Hi I'm new here

[Tanya]

Hi all,

I've just been reading through the information on the main website about living with personality disordered people, the how it feels, what to do, what not to do. The information really hit home and helped me understand that I desperately need help to process the feelings I have around failing to be able to help my adult daughter with her mental health and the fact that she's been an absolute nightmare to live with. I would also like some tips about what I've been doing wrong. She's blaming me for her abusive behaviour and claiming that I'm the one who's been abusive. I know this isn't true, but it's still very hard to come to terms with the fact that I tried everything I could think of to help her and all I ended up with was nothing getting better, just progressively worse, and now a daughter who says she hates me (and much worse).

She has not been diagnosed with a personality disorder. She has deliberately avoided any attempts to get mental health help for her difficulties. She's been quite manipulative, acting up on a daily basis for weeks until I gave in and said that I'm not going to force her into therapy. It was almost as if she'd flicked a switch when I said that. Her behaviour changed to sweet and okay for a while. Her behaviour became increasingly abusive and violent subsequently though, which was partly the initial reason I was trying to encourage her to get some therapy in the first place, and in the end I had no choice but to involve the police. She is currently living elsewhere.

The information on when to call the police on the website eased my guilt at resorting to calling the police in order to protect everyone concerned, including my daughter, who has threatened suicide on multiple occasions, but refused any sustained or in depth mental health support. The information on the website is very relatable. I initially called an ambulance who wouldn't come out without the police.

I feel absolutely devastated that I think I have lost my relationship with my daughter. I have searched and searched my soul to see if it's me who's at fault, but I have been trying so hard to modify my behaviour and speech so as not to trigger an angry, violent or abusive response in her for years, feeling like I was walking on eggshells around my daughter.

I have so many difficult feelings of guilt and shame and helplessness around this.

I love my daughter with every ounce of my being and it's very hard coming to the realisation that I can't force her to get the help she so obviously needs. That I did probably make it worse by doing things for her because I knew that they wouldn't get done otherwise. The stronger my boundaries became, the harder she pushed them.

At one point at her request, we read through different diagnostic criteria together to try to figure out what was wrong and the best way to get help for her moving forward, but she refused to get any professional help. She self diagnosed with something that didn't seem to quite fit her symptoms and behaviour from my experience of living with her. She wanted to get a specific diagnosis of this, disengaging from an assessment part way through because the assessor didn't agree with everything she said when describing her symptoms. She told me she had an argument with the assessor. She refused to attend any subsequent sessions and completely disengaged. She views the world through a very black and white lens and seems to have a persecution complex with regards healthcare professionals. People suddenly become the enemy for no logical reason and she goes from liking them one moment to completely hating them, and bearing years long grudges for very minor seeming things. I'm now one of those people she hates, and I'm missing my daughter so much now she's gone, but feeling guilty for being relieved that her abusive behaviour at home has stopped.
My worst fear is that she will commit suicide. She has used the threat of suicide to try to manipulate me into giving in to demands that I'm not comfortable with in the past and has self harmed a lot but has never had to be hospitalised because of a known suicide attempt. She is aware that I have lost two very close friends to suicide and it feels so upsetting that she would use this as a manipulation. At the same time I'm scared that she might actually do it and I've absolutely no way of getting her to participate in suicide prevention therapy. I tried for years.

I recognised her behaviour in the symptoms of borderline personality disorder that we looked at and it breaks my heart that she's refusing to even attempt to get some help because I know it's possible to recover from or at least learn how to cope better with living with bpd with the right help.


Thank you in advance for any advice or comments.

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the forum


I can't even imagine how hard it is to feel like you've lost your child to an undiagnosed personality disorder.  I know in our current society there is a lot of support for the parents who have lost children to addiction, but the experience for parents losing children to mental illness is similar if not entwined because of the common threads that untreated mental illness and addiction share.

as hard as it is, you may have to step back and take care of you.  nothing you did caused this, you can't control this, and you can;t cure it with your love and compassion for her.  the child you birthed, nurtured, loved and supported is now making her own decisions and I know it hurts when you see her doing things that make no sense and end up hurting her more in the long run.

in my story, it's my mom who struggles with uPD and for MY ENTIRE LIFE of 53 years I;ve been painted the villain in her story and at some point I accepted that for me to live in peace and not be affected at the drama and chaos- that she could maintain that story and I would just keep living outside of her universe quietly making my own way and healing myself from the 22 years she was a part of my life.  it's like we are grieving twice- the first time for the loss of what kind of relationship we had hoped for, and the second time, for the reality that it will never be that way for us with our loved ones to have a supportive mother-child relationship no matter what we do on our end to appease them.

it's heartbreaking to have to make this kind of decision about someone you care about so deeply- please be gentle with yourself and I hope you can find some validation from the other parents struggling to come to terms with their own relationships with their adult children. 

[Tanya]

Hi xredshoesx, thank you so much for your reply. I know exactly what it's like to live with a mother with uPD as I also had to disengage with mine (your story is so similar to mine). I tried so hard to be the polar opposite of my mother bringing up my kids. I'm still coming to terms with the fact that I'm never going to be able to have a healthy relationship with my mother, who I've been NC with for several years.
It feels like there must be something very wrong with me that my daughter is behaving in the same manner - blaming me for her mistakes and bad behaviour, unable to have compassion for anyone except for herself.
Your message is very reassuring. It's hard to accept that I'm completely powerless to help. I think over helping exhausted me and now I have some headspace away from the chaos that my daughter's behaviour filled our home with, finally I'm going to have time to work on me.
I really empathse with your situation with your mother.
I'm very confused about blame, but I really did try my best to make my daughter feel welcome and loved and the story she's been telling her new helpers after she discarded me is based on actual manipulation and lies. I know from experience she'll end up discarding them too, when they offend or annoy her for too long.

[SpiritedChange]

Hi Tanya, welcome to the forum. A few weeks ago I had to make the painful decision to cut contact with a much younger sister who has BPD traits. I was always more of a surrogate mother to her than sister, so I can relate at least on some level to what you are going through. Your needs matter and you deserve to be able to live your life free of abuse. Boundaries are not selfish and self-sacrifice will not cure BPD.

One of the most helpful books I have read as I was attempting to navigate my relationship with my sister is The Dance of Intimacy by Harriet Lerner, and I can highly recommend it. I think it may help you really internalize that you did not cause your daughter's illness. Take care.