reacting to that because she simply cannot handle it or she might actively try to add to the stress to draw attention back to herself. You are preoccupied with something else other than her shenanigans so she has to make it about her. She might also enjoy making you squirm, as if it were a game for her. A bit like the cat toying with the mouse. It is horrible and you have every right to be feeling all sorts of things, sad, outraged, anxious. Try to keep to your room and ignore her, as much as possible, and focus on getting through the exams. As Rebel said, there is excellent advice in the tools section of the website (like grey rock and medium chill). It is very difficult to not be baited and provoked when you live in the same house, but try not to engage with her. Could your father and brother be recruited to help you? What is their role in all this?

[cepnahu]

Thank u both for replying! I checked the toolbox and found some useful stuff that help. I'll try them out next time to avoid some extreme arguments and all.

Also it's official and I'm moving out in March so i hope I'll get some break for 4 months and figure out better ways to deal with everything.

And about my dad and brother, i prefer not to talk about their role cause it's separate and they're not much of a help, if anything they sometimes make things worse but sometimes calm them.. it's complicated. My main problem is my mom cause 90% of my life was spent and still is with her. Maybe separation and little contact will keep things light and okay, whatever else happens with her and the others is not my problem anymore. Thanks for the support!

[NarcKiddo]

Yes, it is typical in my experience. Anything that draws attention away from them is unwelcome. If you are doing exams then your focus is (naturally and rightly) on you. Others may also focus on you because they will be aware of your stress, need for study time etc. They might cope for a while but usually find a way to bring the spotlight back on them.

My own mother has been struggling recently because my father has cancer. There have been various surgeries and endless medical appointments. And of course everyone's attention is on him. She can deal with this for a while, especially if she can draw attention to herself in her role as caregiver. But every so often she will explode with rage over something, or she will suddenly develop a medical condition of her own to get the spotlight back.

It's exhausting and I find they cannot be reasoned with or called out. Sometimes it is easier just to go along with their nonsense, smile and nod and agree with them. I have spent the greater part of my life bending backwards to satisfy my mother and keep her nerves in check. But exams are important and you simply must put yourself first right now, whatever she does. However, that may mean saying whatever will shut her up faster, regardless of whether you truly believe what you are saying. Being authentic to yourself is normally a good thing, but sometimes you need to focus on what will bring the better outcome for you. If claiming to agree with her brings that outcome, then you might want to consider just gritting your teeth for the time being and giving her bland answers that do not further the argument.

I wish you well - these things are not easy to deal with.

[cepnahu]

Update, we couldn't find a proper apartment/dorm with my friends and we travel everyday for classes, meaning I'm stuck with mom till next semester- which is in october sadly. Been suffering a lot so far going thru with collage cause i thought im finally gonna be free for a bit to breathe but I think the universe is just laughing at my face with how things turned out. Oh well. 

[mary_poppins]

Update, we couldn't find a proper apartment/dorm with my friends and we travel everyday for classes, meaning I'm stuck with mom till next semester- which is in october sadly. Been suffering a lot so far going thru with collage cause i thought im finally gonna be free for a bit to breathe but I think the universe is just laughing at my face with how things turned out. Oh well. 

Hi cepnahu.

I don't think the universe is laughing in your face. Finding accommodation is not easy in general so I think it's how life is. If you do continue to stay with her until this fall, use boundary-setting to make your life easier around your NPD mom. Grey rock her and don't engage emotionally with her no matter how much she wants to. Also, put her on an information diet. These 3 things helped me be successful while living with my own NPD mom.