Hello!

[slicendice73]

Hi everyone

I hope no-one minds but I'm not actually here as a victim of narcissistic abuse myself, but as the brother of someone who is. I'm hoping I'll be able to find some resources and/or guidance that I can use to help my brother because he's in a very bad way and I'm really, really worried.

I'll try and summarize as best I can...he married his (now ex) wife ~14 years ago and they have 2 children together (9 & 10 years old now). They live in LA, although my brother is not from the USA originally and moved there after she became pregnant with their first child. She was always the main bread-winner and has a full-time job (well paid) and he was the stay-at-home Dad looking after the kids. This obviously gave her a lot of financial control.

Her narcissistic behaviour started to become apparent probably ~1-2 years after they were married. To start with it was verbal outbursts, belittling language, gaslighting, etc which was interspersed with the subsequent love-bombing, present-buying, etc...before the cycle would then repeat. As the years progressed, so did the scale of the abuse and it ultimately became physical...pushing, shoving, slapping, punching, etc.

To cut a very (very!!) long story short, he ended up having to call the police on her as she physically attacked him in the family home (with the children in bed a few yards away at the time). He now has a restraining order against her and following this (and the fact that she also had an affair with another man), they are now divorced (that in itself was a whole other barrel of pain...the blatant lies she told throughout the entirety of the divorce hearing were just eyewatering). Needless to say, lying is an integral part of who she is and she has lied (and continues to lie) about him to anyone she can get her claws into - obviously this has resulted in some very distressing situations with regard to how other people now regard him.

The result of all this is that his mental health is now in absolute tatters. One of the biggest issues currently is his financial situation. He is fully trained and qualified in his home country, but the qualifications and certifications he would need in order to obtain employment in the same profession in the USA are different and his current qualifications do not allow him to work. So he needs to find some other kind of work in order to get some money coming in...and that is where there is a big problem (one of many).

Despite him being very capable and very practical, he has basically lost all self-confidence and all self-belief and is convinced that he won't be able to find work because of the state he's in. He can't even bring himself to apply for the most basic of jobs as he has no confidence that he would be able to achieve anything. An added complication is that, as he has the kids 50% of the time, he can't work normal full-time hours so any job he did get would have to be flexible enough to allow him to work around that...not impossible but it's just another hurdle.

As his family (i.e. my mother, my sister and myself, all of whom live outside the USA), we are helping out as best we can but sadly we are not a bottomless pit and the situation is getting a bit desperate. Some days he is so low he can barely stop crying. It's utterly heart-breaking to witness and we're desperate to try and help but we just don't know what to do. He had been having weekly therapy, which was a good thing, but that was funded by his church and they say they can no longer afford to pay for it, so that has now come to a rather abrupt end.

One of the issues he has is that he spends a lot of time in his own company, which I don't think is a good thing. What I was wondering was whether there are any kind of support groups that might be able to...well...support him? If he could speak with other people who had been through the same sort of situation, I wonder if it might help him? Maybe get some advice and pointers on how to get back on track?

So if anyone has any ideas or experience, or can recommend something that you think might be beneficial, I'd be massively grateful.

There's an awful lot I've not mentioned but as this has already ended up a lot longer than I intended, I'll stop there! Thank you if you made it this far...

[bloomie]

slicendice73 - hi, and welcome to Out of the FOG! What a great deal of love and devotion to your brother and his children rings clear in your intro post. I am sure he knows how blessed he is to have your support.

One of the hardest things to think through when our loved one has been on the receiving end of terrible treatment is that they have to want to heal and move forward and be willing to do whatever it takes, no matter how hard, to regain firm ground under their feet.

It sounds like your brother does want to heal and move forward and is finding the next best steps the most difficult part. Very understandable, considering the damage to his view of himself through all the abusive behaviors of his ex-wife. I am so sorry!!

Something that may not have occurred to him to begin is to serve in his local community. His church, the local food pantry, the library, senior center, coaching... and begin to be around people and engage in meaningful efforts that benefit others and himself. Just anywhere to start to see his value in what he has to offer and to meet and be around others. A lot less pressure to serve and volunteer and we see that others are in need and hurting as well. Just a thought.

In terms of how long to financially support him... most of us cannot continue to support our sibling forever and as the crisis subsides we return their responsibilities to them, where they belong, because we believe in them and want to shift our investment from financial to validating their own ability to provide for themselves.

Having had a sibling experience great, unexpected loss, we committed to her that we would cover certain primary expenses for a certain amount of time. That gave her a chance to find her feet and was a healthy way of showing her we believed in her ability to care for herself. And she has been able to shift into doing that!

We have a great toolbox and resource links at the drop down menus above. Those are things you could share with your brother. There are also really good divorce care groups (they are faith based and no cost) around the country and he could participate in. A link to send him to find a group near him: https://www.divorcecare.org/findagroup

Sending you wisdom as you find the best way to support and encourage your brother. I am thankful you shared with us!