New to This World

[californiapoppy]

Hi everyone,

I'm very new to this world, and I'm still in the early stages of coming to terms with my mother's untreated borderline personality disorder. As a mental health professional who works with personality disorders, experiencing this from the other side has been incredibly difficult. I've only really come to terms with the fact that I had a fucked-up childhood just a few months ago. Therapy has unraveled a lot of things that my mind had kept locked up for years, and it's been overwhelming, to say the least.

Right now, the biggest thing I'm dealing with is guilt. My mom has conditioned me to feel guilty about everything, and that has kept me loyal to her, despite the fact that I often feel like my skin is crawling when she's around. She now lives with my husband, daughter, and me. I am actually my daughter's biological aunt—she is the daughter of my deceased sister. I feel like I cannot escape my mom, yet I feel such intense guilt knowing that she is alone and that we don't want her around (despite her being in the same house).

We thought we'd let my mom move in when my dad died because she was alone in South Africa (we are in the US), but I'm now only uncovering all the things she put us through and can't help but blame her for my family's demise. My mom did some things well (we always had the best things in life), but her money came at a cost. I could never be grateful enough, and she reminds me on a daily basis how she spent all her money on my sister and me, which meant she and my dad couldn't have a good retirement.

She also threatens suicide every few days (says I am not allowed to tell anyone) but then pretends like nothing happened. It's almost as if she wants to see me cry and feel sad about her. It's really fucked up since my sister died by suicide, and I struggle with her death—so why would a mom want to see their child continue to experience that pain?

I've been incredibly angry—not just at my mom for the things she's done to me, but also for what she did to my sister (who ultimately took her own life) and to my dad (who also ended up taking his own life). My mom has always told us he died from cancer, but that's a whole fucked-up story in itself, especially since I was my dad's caretaker during the last month of his life. I suspect (together with my husband, daughter, uncle, and aunt) that he took an overdose of pills, which affected his liver, leading to a slow, painful death. My dad had had enough of all the abuse.

I'm still processing everything, and while it's hard to even say some of this out loud, I'm hoping to find some support and understanding here. I know I'm not alone in this, but it still feels incredibly isolating. I'm incredibly lucky to have my husband and daughter. I'm here to connect with others who have gone through similar experiences and to learn how to heal from the damage that comes from growing up in a home with a loved one with a personality disorder.

Thanks for reading.

[SpiritedChange]

Welcome to the forum! I'm glad you found it although it is truly a club that nobody deserves to belong to and I sorry for your losses. You definitely are in a very challenging situation but there are strategies that you can avail yourself of that can help to lessen the impact of your mother's behavior, and I highly recommend finding yourself a therapist who has experience with narcissistic mothers.   

She also threatens suicide every few days (says I am not allowed to tell anyone) but then pretends like nothing happened. It's almost as if she wants to see me cry and feel sad about her. It's really fucked up since my sister died by suicide, and I struggle with her death—so why would a mom want to see their child continue to experience that pain?

One of the most helpful concepts I learned about early on in my journey is called projective identification, aka "emotional hot potato". I think this phenomenon might help explain what is going on when she makes her threats, and also explains why she has no empathy for the impact her threats have on you. Projective identification relieves her of her painful feelings because you absorb them, but for the sake of your own mental health it is very important that you stop doing so as soon as possible. I have read of one account where a son was able to effectively call his father's bluff after he told him that he hopes he won't take his life, but that he understands why he feels he needs to do so, and that he will surely miss him if he does. Calming calling 911 or a suicide hotline is also another option that can often put an end to the threats--even if doing so feels like you are betraying her.

One author that I have found immensely helpful is Nina Brown's, specifically her books Coping with Infuriating, Mean, Critical People, and Children of the Self-Absorbed. Take good care. Additionally the book Emotional Blackmail has also proved to be quite helpful in dealing the emotional blackmailers in my life. Take good care. 

[californiapoppy]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response and suggestions. I appreciate your insight, especially around projective identification and emotional blackmail. The concept of the "hot potato" makes total sense to me and resonates with what I've been experiencing.

My therapist actually asked me why I don't just say "okay" when she makes the threats. It's something I hadn't really considered before, but it's been a helpful perspective in learning how to manage my reactions.

I have found a wonderful therapist who specializes in working with individuals who have narcissistic mothers, and I'm feeling really supported. I'm starting to make progress in managing the impact of my mother's behavior, but I am still struggling with the guilt. I will definitely check out the books you recommended as well!

Take care, and thank you again for sharing your knowledge with me.