I can’t maintain boundaries due to flying monkey sibling, extremely anxious

[lilo8]

Hello all,

My dad who I believe either has BPD or NPD (maybe both ) and is an alcoholic has ruled over my life with an iron fist. I'm 30 and my life is very small compared to my peers because my dad is terrified at letting go of control and allowing me to have a life of my own. I have been in a FOG cycle for my whole life. He's nearly beaten up my ex boyfriends, screamed and shouted at me for being on a date and "still" being out at 6pm (!!!) I was 20 when that happened. He calls me all the time and needs to know where I am at all times, if I try to go somewhere without telling him my sibling will let dad know. so I have pretty much given up on a life because it's not worth the abuse.

The problem I'm having right now is, he's an alcoholic and is now disabled due to strokes from his alcoholism and needs a lot of my help and I am under pressure to do more than I am capable of  by family (I have  a severe chronic pain condition, CFS, CPTSD and a panic disorder).  my sibling, who is the golden child and is deeply enmeshed with my dad and won't hear a bad word against him, is the worst flying monkey closely followed my dads sister. 

My dad is needing an operation and after the op he will need to be cared for 24 hours 7 days a week for maybe 3 weeks. My sibling says it has to be ME to look after him because I am not working (due to my poor health!!) and he works full time so can't do it. I told my sibling that I am not going to be able to do it, and will need to put dad into a hospital for a few weeks and sibling went into orbit.
"I'm not putting my dad into a facility!! No way, never!!" and that is how the conversation was left. I am truly terrified because I know it will make me physically ill to care for my dad and also mentally, because I'll have to put up with him drinking (I avoid him when he drinks as a rule as he is so nasty and it triggers my CPTSD).

I don't know what to do. I'm truly stumped and dealing with so many emotions. I would really appreciate any words of wisdom. Thank you 

[TimetoHeal]

Hi, lilo8,

Welcome to the forum.  I am so sorry you are dealing with this, and have been dealing with it for your whole life.  I am so sorry it has taken its toll on your mental and physical health.  So many here, myself included, can relate.

First of all, I want to say it is in no way your fault that your father is in the predicament he is in.  That is all on him and his choosing to drink. It sounds like he even continues to drink, even though it is slowly killing him.  I hope you will find the strength within yourself not to take him into your home and become his caretaker.  You are correct in saying it will affect you mentally and physically, very negatively.  It sounds like your sibling is not wanting to work with you to find a more suitable placement for your father, and that is unfortunate, but that's also not your fault.  Your father is going to have to figure this out himself. He is a grown man and he is responsible for himself. 

Second, you say that you can't set boundaries, but you can.  It just will be very difficult at first and be something neither you nor your family members is used to you doing.  For example, you state very clearly, "I will not be caring for dad after his surgery", and then you stick to that. If your sibling or your father become verbally abusive, you refuse to listen anymore.  You hang up, you walk away, and if necessary, you block their number if they continue to harass you.  Remember, boundaries are what you state YOU are going to do, not what others will or won't do, because you can't control another person. 

Finally, it sounds like your father and sibling need to be put on an information diet.  What that means if you haven't read in the toolbox or elsewhere is that you don't feed them information that they can use against you.  It sounds like your sibling knows much more than he needs to about your whereabouts, and is giving this information to your father.  It's time to stop telling him anything about what you do or who you do it with if he can't be trusted with the information. 

If you haven't already, definitely take a look at the Toolbox! It seems like you are newly coming Out of the FOG, and all the information you can get will be critical and helpful!  Keep posting here!  We're here for you and rooting for you. 

[JR]

lilo8 this sounds like the situation i may find myself in my brother severe narc had a stroke due to neglecting his own health and at sometime i fear my other sibling and family will force me into a caretaker situation against my will because they are passing the buck as usual. at this time im caregiving a narc mother and the brother is the golden child and gets anything he wants. i fear my life will be blown up even more along with my dwindling finances and another hit to my health.

[Happypants]

Hi lilo8.  You don't mention whether you live with your dad, but I'm assuming you do and that if you give in to full-time caregiving duties, that will set the precedence for future opportunities to pressurise you into doing more than you can.

I don't live with my parents but I live nearer than my (decent) GC sibling who can do no wrong.  One of my parents had a hospital stay during covid and subsequent mobility issues which could have meant more support required.  My sibling, for the first time ever, told me on no uncertain terms that it would need to be ME to step in (they live 20 mins away, have teenagers and worked full time).  I felt I had no right to decline but it shone a light on where I stood (and still stand), and how I'm treated within my family.  BUT, I also have health issues: balance/disequilibrium which resulted in me leaving my job 15 years ago; a CFS-type illness which began during a stressful time in which they played a huge part; C-ptsd symptoms; anxiety.  There was no way that I could commit to what I thought they needed - luckily, her mobility wasn't the issue we all thought it would be so I wasn't needed too much.

