Filing in two days.

[Ann]

We are still in same house and I am trying so hard to stay away, but she follows me around and constantly asks "why it's so easy for me".
Of course it's not but I'm so done with it all that I'm not crying or upset. I'm just counting the days when we can be apart. Have to sell house first. We do have an apartment in same property that I could move to so I may do that after we file.

[MaxedOut]

We're here with you Ann. It is hard to not get hooked by statements like that. My ex was a very frequent user of statements about me that were typically very far off. I am pretty sure that was in the mix along with stuff like "you don't care" "you wish I was dead" etc. It's so hard because I wanted to dispel that feeling for her, what an awful thing to feel, and because it's not true and defending or clarifying is a natural impulse. I remember a "penny drop" realization when she was splitting on my best friend and I said something that was intended as reassuring like "I know she cares about you."

It set my ex off about me "throwing her under the bus and taking the other person's side like always." With a little probing I came to realize that what I think of as reassurance at times like that was not actually comforting to her. It was important to her that it be true in that moment that the person never cared about her. Or that it was "easy for me" to do whatever.

I can't speak for you or her perceptions and framing but it sounds like it is quite hard. And being questioned is making it harder. I am glad you have an available alternative. I definitely learned to enforce some boundaries about repeatedly being told stuff like that and not being listened to (e.g., "It's not easy for me. I have already told you that. I'm not ok with you continuing to tell me what you think I'm feeling and accusing me of things that aren't true. I won't continue this conversation.")

[Ann]

Thank you so much. You explained it perfectly. It's exhausting to constantly be told what and how I'm thinking. On the other hand it reinforces that I'm doing the right thing. 12 years of her splitting on me and I am now seeing it so clearly.
Thanks to this forum.

[MaxedOut]

Yeah, many others had different experiences but my ex very much reinforced that I was doing the right thing following me leaving, LOL. Vividly, clearly, frequently.

Especially at first (got over 100 texts, 50 calls with many very mean voicemails, about a dozen emails). Instead of believing what I told her, and had been telling her, etc. she landed on the belief I must be cheating. Sigh. And posted that to social media that morning (which I only discovered a month or more after as she took it down pretty quickly but I still keep finding out about more people who saw the post).

She had more regulated communications when the dust settled, but nothing like understanding/acknowledgement of abuse or why I left, no love bombing, etc. 

As you mention, the seeing it clearly is huge. And to large extent you can't unsee it after. It is nice once physically separated just to have that ability to create space and time before responding to communications (and maybe not responding to ones that are just lashing out, or accusations, or attempts to emotionally control).

Especially if she has been following you around! That urgency+black-and-white+disregulation has often meant we've been in stress/crisis response mode much of the time and largely thinking about our response on terms of their reaction.

[MaxedOut]

Oh, and on the subject of reactions/feelings, don't let that get in your head. We have gone through a lot and usually hung on and tried and tried for so much longer than was healthy.

I am just now having some of the normal sort of relationship grieving (like getting choked up seeing a memento from a trip or missing sharing some new season of junk TV). It's taken over six months for there to be space for that.

I had a fair amount of sadness and worry for her, icky feelings about leaving, sadness/grief/trauma about what I'd been through, and lots of really good feelings about rescuing myself, being out from harm, reconnecting with others after isolation, etc. A lot of stuff like that, but not just that simple, typical post breakup swell of emotion remembering something good, seeing a photo, finding an object, etc.

A big thing the first few months was really getting how much all of it was. Going through tons of possessions was mostly a Pandora's box of memories about totally unpredictable freak outs, anger episodes, ways things needed to be done, etc. I expected some stuff to be really triggering to my nervous system and those things were but not to the extent I predicted. But there were so many little random things that did it or caught me off guard.

I think I am glad some of the usual breakup ache is happening now. It has zero components of regret, second guessing, etc. I don't like the idea of so many years of my life in relationship being a pile of healing, bad memories, and being "so done with it all" as you captured it so well. Plus, you know, we are not the black and white thinkers or the splitters.

I hope the filing goes well.

[Ann]

Thank you so much!
So true once you see it you can't unsee it.
Filing went really smoothly.
I'd imagine I will be the same in regards to feeling it more once the dust settles. Right now I'm grey rocking so much that I will need a lot of time to dig myself out.

So grateful for you and the rest of this forum.

A.

[MaxedOut]

I am glad to hear the update Ann! It is a relief to have any of the steps in the process go smoothly.

And grey rocking is a good way to weather things and stay steady. You did it - I hope there is some pride in there for yourself in taking such a big and hard step for yourself!