Reducing contact after moving out is impossible

mary_poppins · May 27, 2025, 07:28:27 PM

Hi. I moved out of my parents' home (went straight to a new country) and although things are not that great, it's nice not to have them around. However, I started calling them more often since I've been moving out because I have no other support. These two people are so horrific that instead of providing support and compassion, they criticize me for whatever thing that happens to me.

BTW there are many things here that do not work for me and I have no support here. Ex-it's hard to get around here without a car and I don't know how to get buses; it's hard to open a bank account; I need to find an apartment to move to but I can't go around to see places because I don't have a car and don't know how to use buses to get to places, etc.

I want to go no contact with them but I if things go south in the new country, I need to go back to my country. Of course, I don't need to go back living with them but they're an option. You know?

Overall, my main problems are:

Wanting to go no contact but can't now
Lack of support in the new country
Not having accommodation and fearing I'll need to go back living with them because i don't want to be homeless

I thought about going back to my country but to another city. However, wouldn't I be doing the same thing? I'll still have no support, I'll still need accommodation, and I'll still rely on them for emotional support or advice.

Right now, I just want to pause my life and die a bit because I don't want to deal with anything that's happening

Please give any tips on HOW to get emotional support for my current situation AND to be strong enough to lower contact and eventually cut them off.

Liketheducks · May 27, 2025, 08:23:14 PM

Aw love....my husband did this before I met him. He moved countries with a suitcase. When I met him I thought he was the bravest man I'd ever met...or also a little crazy. I dated him through this chaos...but ya know how we children of dysfunctional families love the chaos. You have support here. Embrace the suck. You are SO brave.

What inspired you to move?

GoodPesto · May 28, 2025, 08:06:22 AM

Hi Mary Poppins,

if you do not know how to take buses, there is always the possibilty to learn it. Go, ask around. What you could do with regard to accommodation is check for backpacker accommodation nearby and ask, if they have space for someone who would love to work to stay there (it's mostly cleaning deals, around 2hours a day for free accommmodation or free accommodation and food for 4/h per day) ... there is a website called workaway.com that lists other oportunities to stay in a foreign country on a shoestring. Great side effect: You meet plenty of new people.
Although it might feel you only have to options (make it there or go back to your folks), there are plenty more. Once you are connected to fellow travellers your drive to call home will subside as it is not nourishing anyway.
Take good care and enjoy the distance!

moglow · May 28, 2025, 10:18:35 AM

Building a new life - how exciting for you! It's a new world, one where you can be and do whatever you choose, being responsible to and for yourself. This is a GOOD thing, really. While I understand the fears and doubts, maybe you can work towards reframing those to see the positives. From what you've shared, it doesn't seem your family was all that supportive or understanding in the past - I can see where frequent phone calls with them [however familiar] could hold you back and emphasize your fears. Nothing against them, that's their stuff. Know that yours doesn't have to be the same.

Not sure how you got where you are but I'm sure bus schedules are posted either on their signs and/or referring you to a website with schedules. Study that and map out how to get where you need to go. Read about your chosen city, maybe get a map and see what's going on in your new community. Get basics in place and go from there - consider shared housing or renting a room. They don't have to be your best friends, but a place to begin. Talk to the people you work with, get some guidance on where to go [or not]. Maybe get a couple of different types of jobs, both to be out and about and to see what appeals to you.

You have to first rely on and trust yourself. What I hope you'll see is that life doesn't have to be black or white, good or bad, all or nothing. It's not homelessness or living with the parents - it's not constant contact or none at all. It's starting where you are and looking ahead to more, building a life where you're at the very least content and peaceful. You get to choose!

Adria · May 28, 2025, 10:37:24 AM

Mary Poppins,

Wow! I am so proud of you!!! Taking a leap of faith and making a move like this is quite gutsy. You can do this. It may take some time to figure out all the ins and outs of everything, but you will. And, you will also come to realize how strong and reliant you are. Be patient with yourself as you are learning all the new things. It will take some time. Some things will go smooth and some maybe a little bumpy, but that is okay. I'm so excited for your new life. I really hope you keep us posted on all the progress you make and the friends you make along the way. I'm rooting for you!

Tribe16 · May 28, 2025, 02:17:07 PM

Quote from: mary_poppins on May 27, 2025, 07:28:27 PMPlease give any tips on HOW to get emotional support for my current situation AND to be strong enough to lower contact and eventually cut them off.

Wow Mary Poppins, you are brave to move to a new country! You have a lot of things going on at once, I would try to "eat the elephant one bite at a time".

Do you have access to Facebook? There are lots of expat groups and digital nomad groups there. Is there one specific for the country you are in? They have them according to your demographic too - worth a look. (speaking as a former expat). Sometimes in those groups, they can direct you to other groups that will suit your needs. What about Meetup dot com? Put your city in the search and see what pops up. Rome2Rio dot com is a great site for timetables for busses and trains. Also don't rule out AI - ChatGPT or Google Gemini, ask them your questions. Here's a prompt to try: "I need specific and detailed step-by-step instructions for how to purchase tickets and navigate the bus system in (YOUR CITY HERE)"

Quote from: GoodPesto on May 28, 2025, 08:06:22 AMWhat you could do with regard to accommodation is check for backpacker accommodation nearby and ask, if they have space for someone who would love to work to stay there (it's mostly cleaning deals, around 2hours a day for free accommmodation or free accommodation and food for 4/h per day)

This is a great idea - check for any hostels, I'll bet you'll find some community there.

