Social Media Trolls in Adult kids of Narcissists - your thoughts?

[Tribe16]

This is an unusual question, but I follow (anonymously) a lot of narcissism specialists on YouTube and Instagram. I have learned lots of little tidbits here and there, and have often felt very validated, and since I am anonymous, I post a comment now and again. It's a separate account from my normal Insta account and I've blocked all family on that account. I have recently noticed an uptick of uber-critical women (assuming they are women based on their handles) that blame the posters and commenters for being guilty of tearing apart families for no reason; for acting like victims; for being "soft little pansies" (yes, it was said  )

I can only assume, again nothing scientific here - that these are disgruntled mothers whose children have set boundaries or gone no contact. I cannot imagine following pro-parent estrangement groups. And going on the attack in those groups. I know they exist. That would be so weird.

One of the accounts was talking about the subject of parents who give gifts of money and how often there are strings attached. I found this interesting, because two years ago I mailed a check back to my mother. She wasn't speaking to me at the time, and as a matter of personal integrity I didn't feel right at all about accepting the money. I sent her a kind note thanking her, but that I thought she could use the money more than me, and that it was not necessary to send me checks. No meanness or anything, I just didn't feel right taking it. My mother's silent treatment continued after that. She never responded nor acknowledged it. I made a one sentence comment that I had done this - truly there was less information in the comment than I am giving here.

A woman took my one sentence and replied that I was acting like a victim, that I was seeking revenge, and maybe my mother was "honoring my boundaries and healing by not talking to me". Her response was long and over the top and she jumped to a ton of conclusions about me and about my mother. It was triggering, not gonna lie. I did respond to her and told her she was assuming a lot about me without knowing anything about me. Then some other chick jumped on the bandwagon and said more of the same, only this time in a more mocking tone with a laugh emoji.

After I unruffled my feathers, I told myself these are most likely triggered women, the subject matter probably touched a nerve that caused them to lash out, and I would bet good money they have children that don't want to be around them. I just don't understand why they even follow online trauma therapist influencers. I don't think they realize they show their freak flag flying by saying and doing the things they say.

Anyway, I was just curious if you've noticed this, or if you have a story or observation to tell from the (angry) perspective of the estranged parent. It's like they're mobilizing to fight back or something.

[treesgrowslowly]

Long before social media took hold, I had this happen IRL. I had 'befriended' someone who acted normal, and so we were hanging out, and then I decided to tell her that I was NC. I assumed she'd continue being normal, since she was acting normal up to that point.

She flew into a rage. She attacked me with venom, tried to shame me, and make me feel guilty for the NC situation. She had never met my family members, and had no idea what she was talking about. We barely knew each other so everything she said was unhinged from reality since she had no info at all about the situation. I was stunned. So much for her 'normal' persona.

Several months later I found out that her adult children were estranging from her. Her attack on me was a sign of how insane she actually gets, and she hides it from people pretty well - unless you happen to say something that throws her into her rage. Suffice to say, that "friendship" with her didn't last very long.

Trees

[Liketheducks]

I feel like there is a generational shift going on right now.   I know that my grandparents did really horrible things to my parents as children.   It is suddenly ok for us to call it out, erect boundaries and work on healing ourselves.   I don't think that was as acceptable as it is now.   How dare we take care of ourselves when abused.   Our parents didn't, perhaps, feel they had that "luxury".   

I do believe that the idea that parents are entitled to a relationship with their adult children is wrong.   No one is entitled to a relationship.   Where in my parents generation there was a great deal of familial entitlement.   

Further, I think....and not to get too conspiracy theory or political....with women having much more of a say in WHEN they conceived has changed how we deal with adult children.   My adult son has a relationship with me because he wants to, not because it is expected of him.   I'd like to think that my son spends time with me because he wants to.  We like each other.   But, I had a lot of love and planning in deciding to have him at all.   It was something that I planned, not something that happened to me.   I have friends whose parents quite obviously don't like them.   It is as if they were expected to have children, give them the bare minimum of food and shelter, resent the kid for not having a say in the whether or not they have a kid and then are expected to be "honored" for their sacrifices.    I KNOW my parents just can't conceive of the notion that I'm might not tolerate being mistreated over and over again by them.   

That and when you really start asking people....estrangement is a lot more common than people want to admit. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

I've had a few rather unkind responses from people who probably have reason to be NC but won't do it. If they can take it so can I sort of shaming responses. 

I don't discuss my NC status online except for this forum. People don't always see things objectively and are prone to projection.

