First Post - NC with Mother and Family Therapy

[beachwaves]

Hi all,

This is my first post on here and looking for community in dealing with sister who is diagnosed BPD and my mother who shows clear signs of NPD. I have been LC/NC with my mother since October 2024 after a traumatizing year of planning my wedding. I had to uninvite her twice due to her abuse towards me, my sister, my father, and my now husband. She apologized enough to get an invite, but when push came to shove, nothing really has changed and she has shown me that time and time again, so I finally had to make the decision for space/NC in the fall.

Long story short, my family is very dysfunctional and, while some family members are supportive of me taking space and healing, they are now getting angsty about if I will ever 'return' to the family and want me to do therapy with my mother. My mom has reached out many times to check in over the last 6ish months but I do not respond or respond very surface level.

I wanted to get some advice about how other's therapy experience with people who have NPD/BPD have gone/what to expect. I feel so much pain and anxiety in our family dynamic but also want some closure and feel like I need to have my day in court with them.

Thank you all!

[bloomie]

beachwaves - my apologies for the late welcome! I am thankful you have found the community and appreciate you sharing a bit of what brings you to Out of the FOG.

It sounds like things have been seriously hard within your family, and especially with your mother, for a very long time. No one goes NC/LC with a parent, or family system, unless there is simply no other path to peace and stability in their own lives. I sense the pain of estrangement between the lines of your post.

It is understandable that extended family wants the whole system intact. Sadly, it seems that has become untenable for you in regards to your mother's consistently harmful choices over time.

Healing is on YOUR timeline. And taking the space you need is good, valuable self care.

No one here can tell you what to do, but I can say that it is common wisdom that therapy with a NPD person is not usually recommended and can do further harm.

Here is a great article that lays out the traits common in those with NPD tendencies and how those traits distort and undermine the therapeutic environment and possibly bring more harm.

Should You Take Your Narcissistic Parent to Family Therapy?

On a personal experience level, I can testify to sitting week after week in the therapist's office watching and listening to a family member with uNPD dominate the narrative and compel the therapist's responses and focus to be on them, almost entirely. It was harmful for me to be a shadow in the room.

Joint therapy requires cooperation and negotiation on levels I have yet to see a person with NPD traits be able to engage in. It also requires honesty and self examination.

My two pennies are from my own experience, therapy for me alone in order to find healing from N abuse was the most productive thing I could do.

Whatever you choose, we are here. Please keep sharing and coming back as you are able.