You don't have to have all the answers today, but what is the "next best decision" you can make for today's circumstance(s)? Pick that one or maybe two things and then do them. You sound like you need a win to boost your confidence. You've got this! You already did the hard thing which was leave home and set the course on your new life!

walking on broken glass · May 30, 2025, 04:06:40 AM

Hi Mary Poppins!
You are so brave and strong. Changes are hard to navigate, especially with a dysfunctional family of origin, but you will get there! New beginnings are difficult but you will settle in eventually and you won't feel this anxiety anymore. You will find your new routine.

I think it's important to try to establish a network of support where you are. You can try to join faacebook groups in your area, or start an activity that will help you meet people. Is anyone at work that you could socialize with and ask for advice about apartments etc? Could you carpool? Don't be afraid to ask for support! We tend to want to be self reliant and independent but there is nothing wrong in admitting you are struggling with certain things and asking the right people for advice. It is very important to remember that you are not alone in this, and your PD family is not your only source of support. Sending you strength and wishes.

mary_poppins · May 30, 2025, 05:39:42 AM

UPDATE: I WAS PANICKING FOR NOTHING. THINGS GOT BETTER.

I'll make a new post on the other forum about updates.

mary_poppins · May 31, 2025, 09:59:05 AM

Quote from: Liketheducks on May 27, 2025, 08:23:14 PMAw love....my husband did this before I met him. He moved countries with a suitcase. When I met him I thought he was the bravest man I'd ever met...or also a little crazy. I dated him through this chaos...but ya know how we children of dysfunctional families love the chaos. You have support here. Embrace the suck. You are SO brave.

What inspired you to move?

Aww nice to know your husband is brave and has done this too to escape. Thanks for the support.

mary_poppins · May 31, 2025, 10:00:45 AM

Quote from: Liketheducks on May 27, 2025, 08:23:14 PMAw love....my husband did this before I met him. He moved countries with a suitcase. When I met him I thought he was the bravest man I'd ever met...or also a little crazy. I dated him through this chaos...but ya know how we children of dysfunctional families love the chaos. You have support here. Embrace the suck. You are SO brave.

What inspired you to move?

Sincerely, I moved because I wanted to write my book-which is based in the country where I moved. That's it. Sounds a bit crazy but I like it. I'm going to visit the places my characters visited and it's exciting.

mary_poppins · May 31, 2025, 10:03:42 AM

Quote from: moglow on May 28, 2025, 10:18:35 AMBuilding a new life - how exciting for you! It's a new world, one where you can be and do whatever you choose, being responsible to and for yourself. This is a GOOD thing, really. While I understand the fears and doubts, maybe you can work towards reframing those to see the positives. From what you've shared, it doesn't seem your family was all that supportive or understanding in the past - I can see where frequent phone calls with them [however familiar] could hold you back and emphasize your fears. Nothing against them, that's their stuff. Know that yours doesn't have to be the same.

Not sure how you got where you are but I'm sure bus schedules are posted either on their signs and/or referring you to a website with schedules. Study that and map out how to get where you need to go. Read about your chosen city, maybe get a map and see what's going on in your new community. Get basics in place and go from there - consider shared housing or renting a room. They don't have to be your best friends, but a place to begin. Talk to the people you work with, get some guidance on where to go [or not]. Maybe get a couple of different types of jobs, both to be out and about and to see what appeals to you.

You have to first rely on and trust yourself. What I hope you'll see is that life doesn't have to be black or white, good or bad, all or nothing. It's not homelessness or living with the parents - it's not constant contact or none at all. It's starting where you are and looking ahead to more, building a life where you're at the very least content and peaceful. You get to choose!

Thank you.

The buses schedule and routes..i learned already. I was just too panicked in the beginning to want to find transportation so I relied on taxis-which is not a cheap option. I used journaling to calm myself down. To deal with fears. Those fears are there because of c-PTSD and many people have them. The fear of being abused/used/hurt is the worst because you need to interact with people when moving out. I'll think of therapy and shop for an affordable T.

mary_poppins · May 31, 2025, 10:05:20 AM

Quote from: Tribe16 on May 28, 2025, 02:17:07 PM
Quote from: mary_poppins on May 27, 2025, 07:28:27 PMPlease give any tips on HOW to get emotional support for my current situation AND to be strong enough to lower contact and eventually cut them off.

Wow Mary Poppins, you are brave to move to a new country! You have a lot of things going on at once, I would try to "eat the elephant one bite at a time".

Do you have access to Facebook? There are lots of expat groups and digital nomad groups there. Is there one specific for the country you are in? They have them according to your demographic too - worth a look. (speaking as a former expat). Sometimes in those groups, they can direct you to other groups that will suit your needs. What about Meetup dot com? Put your city in the search and see what pops up. Rome2Rio dot com is a great site for timetables for busses and trains. Also don't rule out AI - ChatGPT or Google Gemini, ask them your questions. Here's a prompt to try: "I need specific and detailed step-by-step instructions for how to purchase tickets and navigate the bus system in (YOUR CITY HERE)"

Quote from: GoodPesto on May 28, 2025, 08:06:22 AMWhat you could do with regard to accommodation is check for backpacker accommodation nearby and ask, if they have space for someone who would love to work to stay there (it's mostly cleaning deals, around 2hours a day for free accommmodation or free accommodation and food for 4/h per day)
This is a great idea - check for any hostels, I'll bet you'll find some community there.

You don't have to have all the answers today, but what is the "next best decision" you can make for today's circumstance(s)? Pick that one or maybe two things and then do them. You sound like you need a win to boost your confidence. You've got this! You already did the hard thing which was leave home and set the course on your new life!

Thanks. I will probably connect with expats. I forgot about this option. I used to do that in London and it helped a lot. There are many expat groups here I'm sure.