Googling Obituaries

[GettingThere]

Content warning: physical violence causing disability

I needed to go no contact with all of my blood relatives about 2 years ago because my life was in danger. To be honest, my life had been in danger for 20 years before that, since I was a little kid, so it was a better late than never situation.

When I finally escaped, they tried to suck me back in by saying my grandfather was dying. I come from a narcissistic family system, so my grandfather is just one of many people with NPD in my family. My grandfather did have a heart condition, but he had been telling his wife and children that this may be his last Christmas *every* year for 30 years. When I escaped, he was in his mid 80s and had developed two types of cancer, but he still managed to physically assault me to the point of causing me a permanent physical disability the last time I saw him. I had tried to escape the family 8 or 9 times prior to that incident and the violence had been escalating for about a year prior to that event.

When I finally got stably housed and safe and away from them, I luckily found supportive people who helped me block my family when they tried to suck me back in by saying my grandfather was about to die. And yet, even two years later, I still find myself googling his obituary hoping to find it. He's a monster of a person who abused me and all the women in my family in a million ways his entire life. I've known since I was a teenager that it will bring me immense peace when he dies. But I don't want to keep compulsively googling for his obituary. I've been doing it at least twice a month for two years and I still haven't found it. He may still be alive and he may not be; they may just not have posted his obituary online.

Has anyone else experienced this situation before or something similar? Does anyone have any advice for how to let go of the googling?

Thanks so much to everyone here for all of your support. I posted here when I first escaped two years ago and the support from you all meant so much.

Sending well wishes to you all on your healing journies,
GettingThere

[bloomie]

GettingThere - you are out and you have found trustworthy people and safety for yourself. Is googling twice a month protecting your peace or keeping you tied to the past?

I have found that my peace, the protection of it, the nurturing of a life that perpetuates and adds to my peace of mind, lies within me. I do not give that over to anyone else. Ever.

There is a kind of trauma response I have experienced that wants to compulsively reassure myself that I am safe, okay, truly out and away. I have learned to ask myself: "What story am I telling myself about this person?"

Sometimes the answer to that question is something that is not even true, but that is guiding my behaviors and thinking that inadvertently keeps the ember of past trauma alive. The true answer for me has been: "This person cannot hurt you any more." Alive or dead. 

What has helped me is to focus on myself and the goal of healthy coping and to stop any compulsive double checking to offer myself false sense of reassurance. It has not been easy to let this kind of thing go at first, but in time... in time... if I stay with myself, I have found freedom from this.

I hope this helps a bit. You are not alone!

I am sorry for the anguish of your grandfather's treatment of you!

[JustKathy]

Hi GettingThere,

I never experienced the issue of endless Googling, but maybe I can offer this small bit of advice.

Both my NPD mother and enabling father have passed away now. Neither of them had an obituary. I only knew of their deaths because other people outside of my family let me know. Not everyone has an obituary. In the case of my parents, I don't think anyone cared enough to bother writing one (and/or paying for a paper to print it). So not finding an obituary doesn't mean the person is still living.

I do understand you want that final bit of closure; knowing the person who hurt you is finally gone. But having gone through it already, I can tell you that verifying my own parents' deaths didn't give me the closure I thought it would. They couldn't hurt me anymore, but I had already ensured that when I went NC many years earlier.

I know it's hard to let the whole thing go and stop checking those obituaries, but perhaps you could start by checking less often. Limit it to twice a year rather than twice a month. At some point you may find that you don't need that verification. Given his age and poor health, eventually it will be a given.

Be kind to yourself. You've been through a lot, but the hardest part is now behind you.

Sending hugs...

[xredshoesx]

hey @GettingThere

I allow myself to consent the Google once. maybe twice a year- mostly bc I don't think i'd find out any other way that anyone on my biological mother's side has passed.  like justkathy said - not everyone who passes gets an obit tho.

I do want the closure of knowing that they are no longer here. but I also don't want to put myself in that place in my head more than a couple of times a year if it makes any sense. they aren't worth more of my time or peace like bloomie said.

[GettingThere]

Thank you all so much for your kind and thoughtful responses. I think because I only escaped a little less than 3 years ago that as time goes by, I'll develop a stronger felt sense of safety and feel the need to check and reassure myself less often. I'm really looking forward to the day where I know my grandfather is dead because it would be impossible for him to still be alive. And thank you for reminding me that he can't hurt me anymore - alive or dead

[Sidney37]

Oh the googling of obituaries.  First, I am so glad you are safe!  Yes in time you might lessen your checking but your brain and body are doing what it takes to feel safe. This is a trauma response.

To answer your question, yes I have done it and I just stopped doing it.  I've been fully NC for 5 years and attempted NC for a while before that.

For me, googling obituaries was part of the abuse and trauma.  My pdM expected multiple phone calls a day, every day, at her defined time even if that time was during an hour of an office job that my employees needed my attention or when my elementary aged child was getting on or off the bus and needed me. This started when I went to college and didn't end till I was in my 40s and went NC.  I lost a job because of this.  The school social worker reached out to me because my child complained about this at school.  It was a problem.

If I didn't make and participate in these calls, there were punishments.  The first one was in college and she told me weeks later that because I went 48 hours without calling her that she didn't tell me that my dad's aunt died and it was too late,  I missed the funeral, and I'd have known if I had called like I was supposed to.  She died that weekend and she could have told me on Monday when I called but she waited weeks to punish me.   This is when I started therapy the first time.

Years later when I had kids and was in my 30s I was back in therapy because I went 24 hours without calling when I was pregnant and working and very sick.  I got a call from my enD mad that I hadn't called and told that it better not happen again.  When she finally agreed to talk to me, I was told that if I did this again, she wouldn't tell me if my elderly grandmother died that I better start reading the online obituaries to find out.  I started making the twice a day phone calls at her demanded time and I started reading the obituaries just in case.

When I finally went NC (years after my grandmother passed) I started reading the obituaries online every day at 3 different funeral homes in my hometown just in case because I knew no one would tell me if someone important died.  My NC and her smear campaign have kept every single blood relative from speaking to me.

I stopped reading the obituaries when my oldest went to college and now they reach out to my child with any drama in the family.  There's no reason a 20 year old should have to deal with this, but I protected and kept them away from my kids for years and now the kids have the choice to deal with them. They've chosen to be in contact.

It's taken many years to stop reading the obituaries.  Now I do it every few months and not daily.  One day I hope to stop completely. 

[GettingThere]

Congratulations for your healing Sidney and thank you for sharing your story. I'm glad you were able to stop reading the obituaries. I'm so sorry for all of the harm that was caused to you by your pdM, and I'm so happy you've been able to build a life where you can protect your peace