Is this a threat?

[gcj07a]

For context, I have been NC with uBPm for 6 years. She sexually, emotionally, and physically abused me.

I got a text from my dad's dad the other day. Even though my parents are now divorced, my M still sees her in-laws. He told me that M wanted to see where we lived and so he drove her past my house about. He told me it was time for my mom and I to fix this.

She did not have my address before this. She lives about 1.5 hours away, but my dad's parents live about 10 min up the road from me.

I feel like this is a threat. And now I'm paranoid about her lurking in my neighborhood or trying to see my kids. I don't know what (if anything) to do.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Yes. I would interpret this as very threatening as well. Your grandfather had no right to disclose information you chose to keep from someone you do not trust, whether he agrees with your decision or not. And he certainly has no right to tell you what to do with your relationships.

What to do? I'm not sure. When my MiL threatened to show up on our doorstep last fall, we installed a ring cam and went out of town. She lives thousands of miles away, however. 1.5 hours is a lot more likely to bring on a lawn tantrum sooner or later. What were the terms of your NC? Have you gone the cease and desist route already? Really I think even the driveby of your property would qualify as a stalker thing to do. I don't think it would be overreacting to use this opportunity to send that cease and desist if you have not already.

[moglow]

Oh holy ... What was he thinking?! I see it not so much a threat as information - you now have time to decide how to handle it if she does show up.

Address your family's safety first, shut down possible access points. I'd start with blocking what can be seen/accessed from outside - maybe shades that let light in but outside can't see in? Shrubbery where no one can get close to windows? Maybe making habit to always lock easily accessible doors when you go inside? Ring doorbell and or security cameras? Discuss with the family that she is not to be allowed in, ever no matter how much commotion she may create.

And I'd have to respond to grampa - something like I love you and really wish you hadn't done that. You don't know the whole story with her. No one gets to demand that i "fix this" with a woman who's done so much harm and has no remorse for any of it. I can forgive her and still have no intention of "fixing" anything, exposing myself and my family to more of the same. This subject is closed... And don't discuss or entertain the subject with him again ever. Shut those attempts down, change the subject, leave the room, leave. Live that boundary.

And breathe. Refuse to live in fear any longer.

[TimetoHeal]

Yikes.  I agree with CMC that is stalker behavior.  Your grandfather essentially enabled your mother to stalk you. 

Your family's safety is first, so focus on that.  I would get cameras if you don't already have them.

And I would have the conversation with your grandfather along the lines of what Moglow wrote letting him know you are very unhappy about this.  That conversation should tell you a lot about where your grandfather actually stands. 

[gcj07a]

Thanks everyone! I guess I'm also startled because, except in the very early days, she has not attempted anything like this. Other than the annual card she sends me on my birthday attempting to guilt me into making contact, I haven't heard from her at all. My sister did tell me that she has "done a lot of work" and is "a completely different person."  But if this is any indication, not one thing has changed!

[Call Me Cordelia]

At least not enough to make her the kind of person you'd really be wanting back in your life! Stalker behavior is always going to be a dealbreaker, and if people can't see that, well that's interesting information and bless their hearts.