Regarding a child being a choice vs. a gift. Honestly I see a greater risk of parental entitlement when gosh I went to all this trouble to have a kid the right way at the right time and I made so many sacrifices to give just the right childhood, college fund, married ten years and did IVF at forty, whatever high standards or difficult circumstances you want to cite. A new generation's version of, "I was in labor with you for seventeen hours!" In my own family, I see a little bit of both! The oldest kids kind of just happened, and the youngest was born after several miscarriages and she has a whole different kind of guilt trip on her. ("I suffered so much for a chance to have you, and this is how you repay me.") Yet whatever the backstory, the kid might not turn out to meet the parents' high expectations for parenthood to be so rewarding all the dang time, and there's all this pressure on the child to make life magical for the parents and make special memories. For earlier generations, children were just naturally part of life for most people and the stakes weren't so high on opting into parenthood. There certainly are pitfalls both ways. Maybe the old way is skewed more toward neglect, whereas the cultural pendulum has now swung toward enmeshment. I also see less support for parents. Extremely, this is typified by my own children's grandparents' stated attitude, "Well, you chose to have these kids, they're YOUR problem." There's a reason mothers much more commonly report feeling isolated and overwhelmed today. And abuse does thrive in isolation. It's an interesting question with multiple factors interacting. I agree with you there's currently a generational shift toward family rupture. Interestingly it's primarily the children who were "chosen" who are choosing it from what I understand. It will be interesting to see how this develops in the future.

[Tribe16]

She flew into a rage. She attacked me with venom, tried to shame me, and make me feel guilty for the NC situation. She had never met my family members, and had no idea what she was talking about. We barely knew each other so everything she said was unhinged from reality since she had no info at all about the situation. I was stunned. So much for her 'normal' persona.

Yikes, Trees, that's no fun. She was obvs super-triggered and you can sympathize with her adult children I'm sure.

Further, I think....and not to get too conspiracy theory or political....with women having much more of a say in WHEN they conceived has changed how we deal with adult children.   My adult son has a relationship with me because he wants to, not because it is expected of him.   I'd like to think that my son spends time with me because he wants to.  We like each other.   But, I had a lot of love and planning in deciding to have him at all.   It was something that I planned, not something that happened to me.   I have friends whose parents quite obviously don't like them.   It is as if they were expected to have children, give them the bare minimum of food and shelter, resent the kid for not having a say in the whether or not they have a kid and then are expected to be "honored" for their sacrifices.    I KNOW my parents just can't conceive of the notion that I'm might not tolerate being mistreated over and over again by them.   

Thank you LTD, my parents were VERY young when I was born (I'm the oldest) and sometimes I think my mom is emotionally still a teenager in many ways. I was pretty young too, however, I was out on my own not long after high school, did several years of single girl life with my friends before meeting my husband. I worked in a corporate job up until my daughter was born and I've never felt deprived of "a life" in that regard and was excited to be a mom. I love my kids fiercely, and enjoy them as adults - they're funny, they're smart, they're compassionate and confident - and I learn so much from them. I can never imagine treating any of them the way my mom treats me. I feel like there is a sense of entitlement from my silent gen parent that they deserve to be given a pass due their age and/or matriarchy as far as bad behavior.

I also see less support for parents. Extremely, this is typified by my own children's grandparents' stated attitude, "Well, you chose to have these kids, they're YOUR problem." There's a reason mothers much more commonly report feeling isolated and overwhelmed today. And abuse does thrive in isolation. It's an interesting question with multiple factors interacting. I agree with you there's currently a generational shift toward family rupture. Interestingly it's primarily the children who were "chosen" who are choosing it from what I understand. It will be interesting to see how this develops in the future.

Thanks for your thoughts Cordelia. I think that maybe modern life is teaching us more about boundaries that we were never taught before. I think (I hope) healthy Dads share the load a lot more than they used to. I think in the generational/cultural shift there is a shift that as grandparents, we will have a much healthier relationship with our kids and grandkids if we let the parents dictate the parameters and be gracious about honoring those parameters. Whereas 30 years ago "grandma knew best" and did what grandma wanted to do. Kind of that matriarchal supremacy mindset. Which might have been fine as long as Grandma was the wise and patient grandma vs the resentful and easily annoyed grandma. Change is hard, flexibility is healthy and it seems like those who want to keep THEIR status quo will suffer the consequences of challenging relationships with their kids. We can't go back to what was.

Thanks for your comments!