Some Experiences I've Had...

[commongoal123]

My mother is very Histrionic and has some Borderline.  Possibly Narcissistic.  Here are some of the worst things I've experienced:


1)  Manipulated/smear campaigned my best friend since childhood against me and in favor of her.  Best friend isn't innocent, but that lifelong friendship is over now because I lost my shit over it.  I think she did it because I had been no contact for years, and she either thought the loss of my friend would be something that I'd contact her for help about (or something she could contact me about and go "oh no I heard what happened"), or she just did it out of spite.


2)  Sided with an ex of mine from when I was a teenager who cheated on me.  Excused my ex for it saying that she had just made a young girl mistake and that I should stay with her.  She is still in contact with this ex because they "bonded" back then, and this ex doesn't know any better and it isn't my job to tell her otherwise.


3)  During adulthood before NC while actually giving my mother a chance and leaning on her (like she always wanted me to do), during a breakup with a narcissist Borderline type, telling her I didn't have plans for any self-harm but I didn't feel like I wanted to live anymore... she immediately responded with "I think you're being selfish".  And when I asked her if she knew how fucked up what she just said to me was, she gaslit me and told me she didn't say anything (as though she hadn't even responded), and acted like she had no idea what I was talking about.


4)  Manipulated me into taking an antidepressant as a 15 year old (I now see this as her seeing my identity as her own.. she was on antidepressants heavily).  That particular antidepressant then made me very suicidal as a teen and self harm.  Found out later in life that particular antidepressant was later determined to cause suicidal tendencies in teenagers.


5)  As a teenager, sided with another ex girlfriend who made false accusations about me (this girl was very disturbed and I was too young to know what I was getting into).  Ultimately it landed me in the psych ward of a hospital as an outpatient every day that I had to go to (which my mother signed off on and supported).  Forced to take multiple medications, and group therapy with other teens who were way more fucked up than me.


6) Abused me as a child physically, psychologically, and emotionally.  Some of the physical abuse I remember experiencing when I was really little my mother would immediately after play off as an accident or a mistake and then "oh no let mommy fix it".... some of the other physical abuse when I was still little but I realized wasn't an accident (like being physically thrown sideways) that I challenged her on and told her was child abuse got me gaslight more.


There's more than the above.

She still acts to this day like she never did anything wrong and has my whole family aside from my siblings and father believe that she is a victim.  And still acts like a victim.  Still tries to contact me, and still has other family members relay messages to me.

I'm a grown man now and the fucked up part is, even I don't fully believe that what I experienced was real because of the "good stuff" she did.  Hard to really accept it all and not doubt it.


Sometimes I feel really fucked up in life because of it.

What are some of your worst experiences?

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I'm sorry to hear you went through that, Commongoal.  Some of what you shared struck a chord with me.  Having the family member suddenly take an interest in a person who has been your close LO, friend or partner and kind of try to take over and come between you.  And portray themselves as very innocent and only having best of intentions and acting like a victim if anything's said about it.  While things go south with you and your LO/friend/partner.

I've found other people often don't see what the person is doing.  They just see the (what I think of as fake) niceness as the person pulls the other one in.  And they act completely innocent.  I've found it confusing.  I feel a definite betrayal, a sense of someone trying to shaft me.  But because it's not obvious to everyone, there's some self doubt, or feeling like maybe I'm overreacting or misreading.  But something inside of me is 99.99% sure this isn't innocent at all.  Especially because it happens repeatedly with different people in my life over time.  Also, the person can be good to you some of the time, maybe even most.  But then they stick it to you repeatedly for no reason you can figure out.  It's messed up.

So that's what your post brought up for me.

[commongoal123]

But because it's not obvious to everyone, there's some self doubt, or feeling like maybe I'm overreacting or misreading.

This point really stuck out to me.  This is so true and really could go for anything in life.  Just because other people don't see something doesn't mean it isn't true...
 Thank you for your response.

[NarcKiddo]

even I don't fully believe that what I experienced was real because of the "good stuff" she did.  Hard to really accept it all and not doubt it.

This resonates massively with me. I have often thought of my mother like a gambling machine - I would relentlessly put money in the slot hoping for the jackpot. Occasionally I would get minor wins, when she was being nice, or fun, and that hooked me more. I am still in contact with her and just grey rock, and have some years of therapy under my belt. I now realise that the "good stuff" was not actually all that good. All the fun things we did were totally her idea of fun. I'm not saying I disliked them but I never had any choice except to like them. The good stuff was in reality simply better than the alternative. That's all.

[commongoal123]

I now realise that the "good stuff" was not actually all that good. All the fun things we did were totally her idea of fun. I'm not saying I disliked them but I never had any choice except to like them.

This lands here.  Thank you for sharing and responding.

[Liketheducks]

Common....your post hit home for me.  Particularly the part about your mom seeing your identity as her own.  My mom did and continues to do this all the time.  Her medical conditions are assumed to be mine.  Her favorite foods and colors and style are assumed to be mine.  And if I express a difference of opinion, woe to me. 

I'm sorry you're here....and also glad you found us.   

[TimetoHeal]

I am so sorry for everything you experienced at the hand of your mother. 

I can relate to much of it as well.  My mother continues friendly communication with my ex husband who she knows abused me.  They are truly birds of a feather.

Glad you found the forums!  Keep posting. 

[BrightMoon]

sorry to read your awful experiences. im struggling lately due to having similar ones, also due to an abusive mother. I would write of them but its too painful right now.