Family emergency straight after NC

mary_poppins · June 04, 2025, 05:23:19 PM

I didn't know how to title this post but it's like this: a few days after I went NC with both parents, my brother told me my dad had a stroke. This is strange because when I moved out, dad was okay (he wasn't healthy and his blood pressure was always high) per his standards so for his health to change for the worst so quick makes no sense.

Now, I always knew mom had a thing for messing with dad's health. I have seen how she saboatged dad's diet (he's also a diabetic) and purposely raised his blood pressure by getting into fights and constantly badgering him (we all know this stress leads to high blood pressure). I have also seen getting him the wrong meds or going to the wrong doctors just so he wouldn't receive the proper care he needs.
My dad is extremely dependent on mom, he's like a baby emotionally, he can't think for himself. So it makes sense that she uses this to her advantage.

Now, I know that no contact may have triggered her in a way that made her take out her rage on dad. Because i can't explain why he's suddenly in the hospital. Anyway, I am still no contact-but keep in touch with brother who sends info about dad's health evolution. I have to admit I am worried but there is not much I can do from where I am now. I just have to accept this situation as it is.

How did you guys manage the 'emergency' that suddenly popps out after NC? Isn't a bit strange that a big emergency happens at this specific time?

GoodPesto · June 05, 2025, 11:26:41 AM

Hi Mary Poppins,

I've been looking for a more recent thread where the "coincedences" of medical emergencies shortly after going n/c are being discussed, but I couldn't find it unfortunately. But it is apparently not that uncommon and you might be right that there is no coincedence. I guess you are seeing it quite clearly already and I hope you can manage the feelings around this ok. I am sorry this is happening. You could take it as proof you did the right thing by escaping should you ever ever doubt your decision. Best wishes.

TimetoHeal · June 05, 2025, 01:03:57 PM

Yes, this seems to be an extremely common theme! I am so sorry you are experiencing this. There's really no way to tell if it's a true emergency, a manufactured one, or even an outright lie. Especially when you are in another country now. I think you are doing right in keeping your NC and just letting your brother update you. Do you feel he is trustworthy?

moglow · June 05, 2025, 01:24:41 PM

And brother told you instead of mother? Could she be trying to pit you and brother against each other in some way or trying to force you into contacting her for more information? Timing does seem rather convenient.

mary_poppins · June 06, 2025, 09:42:22 AM

Quote from: TimetoHeal on June 05, 2025, 01:03:57 PMYes, this seems to be an extremely common theme! I am so sorry you are experiencing this. There's really no way to tell if it's a true emergency, a manufactured one, or even an outright lie. Especially when you are in another country now. I think you are doing right in keeping your NC and just letting your brother update you. Do you feel he is trustworthy?

No, I don't feel my brother is trustworthy but he did give me A LOT of medical details about my father that he wouldn't know about. I think if he is lying, it would be atrocious of him and I'd not want to have anything to do with him anymore. My father's ill health makes me very stressed atm so I wouldn't be able to forgive this if it was a lie.

mary_poppins · June 06, 2025, 09:45:33 AM

Quote from: moglow on June 05, 2025, 01:24:41 PMAnd brother told you instead of mother? Could she be trying to pit you and brother against each other in some way or trying to force you into contacting her for more information? Timing does seem rather convenient.

Yes, my brother informed me of my dad's stroke.
It is very weird because the last message I sent to my bro was this:

'My phone broke down. Please only contact me for emergencies until I purchase
a new phone. Keep communication only in text.' (this is a lie I told them-my phone is fine to get
my parents' off my back because they were incredibly stressful with calls).

So only a few days after this text, I receive the news of my dad's health.

mary_poppins · June 06, 2025, 09:51:26 AM

Quote from: TimetoHeal on June 05, 2025, 01:03:57 PMYes, this seems to be an extremely common theme! I am so sorry you are experiencing this. There's really no way to tell if it's a true emergency, a manufactured one, or even an outright lie. Especially when you are in another country now. I think you are doing right in keeping your NC and just letting your brother update you. Do you feel he is trustworthy?

Other people had their mother threaten with suicide after NC or actually doing self-harm to get attention. Mom is capable of the most horrid things to get attention but she's directing the violence towards others and not herself.

So it might be that she did something to my dad to cause him the stroke (he has heart pills and many other meds that, if not taken could cause him serious health problems) and get me to call her. My brother keeps telling me 'call mom, call mom she has been trying to reach you'. Etc.

