dad might have npd

[RiverStation17]

hi, i'm currently living at home with my parents and sister. things are complicated, but the short version is: my dad is emotionally abusive. it took me a while to recognize it because i used to think he was just kind of strict or moody, but over time it's become more obvious how much control he tries to have over everything and how he constantly plays the victim when people push back.

he yells a lot, especially at my mom, and nitpicks everything she does — what she wears, eats, how much she exercises. she has asthma and food allergies, and he sometimes uses stuff he knows will trigger her just to "see what happens." if she wants to go out or hang out with friends, he gets upset, but he'll go do things without telling anyone and act like that's totally fine.

he also rewrites events in his head to make himself look like the one being hurt. one time my sister got upset and slammed our closet door, and he started shouting that she hit him, which definitely didn't happen. it's like he needs everyone to believe he's the one being attacked, even when he's the one starting things.

he didn't take my pronouns seriously at first either (i use they/them), and while he eventually came around after like a year of arguing, it wasn't easy. in general, he always needs to "win" arguments — there are some topics i've just stopped bringing up entirely because i know it's not worth the fight.

living in this house has made me really hyper-aware of everyone's emotions, and i've struggled a lot with how i relate to anger — both mine and other people's. i'm scared of becoming like him, so i tend to be really hard on myself and extra careful not to hurt anyone. i care deeply about the people around me, but i don't always know how to care for myself the same way.

i've thought about leaving, but i'm disabled and that makes it tricky. i also worry about what would happen to my mom if i wasn't here. i know she's strong, but i like being around to remind her she's beautiful and that she deserves better.

anyway, that's what's going on with me. thanks for reading.

[SeaBreeze]

Welcome to Out of the FOG! I'm sorry to read of your difficult situation, but happy you found your way here.

I've been the child in your situation. And I've been the mother. So my heart is with you from a few perspectives.

Are you able to safely discuss your feelings and concerns with your mother? She could be in denial or enabling your father, but maybe she is fully aware, perhaps "staying for the kids"? You might be surprised at where your mother stands on things.

Regardless of where your mother stands, more importantly where do YOU stand? The best way you can be supportive of her is to take care of YOU first. Other members here at Out of the FOG are disabled and can offer great advice on seeking resources available to you.

Whether you stay or leave your FOO (family of origin) you will find support and encouragement here. 🤗