Leaving a partner after going NC with family?

[Therivercontinueson]

Hi all, I hope everyone is happy and thriving. I have a bit of a weird one, but thought people here might relate and understand more than others...

I went NC with my whole FOO nearly two years ago now (hard to believe how quickly time has flown by)... It feels like as soon as I cut them out, the rest of life rushed in quickly to fill the space.

Not long after, so many things in my life opened up, applying to grad school, getting my first professional job, no more craziness from family etc. Things improved greatly, but at the same time, life got really really hard, and a lot fell apart very fast.

My mentor/positive parental figure and my beloved pet both died in traumatic ways, I lost my job, I suffered a traumatic brain injury and concussion, I developed another severely painful health condition that went untreated for two years due to waiting lists here, my partner suffered an ongoing stressful event with extended family, he was also diagnosed with a disability, I dealt with stalking and threats from my parents, I lost a best friend, I am dealing with paying off debt from the money I spent getting out from under my parents financial control, and not to mention additional political and social stress due to some marginalised groups my partner and I are a part of, on top of being generally underemployed and worrying about money due to being youngish.

Unfortunately, all of this stress has taken a major toll on the both of us. I am so, so tired, and as I have no family support me any more, I have had to work through pain and disability (I am not eligible for disability benefits here) as I have had to pay for private medical treatment. My partner is a grad student, and doesn't want to work otherwise. The problem is we are both so miserable and it has become that we can no longer stand each other's company. I am stressed, but he has become so incredibly moody, depressed, and quite frankly rude. Even with everything happening, I try to find joy in life and what makes it worth living, but I don't think he can anymore. He gets upset at me frequently, we are never intimate, he rolls his eyes at things I say, and if I am feeling sad or nervous or anything, he ignores me and is not supportive emotionally.

You can see where this is going, but I am not sure if I want it to end it not. I cannot tell if he has qualities like my parents that I have sought out subconsciously (he wasn't like this at all for the 4 years before I went NC and all the stress happened), or if the relationship will improve as life improves if we give it more time, or if the relationship simply took too much stress the past two years and just can no longer survive.

I don't know if I want out of the relationship or if I want out of this terrible two years we went through. I am 33 and feel I have a lot of life ahead of me, but imagining stepping out on my own without a partner or family, and in a foreign country, seems impossible - I would have no one to turn to, and I am barely holding it together. I feel I am stuck. My partner is my only support, and his family helps us out once in a while if needed. But I can't take it anymore, there is not a shred of happiness left in my relationship and I can't help but have hope that if I leave, at least I can try again. I'd be starting from a more informed place - when I got with my partner I was deep in the FOG, and now 6 years later I feel I am a different person.

I just don't know if it is the stress from the last 2 years that is more the problem, (as I know it will mostly likely follow me if I leave) or if waiting it out will help? But at the same time, I feel things have accumulated so much that the relationship just can't take it anymore, and I feel constantly let down, disliked, and that it just needs to end.

I am also aware that I have diagnosed CPTSD from my FOO, and on the one hand, I can stay in bad relationships too long, and on the other, I can tend towards the negative and think things are more terrible than they are (and feel I need to solve them RIGHT NOW).

I know that sometimes things change in ways you can't imagine when leaving a relationship, but given how vulnerable I am right now I don't know if it is going to make things better or worse for me. I was thinking to maybe go stay with a friend for the summer, to at least get some space to think about how I'm going to pick up all these pieces while being away from the relationship stress, which isn't helping my mental state/CPTSD/decision making.

I guess any advice from people, especially anyone older than me with more experience, would help me a lot. Thanks everyone

[Call Me Cordelia]

Wow, that is so much, TRCO. I'm so sorry to hear you have had such a time of it, but I do pray that these two years do act as a forest fire that makes way for all the beautiful fresh new growth.

Gosh it's really impossible for me to tell you what to do here, but if you do have a place to go for a while and have a mental reset, the peace you need to find clarity on what your next steps are, that seems like a really good idea from this side of the screen. Sometimes it takes so much time just to get de-adrenalized from constant stress that we have a hard time even getting to where we can THINK about what we truly desire vs. just getting through the days.

[GoodPesto]

How strong you are, incredible. I have the same thoughts like CMC. The opportunity to remove yourself from the situation for some time sounds like a good one. With some distance you might get some more clarity on how to answer your questions. Your thought process is completely understandable and summed up it sounds like you're not sure if things could become even worse if you seperate. I'd be curious to know how your health changes during a summer with a friend.

[TimetoHeal]

Bless your heart.  You have endured some major losses and blows the last few years.  Any person would be struggling under the weight of all that.  I am so sorry.

I think a good therapist could help you unpack a lot of this and work through what is what and help you make a plan as to what could improve your life, whether than means ending your relationship or not.  I would recommend individual therapy for you and perhaps couples therapy for the both of you if you decide you want to work on the relationship and your partner feels the same.  Your partner probably needs individual therapy as well, but you can only choose for yourself. 

It is very common for those of us who grow up in dysfunctional families to choose dysfunctional partners.  There are many of us on the forums here who have dealt with PD parents, siblings, spouses, friends, coworkers, bosses, and even our own children.  I divorced a narcissist 13 years ago, and I am trying to learn to deal with my elderly narcissistic/borderline mother.  It's tough to look around and realize all or most of the people you relied on are not healthy.

Because your situation is so delicate with your health and finances, and because you've been through so much in the last few years, I would do some digging and thinking things through with a trusted therapist before making big life-changing decisions.  You've been through lots of changes already.  If you find you need to end the relationship, you need to have as many supports in place as possible - financial, social, mental, housing, etc. 

Glad you found us here for support as well!