TimetoHeal · June 06, 2025, 10:16:42 AM

Quote from: mary_poppins on June 06, 2025, 09:51:26 AMOther people had their mother threaten with suicide after NC or actually doing self-harm to get attention. Mom is capable of the most horrid things to get attention but she's directing the violence towards others and not herself.

So it might be that she did something to my dad to cause him the stroke (he has heart pills and many other meds that, if not taken could cause him serious health problems) and get me to call her. My brother keeps telling me 'call mom, call mom she has been trying to reach you'. Etc.

Deep breaths, marypoppins. It sounds like this is her attempt to get back in touch with you after you made a major move to another country and put down boundaries about contact. Some good advice I've been given here is slow down, breathe, try not react out of fear or anxiety in a quick manner. What can you possibly do to help your dad from where you are right now? How will talking to your mom help anything? Is your dad able to call you? If so, why can't he call you directly? If not, there is still nothing you can do.

I'm so sorry your mother is the kind of person that would potentially hurt your father to lash out and hurt you. I know your said your brother is not trustworthy, but do you think he has at least checked on him? If not, would a welfare check be called for? These are just some thoughts. Think and breathe before you react.

TimetoHeal · June 06, 2025, 10:18:24 AM

Also, I meant to add as far as lying, it might not be your brother lying, but your mother. Or exaggerating. Either way, a horrible thing to do. There's just no way to tell either, which is why she thinks it will make you call her to find out. Hugs.

moglow · June 07, 2025, 09:32:03 AM

Why does mother "need" to talk to you? She doesn't. Dad's presumably getting the medical care he needs - you talking to her or not would have no bearing on that. You can't drop a brand new job and run back. Compassionate leave or no, there's nothing for you to do there. AsK brother to please keep you advised on dad's condition, don't have conversations about mom or her insistence that you call or her mental state. Heck, see if you can have phone number/contact with his medical caregivers and get it from the source!

I don't want to sound like heard hearted Hannah but seriously. This sounds like setting you up to be her/their therapist, trying to drag you backwards into a whole heap of drama.

frogjumpsout · June 07, 2025, 08:35:15 PM

This stood out for me, as I think it did for others:

>My brother keeps telling me 'call mom, call mom she has been trying to reach you'. Etc.

I, too, think there's manipulation happening here and that you're well-off keeping your current boundaries!

GoodPesto · June 09, 2025, 10:04:29 AM

This crossed my mind, so I came back to say: No matter what happened and who did what to whom and who got how sick ... It is not your fault. It is not your fault. It is NOT YOUR FAULT.

footprint33 · June 10, 2025, 12:07:13 PM

Hi Mary Poppins, the advice and thoughts you've received here are great. I'm just adding anecdotal experience to say that there have been a number of FOO "emergencies" since I first when VLC and then NC (dating back to 2009 after the birth of my first child). In all cases, the emergencies suddenly disappeared, only to be replaced by a new one a few months later. My husband believes that FOO has been grossly exaggerating anything health related, or even full out lying about things.

After 5 years of full NC with all of FOO, I broke it in 2021 after hearing of a new "emergency" situation, which was that my father was very ill and going to die soon. Those 5 years of NC had strengthened me and I was at a great place in my life. I felt strong enough just to reach out to my father via email and send him a very short message to wish him well on his journey. That simple message had horrible results in my life, especially because it led to me letting one of my brothers back into my life (the brother wrote to me immediately after hearing I'd written to my father to tell me how wonderful it was that I'd made contact). Even though I kept communication limited with the brother, in late 2023 I realized through someone in our shared network that he was effectively smearing me in any way he could, all while smiling to my face and acting as if we were reconnecting. The things he was saying about me behind my back were lies and very cruel, trying to paint me as a horrible daughter, sister, and person. Again, to my face, he was nothing but nice and I was very kind to him.

If you're dealing with malignant narcissists, once you have any contact with them, they can twist things any way they want. In my case, I'd always had some affection for that brother and thought that maybe there was a chance he had seen the light with the rest of FOO. It turns out that he was just like all of them. Turning over that last stone with him was important for me because it allowed me to move fully on and away from FOO. I no longer have any doubts about staying NC. Still, I dealt with intense triggers in 2023-2024 due to the situation of having re-engaged with them and am only feeling more stable now.

Breaking NC due to the "emergency" (my father is still alive even though he was allegedly on his deathbed 4 years ago) and seeing how I was treated, abused all over again, helped me to feel very firm that I will stay NC with all of them from here on out. When members of FOO do die or are truly ill, I will not be reaching out.

footprint