I’m feeling forced to make this decision

[Maria Pia]

 Hello everyone,

I'm struggling with my decision to go no contact. Long story short, I was no contact for years after being physically assaulted by my mom and psychologically mobbed by my family years ago. I was left shaking in my sleep night after night for several weeks(according to my husband).

When the pandemic happened I didn't hear anything from my parents and was worried since they were older. I eventually broke no contact and learned that my dad almost had died and despite having ways they could contact me (online physical mail) I was still left out of knowing that. I guess given the tension it's understandable, but it's been traumatic knowing they weaponize stuff like that.

At the time I thought it was worth it to try to be active in the family as far as it was possible for my mental health since knowing when and if people are dying prevents regret down the road.

Well, it's been years now of grinning and bearing it all, and now I realize that the entire time I was being digitally violated. Somehow my mother had hacked into my phone, probably years ago, and I now believe had remote access to my phone. I only realized after there were several dozen truly brazen moments of provocation where she quoted word for word private conversations I had had (not on my phone) in the privacy of my home, as well as other things like having watched every video I ever mentioned in conversation. The mathematical probability of that happening is lower than 1 in 10 billion according to mathematical calculations.

I have had to start over completely (digitally speaking) and I now know fully that she nor anyone in my family can ever have my personal contact information. This has been soul crushing.

I feel I have received my validation though when a relative (who never talks to me) reached out asking if I had a new phone after I ditched the other phone. At that point I hadn't told anyone that I was getting rid of that phone. This also most likely confirms that most people in my family are in on it.

So they basically forced me to go to contact. And now that I am, I have been contacted via socials that a loved one has been hospitalized. So, now, even though I know that this is most likely bait to pull me back in, I've been left worrying that this person is very ill. But I know that I have to go no contact with the entire family because they all enable each other and no one would respect having my contact information. And the digital abuse would happen all over again.

It just hurts so much. And, now on top of it I'm supposedly evil for not caring someone is ill. It's just so depressing.

[moglow]

I feel I have received my validation though when a relative (who never talks to me) reached out asking if I had a new phone after I ditched the other phone. At that point I hadn't told anyone that I was getting rid of that phone.

My immediate response:  Auntie cousin, what a very ODD question to ask! Of course I'm not ditching a phone. Why would you ask such a thing?? I'd let him/her bury themselves in that stupidity, and may they have joy of it.

Remember always, those were *their* choices, not yours. They violated your privacy and, more importantly, your trust. Good people don't do that. Go build your own family, people you love and can return your love. 

[GoodPesto]

Hi Maria Pia,

what a nightmare to wake up to. I am sorry you had to discover this and hope you have people around you to share this with who believe and support you.
I can also relate to your discovery of near-death-experiences being weaponized. After years of being tortured like this I completely let go of the wish to be informed to save my heart. Also, I prepare for the worst (the passing of someone significant will not be communicated, I will not get a chance to say goodbye and probably will be made miss funerals as accidental looking punishment for estrangement) because it's been shown often enough how I am being treated, and I have already tried: stating, asking and begging.
If you read around here in this forum, you might find some weird comfort in finding out this is unfortunately quite common.
I am sorry some of your loved ones is ill. Maybe you have a chance to get some info (which hospital e.g.) without sharing your new number. If you feel like reaching out take a few breaths and think creativly. If you know the city s/he lives in you could also call hospitals and ask to leave a message for a patient.

[Liketheducks]

OMG....that's SO violating.   I'm so very sorry.   I'm with moglow.   Tell them you're keeping the phone and watch them spin themselves into a tizzy.    How on EARTH did your mother do this?    That's terrifying.   

You aren't evil for "not caring about someone who is ill".   You are prioritizing your well being.   This is manipulative and toxic behavior on their part, not yours.   You must put the oxygen mask on yourself first, before helping others in a plane crash.   This sounds like a major crash to me.   IF they are in fact very, very ill....I'm sure you'll hear about it.   And, IF they ice you out as punishment, is this a relationship you really want to maintain?   

I find so much clarity in NC.   It has helped me to see the unhealthy behavior so much more clearly and give myself grace for enacting firmer boundaries around my own mental health.   You deserve SO much better from your family.   I'm so sorry.   

[Maria Pia]

You aren't evil for "not caring about someone who is ill".  You are prioritizing your well being.  This is manipulative and toxic behavior on their part, not yours.  You must put the oxygen mask on yourself first, before helping others in a plane crash.  This sounds like a major crash to me.  IF they are in fact very, very ill....I'm sure you'll hear about it.  And, IF they ice you out as punishment, is this a relationship you really want to maintain?     

This is so helpful to read. Thank you so much. I have been feeling really awful about going NC when this person is in the hospital, but you are absolutely right. If they ice me out, that's on them. I did ask that they stop sending their flying monkeys after me, but that wouldn't be justification for withholding critical information from me.

It's so weird how when you go no contact they will hunt you down, but once you ask them to respect your space the silence is deafening. 

[Maria Pia]

Hi Maria Pia,

what a nightmare to wake up to. I am sorry you had to discover this and hope you have people around you to share this with who believe and support you.
I can also relate to your discovery of near-death-experiences being weaponized. After years of being tortured like this I completely let go of the wish to be informed to save my heart. Also, I prepare for the worst (the passing of someone significant will not be communicated, I will not get a chance to say goodbye and probably will be made miss funerals as accidental looking punishment for estrangement) because it's been shown often enough how I am being treated, and I have already tried: stating, asking and begging.
If you read around here in this forum, you might find some weird comfort in finding out this is unfortunately quite common.
I am sorry some of your loved ones is ill. Maybe you have a chance to get some info (which hospital e.g.) without sharing your new number. If you feel like reaching out take a few breaths and think creativly. If you know the city s/he lives in you could also call hospitals and ask to leave a message for a patient.

Goodpesto, I'm so sorry you know the pain of weaponized illnesses. It's truly traumatizing. Thank you for your advice. Calling the hospital is great advice that I hadn't thought of. Thank you for your encouragement.

[mary_poppins]

Hi Mia Pia.

That's a violation of privacy and basic human boundaries. It's clear that your family doesn't see you as a worthy of respect person. They are certainly not safe and, remember, you went no contact once for a reason. Adult children take a long time until they decide NC is the only option because we (those on this forum) are compassionate and we want to give many chances to people or wait for them to change.

However, PDs use out compassion and good human traits against us.