When is their behavior simply mean and abusive

[Prototypian]

I live with a uOCPD severe spouse.   We are in our 50s.  Three kids in college or graduated and approaching retirement.   I have become simply exhausted by the combination of need for control and absolute anger when her need for control isn't followed.   I don't have the time in life to worry about every direction, every sign, every instruction, and understand the ramifications for every option of parking.   We literally took an extra 40 minutes driving around and around on vacation positively petrified of where to park.   She CAN NOT handle letting someone else drive.   Her greatest fear is that someone might not follow the "rules" and her level of anger on this can ruin the full day for an entire group of people.   I have started and run two companies, I have a PhD in applied math and a MBA and I'm on the boards of companies and universities.  I can park a blasted truck at a coffee shop.   

When we travel she is petrified about the rules of getting on or off the plane.  Not the rules of TSA but unwritten rules about how luggage goes in the overhead bin or how to stand up and get in the flow of people in the aisle to deplane.   She gets physically and emotionally angry at me if I stand and get my bag down and get ready to step into the aisle as the people move out of their seats into the aisle to leave.   I asked and her statement which is normal is "I don't like bullies and people who rush off and try to get ahead of other people and are rude".  Except it's the normal flow.  As the seats in front of you exit you step out.   She makes up these things all the time as some set of rules to live by and I just can't handle it anymore.   It would be fine to say "just stand and go and let her deal" but the level of anger and emotional mean behavior is enough to ruin any interaction for months with the grudge she holds.    Today someone honked at her while we were driving and I swear the anger is still there at that person because "they were wrong."   This crap is so continuous.   

She is so angry at former political opponents that the vile way she describes them reminds me of how one would think bad of a thief or murderer.   

Has this just gone too far for it to ever be fixed?

[Breadroll]

It is ironic, like many people here, being competent and respected in work - somehow getting stuck in these relationship binds- trying to work it out, a puzzle to solve.  Everyone's situation is different, but perhaps give yourself permission to do whatever you need to do for peace. Be your own best friend.
In the tool box there are the three Cs- you didn't cause it, can't cure it, can't control it.
In my situation this was a revelation- and the beginning of road to freedom.

[Call Me Cordelia]

 

If it is able to be fixed, it won't be by you. She has to see the problem and then do the work.

I will say self-righteous anger fuels the pwOCPD like nothing else in my experience. It's like a drug they need to get through life. If they were to give that up, then they themselves might be... in the wrong! Inconceivable.