Been a While, Wondered When I’d arrive at This Topic!

[looloo]

Hi everyone, it's been ages since I've posted, although I have checked in from time to time.  That's probably a sign that I've made a bit of progress.

My malignant Nmother passed away almost a month ago, at the age of 94 (and a half, but who's counting 😉).  Like most with our experiences, the immediate and overwhelming feeling was relief.  It had been more than 15 years of ever increasing (though long distance) caregiving for her ever declining health (dementia primarily).  The last several months/weeks/days were a frantic blur of status updates, symptoms, scrambling for more medical care, etc.

When she was officially put on hospice, my main worry was that she would rally and possibly continue existing but no longer living indefinitely. I also fretted about possible pressure to go to her on her deathbed-I dreaded being physically in her presence. Thankfully neither occurred. She died a few days later, I received a call from her facility that morning, probably within minutes of their going to check on her. 

My anxiety then pivoted to "I have to sound sad, I have to sound tearful."  The person who notified me was crying!  I actually began to comfort her, apologizing if I sounded "a bit robotic."  It threw me off a little, but my mother went through her life seemingly very decent and kind, a "sweet old lady."  Anyway, I didn't have it in me AT ALL to fake any sadness or grief.  I didn't jump for joy or anything-just incredible relief that this long, stressful, painful chapter was over.

I've received some lovely expressions of sympathy from folks, and although they assume I must be grieving, their reaching out has been so lovely.  I've been eating up the virtual hugs as if it's something I've been deprived of for ages, and that is kind of true.

She did have some assets, so the new chapter now involves me settling things as soon as possible. My brother and his wife are particularly impatient, and so doing this involves boundaries galore.  But I am SO SO glad that the decade and a half of worry over caregiving is now over.

Anyway, just wanted to say hello from the other side!  And thank you for this community.  You've helped me immensely over the years.  YOU GET IT!!!  And that means everything 🤗

[JenniferSmith]

Looloo, thank you for sharing your story here about the final chapter of your mother's life. I think it helps folks who come to a forum like this to read about the process, as we may not find that we can talk openly with some folks in our lives about this stuff.  Having responsibility, of any type, for someone living with dementia, is extremely taxing, and then to have the history you had, it adds a whole other layer. I can only imagine the sense of relief and closure you are feeling. As folks here know, we might not miss a PD parent after they die. We might just feel relief. And that is perfectly ok. We're allowed to feel how we feel about it.

As someone who went through the process of a non-pd (but very complicated relationship) parent's decline and then death, and then an estate and dealing with a sibling who I don't have a good relationship with, I will say that you can trust that at some point the process of sorting the estate will be completely finished. For myself, I found that was when I felt a true finality to all of it. Dealing with my sibling was the most stressful element honestly.  But its now 100% over and it was like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.

I hope you will reach that sense of ease and peace soon too.

[looloo]

Thank you so much JenniferSmith for your reply and your story!  This is the first Mother's Day - ever, probably- that I am completely at ease.  No FOG about gifts, contact, any of it.  Just some memories of how difficult and stressful and painful (and sometimes mortifying) the day could be.  It is a true joy to be on the other side of this.  I know we will all get there someday.

[Mary]

Thanks for sharing looloo. Your description of comforting the caregiver is similar to what I'm experiencing with the passing of my FIL. He was loved by so many, and many in-laws are in such grief. But I was such a target and had to walk on egg shells around him for so many years, probably because of lies that had been told about me. It is a relief to not have to worry about that negative influence in my marriage any longer. I'm glad you made it to the finish line and are experiencing relief.
Mary