Undermining achievements

[Cenerentola]

Updm is currently not talking to me because of a boundary I set (see previous posts) and in the ensuing space I've had some memories come up.  Not old memories from bad childhood stuff; recent ones from the past few years; things that didn't hit me at the time and now I'm just bowled over by.

The one that's getting me tonight was the time about a year ago when I had to do a semi-public event related to my work.  My parents heard about the event and came -- and I thought, ok.  I always have to filter myself around them, but that's life.  The event went off pretty well; other people liked what I did.  Updm's reaction?  As we're talking aside, she informs me that she didn't really want to come, it didn't sound interesting, but my dad convinced her to come and be on the cheering squad for me, and she was glad she did, because, hey, she kept thinking during the event how SHE taught me those first skills without which I could not be doing any of this.

She also tried to get me to dislike the one guy who had constructive criticism of my work (it was good criticism! it was his job to give it!) and told me to carry my baby (for whom we had a sitter) because the BABY is the thing I should really be proud of.  Don't get me wrong: I love my baby and in the moment holding baby was a fine choice.  But ... I'm still cringing inside at the way it was put.

Writing that I'm sort of bowled over by how textbook disordered her whole reaction was.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Another, "Do we have the same mother?" moment.

It's amazing our ability to just let the abuse wash over us in the moment without reacting to it. It's also amazing how all that trauma is just there, waiting until we have the space and safety to address it.

[Liketheducks]

We must all have the same mother....and she has this innate ability to make everything about her.   

One incident...pretty minor at the time...that springs to mind.   Again, over the holidays, because that just brings everything to a head for my mom.   We had family coming in.   All staying with us in my house.   Like 15 people total for a few days.   Mom was sulky and sullen and emotional...I didn't realize why she would be.   This was right up her alley holiday celebration planning.   With that level of people, I tend to want to host in a way that makes things easier.   Mom comes up with elaborate plans and then flakes on them at the last minute leaving me or someone else holding the bag.   It is her way of controlling the situation and making me do something I'd rather not. 
 
A friend worked at a local holiday attraction.   She'd always said, if I wanted to get the family over...just to give her a call and she'd get us in for free.   Think a mini Disney world park.   It would have been exorbitantly expensive to get the whole family in.   I thought it would be a nice treat, so I took my friend up on her offer and made the phone call.   My mother's response was only that once upon a time she "knew people" she could call to make things like this happen.   She was jealous.   My hosting the family out shown her effortful and martyr-like way of doing things.   She wouldn't even come with us. 

We had a great time in spite of the little dramas she threw our way that year.   

[GoodPesto]

Donating a story of the "same mother"

During "THE" visit (that lead to me going N/C again), unPDmoth and I were going for a walk in the woods with two dogs that live with me. One of the dogs is - after hours, if not days in total spent patiently working on it - very gentle on the leash. unPDmoth complained about pain in her shoulder due to the other dog (fairly new) pulling too much on the leash, so I asked her if she would like to swop.
UnPDmoth thinks to be pulled on the leash is standard when you have a dog and didn't believe me, when I told her this one does not pull. I even demonstrated with the other dog a basic movement that helps the dog understand where you would like them to walk that immediately made it change its walking position - for some moments. We went on, unPDmoth experiencing a dog, that does not pull while walking on the leash.
"Great work!" "Congratulations" "Wow, that's awesome" "So much more enjoyable to walk with" ... -> me dreaming of a supportive parent
"Well, that's probably because she is elderly" -> reality

[Cenerentola]

Another, "Do we have the same mother?" moment.

It's amazing our ability to just let the abuse wash over us in the moment without reacting to it. It's also amazing how all that trauma is just there, waiting until we have the space and safety to address it.

Yes, I've been repeatedly shocked by how much I just shrugged off.  It's just the habit that carried over from childhood, when one emphatically did not question parental decisions, or else.  Now that I'm living the "or else," having semi-deliberately chosen it, the questioning can happen.

I'm sorry you got to have this fun too!

[Cenerentola]

Mom comes up with elaborate plans and then flakes on them at the last minute leaving me or someone else holding the bag.   It is her way of controlling the situation and making me do something I'd rather not. 
 
...   My mother's response was only that once upon a time she "knew people" she could call to make things like this happen.   She was jealous.   My hosting the family out shown her effortful and martyr-like way of doing things.   She wouldn't even come with us. 

This sounds very familiar to me as well.  I'm so glad you were able to enjoy yourselves in spite of it!  Holiday drama stinks.

I've definitely fielded comments from my M over the years about how she is useless/worthless now.  She seems to think if she is not being flocked to for help and advice she has no value.  And that is really sad.  It's also ... not something I can fix. 

[Cenerentola]

"Great work!" "Congratulations" "Wow, that's awesome" "So much more enjoyable to walk with" ... -> me dreaming of a supportive parent
"Well, that's probably because she is elderly" -> reality

Hehe, yes.  I've had this happen with my kids.  Sooooo frustrating when one puts all the effort in, and then it's shrugged off as "huh, I guess they grew up ... weird ..."

It's also odd because it contrasts with their tendency to feel like they can or to want to control everything themselves.  ("They" being people with PD tendencies in general.)  Somehow they think they can persuade/urge/shape everyone around them (very few people I think admit to themselves that what they're attempting is manipulation) and control or at least affect their behavior; but the idea that someone else might be able to affect their pet's behavior is 

[Liketheducks]

"Great work!" "Congratulations" "Wow, that's awesome" "So much more enjoyable to walk with" ... -> me dreaming of a supportive parent
"Well, that's probably because she is elderly" -> reality

I so identify with this.   I've also found reparenting my inner child with those very words that I should be hearing from a more emotionally mature parent very helpful.   We're always hardest on ourselves.  And happy a PD parents voice in your head is downright cruel.   Way to go.   How'd you get your dog to do that?   I can tell you....my elderly dogs LOVE to pull on their leashes.

[Cenerentola]

Coming back here with a short update on the whole situation.

As part of the silent treat M left me off the email list for a regular event she runs (an event I have faithfully attended).  I had even called M (she neither picked up not returned my call) when the email didn't arrive on the usual day ... crickets.  I found out the event happened as usual (minus me) because I accidentally ran into an acquaintance who also attends.

Meanwhile, one of my kids had a minor injury (second time that's
happened in recent weeks).

A couple days later there was a family event.  I showed up; M showed up.  She acted like things were ok, gave me a hug, said she owed me a couple calls.

Me to myself: um, no kidding ...

Also me to myself: oh, she's feeling bad for me ... I should call her.

Also me too myself: do. not. trust. this.

Also me too myself: that's so judgemental! she's trying!

Aghhhhhh.

[Call Me Cordelia]

That internal back and forth sounds about normal. You're naturally trying to make sense of confusing, contradictory data. If you were left off an email list in which you are usually included, that's a deliberate choice. Then she shows up at the family event and acts like everything is fine.

[Liketheducks]

That back and forth is SO normal for me.  If she's going to act in a hurtful way....let her.   It speaks more about her than you.   And, as a result you take care of yourself like the survivor you are.