NPD parents as grandparents

[Bdb89207]

Hi everyone,

Seeking some advice.

I'm currently 38 weeks pregnant with my first child. I've been no contact with my NPD mother for 4 years now and NPD father for 2 years.

Since sharing the news of us expecting with other family members,  of course they made it their mission to tell my mom. Since she can't reach me, she's been texting my husband who does a good job of fielding the bs so that I'm not bothered.

First, she got access to our registry from another family member who came to our shower and bought the stroller and car seat. My husband sent a general thank you message just to be polite when it was received.  He said it's more about our character than hers, and I agree.

Then, she texted my husband a few days ago asking if we'd had the baby yet and saying she wanted to send something else. He consulted with me and decided to allow her to send a gift basket. Again, he sent a general thank you text just to be polite.

I'm writing this post because I know in my heart of hearts that she's just sending this stuff with hopes for an in road back into my life without any apologies or acknowledgement of the emotionally neglectful and emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive way I was treated by her.

I don't want to do the wrong thing by keeping our daughter away from a grandparent that appears to be "trying," but I also know how manipulative, disrespectful,  and dishonest my mom can be and I don't want to introduce someone like that to my child either. Especially since she's a little girl and I know how poorly I was treated as a little girl.

I also can't shake the feeling that my mom is only doing all this to look like she's being a good grandma and not to actually be one. This is another stunt about her and her image, not about me or my child.

We're even skeptical about sending a photo once the baby's born because I think she just wants one to post on FB and act like she's got it all together to her followers.

What would you do in this situation? Anyone else have NPD parents transitioning to grandparent-hood?

[TimetoHeal]

Hi, BdB,

Congratulations on your new baby!

I'm probably not the best person to give advice on your particular situation, since I am much older and my kids are grown now.  I never went NC with my parents, and so they were in my kids life for better or for worse (and it was a bit of both).

The only thing I would say is that whether or not you decide to have contact with your mother again at this time, and whether or not she is capable of being a "good" or even "good enough" grandparent are two different things.  In other words, you have the right to decide to not have contact with her even if she were somehow able to be Grandparent of the Year.  Does that make sense?

Sometimes PDs are able to be much better grandparents than they were parents.  Sometimes not. I don't think there's anyway to predict ahead of time. 

I'm so glad you have your husband's support and he is running interference for you!  Take good care of yourself and your baby right now.  Ya'll are what's important. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hi again and congratulations! You are so close to meeting your baby girl!!!!

I very much have thoughts, but before I share I did go back and look at your previous posts to see if anything there would be helpful. Ah yes, the mother who bought a huge gift and then turned around and cancelled it and you cried for hours. I would like to know what changed between then and now that you are considering being more open to her?

I would like to say, whatever did change: There is no need to make any decision right now. I'm sensing a lot of pressure on you because of this. Your life is about to majorly change and your body is going to be moving from being a mother in one mode to being one in another mode for the very first time. It is hugely stressful all on its own. You have every right to decide your mother can wait until you are good and certain what is best for you and your daughter before even considering testing out the emotional roller coaster that is sure to be relaxing your boundary with your mother. She can wait. Even for a photo of the baby. If she is capable of being a good grandmother, she will still be capable of it in a little while or a big while. Her reaction to being asked to allow you to put your baby first will tell you a great deal. She can wait indefinitely. Baby will be here any day and SHE is the one deserving of your attention and your best self.

If the reasons are anything adjacent to Fear, Obligation, or Guilt, they are not good reasons.

I don't want to do the wrong thing by keeping our daughter away from a grandparent that appears to be "trying,"

Unless there is something I'm missing this is all of those.

From what you write, you do not trust your mother still and you have very good reason for this. I encourage you to trust yourself. You write a whole list of what you think the motives are likely to be and all of that points to NoPE.

I think it would be very natural to have a lot of grief about your own mother come up as you enter your own journey of motherhood, whether your mother is involved in the background or not. It's naturally a time when you are looking inward and you are vulnerable.

I 1000% admit to being very biased here, because I have lived this too. I am NC and going to remain so. I have also lived through enough PD shenanigans around giving birth to last me ten lifetimes. I suggest you and your DH get real clear on why you made the choice you did and what it would take for you to feel safe and that it would be to YOUR benefit to get back in contact again. As TimetoHeal wrote, you do not have any obligation to give more chances to someone who has broken your trust so completely. I also think it would be your mother's responsibility to demonstrate genuine change. Test #1: Accepting your decisions and your boundaries.

[Penny20657]

Oh I just recently went through this with my 3rd child. My mom left me a vm to say she's having surgery and needs to talk to me, little did she know I had my baby early, so I sent her a pic of baby because I felt like she should know. Well don't you know she came to my house next day (we didn't answer the door) and left me a tearful vm. So, to me, this definitely seems like she's trying to "weasel her way back in" by buying gifts for the baby. I know my own mother would just pretend like nothing had happened, no apologies were necessary, the past is in the past. Only you can decide if that's what YOU want. My thought has always been I don't want my daughters to think it's ok for someone to treat me or anyone else the way she treats me. You don't owe her a relationship with your child just because she's the grandma. I've personally had contact from her again since that visit that I have just ignored. I think at this time I don't regret sending her the picture, only because I felt it was the "right thing to do" to clear my conscience, not because I wanted "her" to know.

Congratulations on your little girl, and all the best with your delivery and postpartum! Girls are the best  Just a little heads up that the postpartum hormones may bring up some strong emotions about your mother too.

[Cenerentola]

I think Time to Heal is right that it can be hard to predict what will happen -- though Cordelia is also right to point to past history as being a good place to start guessing from. 


From my pov, fwiw, my updm complained for years that we were too far away for her to get to know the kids.  Now that we are closer, what I've seen are desultory attempts to play with them, to teach them little things, some birthday and Christmas presents, and some outings that we do together when she feels like doing the public thing.  That's not nothing for the kids, but it is not a rich and vibrant relationship, mostly because the things that are hard for most pds -- being able to listen to others and accept them for who and where they are -- are also hard/impossible for my mom. So she still doesn't "really" know my kids (anymore than she really knows me).

I think this is oftentimes what a "best-case" relationship with a PD parent can look like.  Weigh that against the cost to yourself (which it sounds like would be significant).

Also, is there anything on that "grandparent duties" list that you, your husband, a kindly friend or neighbor, a church buddy, couldn't supply?

Agreed also that this does not need to be a "right now" decision.