Hello all, I turned father and got kicked out by the BPD!

[spruces2]

Hi everyone,

I'm a university student dealing with a challenging co-parenting situation involving my (three weeks old) baby. I'm navigating complex communication dynamics with lots of drama, manipulation and so on.. trying to establish a healthy relationship with my son.

Background: One year ago I become father for the first time, also with the same woman (who has BPD). Unfortunately, my first son passed away after two days, which still hurts a lot. After that I did not want to become father again.. however I still did. My then GF knew but she tricked me into that. I then decided to break up with her but she never really accepted it. She really did a LOT of crazy stuff. It feels like whenever I think 'now it can not become any worse..' she proofs me wrong!

Currently:
-She played a voice memo of her therapist to convince me I was wrong about how much I supported her or not (I came to visit her twice a day, every day!)
-She is now in a relationship with a guy she met from tinder, which is a good thing for me I guess
-She kicked me out completely out of the whole thing completely random (instrumentalisation of me seeing the baby)
-She called for an 'emergency' -> I helped her -> she recorded me whilst helping in this emergency -> I decided to leave this dynamic, and blocked her on all communication channels -> she came to visit me with the baby in my apartment ->
-Now, she is suing me for money.. although I spent my whole fortune on this matter..

I have a therapist advising me to stay away from her.. but it is hard because of the newborn, knowing this little guy needs his father. Besides, governement, police and so on.. noone.. not even her the psychiatrist seems to understand the real dynamics.

Whenever I say no.. there is something in my life braking (she sends information to third parties completely randomly to destroy my life). Even though she is doing some illegal stuff i decided not to participate in this dynamic, but it is very hard.

I really loved her and now it is really hard on the one to understand that I can not change her and on the other all the new events that are going on and I have to react to that.. it is really energy consuming!

Looking forward to learning from your experiences and insights. Anyone experiencing similar stuff?

Thanks for having me here.

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group @spruces2

first of all, my condolences on the loss of your firstborn.  it's a loss for both you and the mom and as grief knows no timeline, could be contributing to what is going on with the birth of your second child.

coparenting can be difficult even when the parents have a reasonable relationship-  please make sure you are speaking to someone who can offer legal advice as well because whatever practices get established now may be hurdles and hoops you are jumping through for the next 18 years.

lastly, having some emotional support IRL is also valuable-  please keep working with that therapist you mentioned and make sure you document document document if you are concerned your child is in dangerous situations based on the choices his mother is making.

please do check out the co-parenting board
Co-parenting and Secondary Relationships

be gentle with yourself as you try to figure all this out- remember, what you do now sets the tone for the rest of your son's childhood.