My point - my health issues which had had a negative and restrictive impact on my life long before the above situation weren't suddenly going to disappear because they needed me.  I hadn't been vocal enough about my health issues.  I kept them small just as I'd gradually put myself in a box when I was around them.  Their medical issues, GC sibling's life information, even my parents friends' stories and circumstances became what we talked about.  But I ended up suffering from putting them on too much of an information diet as my issues no longer existed to them.  My health was one of the things I should have been more vocal about (which I'm sure my mother would have woven into some useful narrative  ).  You know that you need to put yourself first here, as whatever health issues you're dealing with, you know there's a chance this situation will only exacerbate them.  "I'm not putting my dad into a facility!! No way, never!!" - "Fair enough.  So what are WE going to do about this then??  I have {insert health issues} and that hasn't changed so I won't be looking after him full time."  Ultimately, it doesn't matter whether anyone takes your issues seriously, but physical and mental health are the two most important reasons to say "no".   

[bloomie]

lilo8 - hello! What a no win situation you are facing. I am so sorry for the struggle life is with your family of origin dynamics due to your father's grave issues.

Some practical thoughts about what you do have control over:
Your time and energy and how you spend it
Accèss to you via your phone
Your yes and your no
Your beliefs about yourself
What role you choose to play in your family dynamic
Where, and with whom you spend your time
Where you live
Your healing and recovery from complex childhood trauma
Examining where you are acting from fear, obligation, and guilt

And so much more that is yours to control, understand, be responsible for that belongs to you. Not your brother, your father, and aunt.

A great help for your healing and wellbeing might be to find an Alanon group and gain insights and support
found here: https://al-anon.org

Another thought is to talk with the medical social worker, caregivers for your father before, during, after surgery making it very clear you are unable to care for your father post op and they will need to find placement for his rehab and recovery. You can contact them and have these conversations privately without your sibling's approval and presence.

I have faced this situation 3 times with abusive elders who needed post op or long term care. I have faced down the GC brother who insisted I was the only one in the entire family that could and would care for the elder in my home. He was insistent that 'his' parent was not going to a rehab or care center.

I had to value myself enough to be get comfortable being viewed as an ungrateful, selfish daughter. I was viewed as the sibling (there are several of us) whose life was deemed the one to be disrupted entirely.

The truth, from my own experience, is that no one is coming to rescue you from this bind or these outrageous expectations of you. You may find an advocate to stand with you in other family members or a medical advocate, but your time to stand and say no, even if your knees are shaking, is most likely now.

Sending you every good strength and hoping you will keep coming back for support! Let us know how you are doing as you are able.

[mary_poppins]

Lilo8,

I am sorry that you've found yourself in your situation. Your dad is very controlling. You're 30 and he shouldn't need to know where you are, what you do and especially with who you're hanging out. He acts as if you're still a baby in need of control and discipline.
I empathize with panic disorder and cPTSD. I had panic disorder way back in the past but I manage to heal it with therapy and meds. I really hope you could do something about this condition. Ordinary life gets tough when you're struggling with panic attacks.

As for your sibling..
It is obvious they are enmeshed with your dad. They can't see the abusive personality hiding underneath the 'dad' persona. It may be that they're in denial-however, that is NOT your fault or concern or responsibility. What I would do is set boundaries with this sibling because they cause you a lot of anxiety. They may not respect the boundary but that's ok. Look up grey rock with difficult people (is your sibling on the NPD/BPD spectrum?) Grey rock with the dad and sibling and think about how you can set some boundaries WHILE you're in this difficult situation.

You living with the family I assume (?) There is a lot that could be done here-grey rock, yellow rock (look up Dr Ramani's yellow rock) and information diet. I use information diet and grey rock like crazy and it has worked perfectly.

As for taking care of your dad. I am by profession a caretaker for older, sicker adults. Caretaking is an extremely exhausting job but I like to do it because the elders I care for are nice, grateful and the majority are not PD. I can't imagine caring for someone with a personality disorder-the work would orobably be double or triple hard. Are there any government programs you can apply to get money to hire a live-in caregiver (this is ideal because they will help your dad 24/7 and you won't have to do anything at all)
or a caregiver who comes once a day for 4 or 5 days a week to look after your dad?

Or maybe your sibling can churn out the money to pay for a live in nurse/caregiver?
You also have the option of a nursing home but from what I've seen, those homes are very expensive-and not all of them are good. Depending where u live..