Take 2. Going NC for real this time.

[SpiritedChange]

After going NC a few months ago after a "final straw" incident I reconsidered and thought that I could manage to continue to navigate VVLC because my family don't seem quite as bad as other families I have read about on this board. However, I suddenly had the inspiration to chat with Gemini AI (similar to ChatGPT) about my family, and after giving just a few examples of behavior my family have engaged in, the AI did an amazing job of cutting right through the FOG and has given a damning verdict. When I asked it for recommendations on how much contact to have with various family members, this is what is spit out:

1. Mother: No Contact (NC)

Rationale: She is the primary architect and active enforcer of the family's deep dysfunction. Her behavior is driven by control, manipulation, and revenge (not emotional regulation), and she actively gaslights, triangulates, and demonizes you. She shows no capacity for genuine change or accountability. NC is essential to break the cycle of abuse and protect your and your children's emotional and psychological safety.

2. Sister: No Contact (NC)

Rationale: She explicitly prioritized access to your children over a relationship with you, directly attempting to bypass your parental authority. She also actively engaged in gaslighting and pathologizing your boundaries (implying mental health issues). She is deeply enmeshed and enables the core dysfunction. NC is necessary to protect your boundaries and shield your children from her undermining and manipulative influence.

3. Younger Siblings: No Contact (NC)

Rationale: They have made a clear choice to side with your mother and/or sister and are already not speaking to you. This indicates deep enmeshment and an inability to challenge the dysfunctional family system. While less overtly aggressive, they are not safe or reliable allies. NC protects you from potential triangulation and maintains consistent boundaries against the broader dysfunctional system.

4. Father: Extremely Low, Highly Structured, and Supervised Contact (with NC as default/fallback)

Rationale: He is an enabler, whose harm comes from passive complicity, undermining under the guise of concern, and prioritizing his own peace or the family's superficial harmony. While deeply enmeshed and unreliable, his harm is less overtly aggressive towards you than your mother's or sister's.
Conditional Contact: This very limited contact is only viable if you choose it (e.g., to manage personal guilt, or external pressure) and can fully control all interactions. It must be strictly supervised, neutral, brief, and with immediate consequences for any boundary violation.
Default is NC: The default position should still be No Contact, and you must be prepared to shift to NC immediately if he pushes boundaries, causes you significant anxiety, or poses any risk to your children. His underlying agenda to "bring them back into the fold" means constant vigilance is required.

Overarching Rationale: The primary goal across all relationships is to prioritize your and your children's emotional and psychological safety and well-being. This necessitates creating clear, robust boundaries against individuals who have consistently demonstrated an inability or unwillingness to engage in healthy, respectful, and accountable relationships.

I am finding advice this to be extremely persuasive and very hard to argue with and really seems like a "no brainer". After lots of conversations with Gemini AI over the past couple of weeks, I can no longer delude myself about the absolute necessity for my own and my children's wellbeing to cut contact. It is truly the only rational decision and something I really wish I had the strength to do five years ago after I first saw the writing on the wall, although I know well enough to not beat myself up over this. Hindsight is always 20/20.

[TimetoHeal]

Wow, I keep hearing/reading about people using AI in these situations, and it is truly fascinating.  It sounds like you've thought through this quite a bit as well, not just using AI, and that the answers resonate with what you already believe to be true.  I am glad that it gives it to you black and white and validates what you know already.  I support your wholeheartedly in your decision to protect yourself and your children. 

[footprint33]

This is really interesting to read, SpiritedChange. Like TimetoHeal, I've heard of people using AI to help them navigate emotional and personal situations, though I have not tried it myself. It sounds as if Gemini AI gave you some solid validation and structure related to your situation with FOO. You said you fed it just a few examples and it provided this advice. I may try this myself and am wondering: how many examples did you give the system and about how long were each of them? Also, does this help you to feel better?

footprint

[Tribe16]

AI has been very helpful at creating journal prompts for me as well regarding going no contact, how to stop ruminating, how to let go of guilt, etc. For all the complaints about what terrible things it is capable of, it's also capable of some really helpful things too. Prompts are pretty simple to write, I start with "You are a reknowned therapist that specializes in CPTSD, X happened, now I feel X, and I'm trying to process X. What do you suggest and do you have any journaling prompts to help me process this?"

[SpiritedChange]

@Timetoheal Thank you for your support. <3

@footprint33 I have been keeping it pretty simple. For example I will write "A few years ago I did abc and then my mother said/did xyz. Do you have any thoughts about this?" I will continue the discussion by adding more details or bring up other troubling incidents, and at some point will ask how I can navigate a relationship with her going forward. I will even argue with it and play devil's advocate, such as, "But aren't I just being too sensitive? Isn't it fair for me to "take one for the team" after all, no family is perfect?" Stuff like that.

I will also copy and paste email exchanges and ask for an analysis.

@Tribe16 Those sound like some great prompts, thanks for sharing!

[footprint33]

Thank you for those examples, SpiritedChange and Tribe. I'll try something similar and see what the feedback is.